First Date Tips: Finding Someone
Finding Someone
Does anyone truly like to date? I mean, really get excited about sifting through potential candidates, sussing out neuroses, reading between the lines? I'm not talking about the thrill and anticipation you might feel the day you're going out with someone new. I'm talking about the nitty-gritty research involved in finding someone who intrigues you. I suppose there are some people who enjoy the hunt. And others who are so confident (or delusional) that they don't feel as if they're opening themselves up to humiliation, pain, and suffering -- along with sexual tension and the possibility of intense joy. But, by and large, I think, dating rates pretty far down the fun scale.
I should know. I'm one of the dating masses. And while I'm not so cynical as to say it sucks entirely, I would suggest that daters need all the help they can get. That's why I have my own "panel of experts," my team of go-to people. They tell me when not to call him, when not to believe him, when to cut him a break. They soothe me when I'm freaking out. And I can't tell you how many times they've pushed me back into the fray.Enter Dave Singleton, an author whose latest book is Behind Every Great Woman There's a Fabulous Gay Man: Advice from a Guy Who Gives It to You Straight. He also wrote The Mandates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay dating. Needless to say, Dave knows a thing or two about men -- and he's willing to share.
I'm an online dater, as I told Dave when we met for Coffee. Some months I'll have the time and energy to spend on dating sites, then I won't even sign on again for weeks. After a romantic drought, though, I'll usually get depressed and feel like I've gotta do something, and online dating is the most direct route to getting back in the game.
Dave's answer to the burnout factor in online dating is the "step-up." "You want to quickly meet to gauge chemistry," he says.
"After getting stuck for hours with a few losers, a girl learns to agree only to a coffeescreener, or some other 'step-up' date, before actually committing to an entire evening." He's right, in theory, but I'm so done with the Coffee date. I don't think I've ever felt sexy in a Starbucks. I use the phone to screen out losers.
The Date
But when, by phone or by latte, you've decided the guy is worthy, what makes a great first date? I ran a few of my own past Dave, and he picked three winning strategies:- Taking a new guy to a baseball game. This scored high on the Dave-o-meter. "sports venues are an excellent way to experience straight men in their natural habitats," he says. "With their guards down, they're likely having fun and feeling good. Plus, chances are you'll get credit for being a good sport."
- Meeting in Central Park on a warm evening for a bike ride. Dave totally approved of this idea: "Plan to do something that reveals your spirit," he advises, "whether it's an athletic activity or an outdoor concert." So far, so good. The problem was that I'm a highly competitive rider, and the guy couldn't keep up.
- Going to a roller disco one night. The guy and I had already established an easygoing rapport by phone, so both of us were more willing than usual to make complete fools of ourselves on roller skates. It was a great first date, and got two thumbs-up from Dave: "Lively, spontaneous, unpredictable."
- Movies: There's no opportunity to talk.
- Black-tie events: The formality makes people stiff.
- Places you'll run into a lot of friends: It's too much, too soon.
When we discussed my present sitch (roller-disco guy and I have been going out), Dave was appalled at my reluctance to heed chapter 7 of Behind Every Great Woman, "Keeping Your Romantic Pipeline Full of Men" -- which he also calls "having a herd." "But it takes so much energy," I whined. Dave nodded sagely. "And I'm happy with my current let's-not-talk-about- the-future-and-have-as-much-fun-as-possible scenario," I argued.
"Mmmm-hmmm," he said. I knew by his tone I was in trouble. "It's a noble thing to be a one-man woman," Dave went on, "but when you're dating, there are benefits to a herd. In your case, you don't want to sleep with more than one guy at a time, and you don't have to. But having a herd would offer your current 'situation' (dare I use the dreaded R word?) context and comparison."
Context and comparison? Well, it's kind of hard for a reasonable woman to argue with that -- even when she's really got a one-man heart.
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