The tension was palpable in the room as I began the first marital counseling session ever for the couple who had passed their 50th anniversary several years before. After a few pleasantries designed to put them more at ease, I invited, "Tell me about what brought you here."
Immediately, she straightened up in her chair and asserted boldly, "I'll start!"
"Go ahead," I said.
She continued, "Let me tell you what this man did to me on our honeymoon!"
I glanced at her partner, and immediately I could see that this was definitely not the first time he had heard this story. I groaned to myself, "I should have scheduled more than one hour for this session!"
Clinging to the past?especially the negative past?can wreak havoc in workplace harmony, organizational progress, and personal peace.
LETTING GO OF HOLDING ON
Do you find it difficult to let go of holding on?
What experiences in your past do you hold on to, either deliberately or unintentionally? The woman in the counseling session had chosen to hold on to her husband's perceived transgressions, enumerating them for him at every opportunity. Sometimes, however, your past difficult experiences seem to interfere against your will with your life today.
A recent issue of Workforce Magazine listed "The Simmering Malaise" as one of the 25 strongest trends. They attributed this negative emotional undercurrent to the past few years of workplace trauma?downsizing, diminished financial benefits, loss of opportunity.
Things happen in our personal lives, too.
I heard about one guy who admitted, "I've had trouble with both of my wives."
"What kind of trouble?"
"First one ran off on me."
"And the second?"
"Didn't."
Have you experienced traumatic events in your past or work life? If you have, and especially if you haven't been able to come to terms with them emotionally, you may find yourself overreacting any time something remotely reminds you of them. You may become anxious, leading you to misinterpret, suspect, and emotionally exaggerate.
HOW TO LET GO OF THE PAST AND REACH FOR THE FUTURE
Minimize the toll that unresolved history can have on your present life. Don't let past events rob you of life quality today.
1. Do the necessary emotional work, if you haven't already.
Unresolved grief, often masked by anger, can continue to distort your perceptions and keep you from free, positive actions in situations you confront today. When the damaging event(s) happened, how did you deal with them? Did you refuse to acknowledge the reality of your powerlessness to change what happened, mentally or behaviorally resolving to even the score? Did you stay busy, busy, busy so that you wouldn't think about it? Did you become angry and stay there?
If you answered "yes," to any of those questions, you may have some grief work to do. Spend time focusing on the emotional losses you experienced and let it hurt. I know, that's not fun. Remember, though, grief is temporary. And it persistently insists on your attention until you do it.
Courageously do the necessary grief work; it can free you from the grip your past.
2. Check your reactions for "overgeneralization."
When you have experienced a painful situation, it's easy to transfer your reaction to other situations that are in any way similar to it.
When my children were little, they were less than thrilled with their visits to the pediatrician, especially on the days they got shots. The doctor wore a white jacket. One day I was getting a prescription filled at the drugstore and my daughter began to cry loudly. I couldn't figure out why. Finally, she pointed to the druggist who was wearing a white coat and asked, "Am I going to have to get a shot?"
Have you ever had the experience of having an unusual negative reaction to someone you just met, without apparent bad behavior on their part? Do you sometimes jump to conclusions about others' motives, based on experiences you've had with people in your past? If so, you may h
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