Want to know the best way to calm down an angry woman? Have sex with her. That's right. Get her into bed ASAP.

I'm not talking about garden variety anger or frustration. I mean fire breathing, beyond reason angry. There's no discussing, no placating- you just have to do something.

Of course, the woman in question should be your wife or girlfriend and ideally enjoys sex when she's in a "good mood."

If your little turtledove just isn't into sex or can only enjoy sex if 96 conditions are "just right," here are some effective alternatives:

1) Yes, dear. Whatever you say, dear. Capitulation (i.e., castration) to keep the peace.

Pros: It gets her off your back and stops the verbal tirade. Cons: You voluntarily surrender your nut sac. Not to worry, you can visit "the boys" where she keeps them in a mason jar above the fireplace.

2) Money. Or jewelry. Or real estate. Never underestimate the power shiny objects hold for some women. For example, Kobe Bryant committed extramarital anal rape. His wife got a $4 million dollar, 8-karat, purple diamond ring. Nice.

My preciousssss....

Pro: It's a proven technique that stops the cold/hot war. Cons: It's only valid until your next transgression, real or imagined. Unless you have very deep pockets, you'll be up a certain creek without a paddle in no time.

3) Drugs. Sedate her. Collude with her doctor. Secure a diagnosis of "atypical mood disorder with rage attacks" followed with prescriptions for Zyprexa, Abilify and Prozac.

Pros: The Zyprea creates a zombie-like, flat affect while the Prozac and Abilify prevent the dreaded weight gain. Think Stepford Wives. I refer to this as the Borderline Cocktail. Cons: Technically, this might be illegal and there are health risks and side effects.

4) Sex. When I'm in a rage, it's the only thing (short of a tranq dart) that works. Argue me into the bedroom or onto the nearest horizontal surface, stat. Afterward, I've either forgotten why I was angry or am in a super satiated state in which I'm capable of rational discourse again. Love that oxytocin.

Pros: No side effects (if it's safe sex). Zero risk of debt. Both parties win. Cons: This isn't applicable to colleagues and other motorists when I'm behind the wheel, which leads me to . . .

5) Be direct and honest. This is the toughest technique of them all. It requires you to focus on the issues and takes work, practice and effective use of "I" statements. An ineffective I statement: "I feel bad because you're a jerk." Wrong. "I feel bad when you turn the TV volume up when I'm talking. It makes me feel irrelevant." Better.

Just remember, we're all human- granted, some of us are more annoying than others, myself included. We all make mistakes. We all have feelings. No one likes to feel blamed, bad or "wrong." We all experience pain and hurt, even if it's not obvious to the casual or intimate observer.

Of course, the aforementioned is really hard to remember when all you can do is focus on is what an a$$hole the other person is being. That's when you either give yourself a timeout or hit the sheets.