De-Stress -- And Make Love Again: Dont Give Up!
Don't Give Up!
Sex isn't everything. But when it's not going right -- or barely going at all, as is the case for one in three American couples -- there's trouble. You lose the wonderful, playful connection that inspires romance and intimacy, compassion and forgiveness, and that chases away sadness, loneliness, and conflict.
But sex is tricky for Cooperation stage couples. Pushed and pulled by the demands of children, jobs, maintaining a house or apartment, and meeting community and religious obligations, this treasure often falls to the very bottom of the priority list. In a national survey of 2,514 Americans, 88 percent said kids changed when and where they made love, 34 percent confessed that parenthood left them too tired for sex, and 30 percent confessed that sex was less romantic with kids in the next room. Meanwhile, intriguing new research suggests that women and men experience a natural drop in libido after the birth of a child; as levels of sexy hormones, including testosterone, diminish, levels of the cuddly hormone oxytocin rise. Before you know it, you've traded black lace underwear (or tasteful boxers) and satin sheets for a fleece sweat suit and flannel bed linens.Sex is getting squeezed out like never before. More and more couples are in two-job families -- and sometimes hold down more than one job apiece to stay afloat. Another trend pushing intimacy out the door: older parenthood and the fatigue that comes with raising a child in your late 30s, 40s, or 50s.
There's no time or energy for the spontaneous turn-ons that once led to hours of long, slow lovemaking. (As Time magazine quipped in a 2003 article about the trend toward no-sex marriage, "Sleep is the new sex!") If you've got kids, there's not enough privacy for a quickie on the couch. Couples find themselves in a sexual stalemate that's tough to break.
Don't give up. You can revive a thriving passion. In fact, you're in the best situation possible for cultivating a regular, satisfying sex life. When researchers dissected data from a national sex survey conducted in the mid-1990s, they found that Cooperation stage couples on average have more sex than singles. Amazingly, working parents with preschool children had more sex than single folks who worked fewer hours per week. And married women and men who worked a colossal 60 hours or more per week had 10 percent more sex than unmarried overworked folks. The reason? He or she is sitting across the dinner table from you: When you're married, you've got a steady, live-in intimacy partner.
Here's How to Rekindle the Flame
Define a great sex life on your own terms. The happiest couples have sex on a regular basis, but nobody can define regular for you. And it's a moving target. Half of all 20-somethings in a University of Chicago survey said they made love at least twice a week -- and an active 11 percent had sex at least four times. But among couples in their early 40s, just 30 percent made love even two times between Monday and Sunday. Nearly half had sex just a few times a month, but couples in this age group were the happiest -- emotionally and physically -- with sexual intimacy. What it means for you: There are no rules. The two of you should consider and discuss the frequency and type of sex that makes you happiest -- whether it's three times a month or three times a week.Chances are, each of you is comfortable with a different level of physical intimacy: One yearns for more; the other is happy with less. Talk about your needs and how you feel when you're at that just-right level of physical closeness. Try to reach a compromise and to find ways to build in extra intimacy so you're both happy. That could mean more cuddle time in addition to sex or simply seizing more of the thousands of daily opportunities to share a hug and a kiss.
Look sexier, feel sexier. It's easy to put off healthy eating, exercise, even haircuts. It's tempting to pull on those baggy old jeans after a long week and to fall into bed in a ragged T-shirt. We suggest making the effort to look attractive. Pull out your best jeans and most attractive tops. Dress up a little -- for day and evening. Splurge on a sexy nightgown or lingerie. The payoff is as much for you as it is for your spouse: You'll feel sexier and more attractive when you look spiffy.
Take your libido for a walk. Forget weird health-food-store aphrodisiacs. Exercise is a safe, proven energy- and libido-booster. A stroll, a swim, or a trip to the gym can get you in the mood and help you enjoy sex more. In one University of Vermont study that followed midlife women for five years, those who exercised regularly reported more sexual satisfaction and stronger libidos than light exercisers or couch potatoes. And in a Harvard University study, midlife men who ran for at least three hours per week had a 30 percent lower risk of impotence than nonexercisers. Other research suggests vigorous exercise, combined with a healthy diet and other healthy habits such as not smoking, can take 10 years off a man's sexual age. The link? healthier blood vessels. The bonus: Physical activity helps you feel good about your body, and more likely to want to be close.
Close your bedroom door. Keep your bedroom private so that the two of you will associate it with intimacy and romance -- not with late-night TV, catching up on work, or dogs and kids jumping on the bed. This "off-limits" designation also gently trains your household to respect this personal parental space -- but we still recommend locking the door for your own peace of mind before lovemaking begins.
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