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第九章  学习避免争论

Chapter 9  How to Avoid Arguments

 

爱情关系中最困难的挑战，是如何掌握彼此的不同与意见不合。常常，当夫妻对他们讨论的事意见不合时就演变成争论，而不知不觉间变成战斗，这时候他们突然停止以爱的方式说话，开始彼此伤害：责骂、抱怨、控诉、要求、愤恨、猜疑。

One of the most difficult challenges in our loving relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often when couples disagree their discussions can turn into arguments and then without much warning into battles. Suddenly they stop talking in a loving manner and automatically begin hurting each other: blaming, complaining, accusing, demanding, resenting, and doubting.

 

男女这样争论，不仅伤害彼此的感觉，也伤害这份关系。正如同沟通是关系中最重要的因素，争论也可以是关系中最具破坏性的因素，因为我们与某人愈亲近，就愈容易伤害他或被伤害。

Men and women arguing in this way hurt not only their feelings but also their relationship. just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element, because the closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised.

 

如同沟通是关系中最重要的因素，争论也可以是关系中最具破坏性的因素。

 

基于各种实际的目的，我坚决反对夫妻发生争执。如果两个人没有性关系，在争执或辩论时，很容易客观地分开立场；但当两个有感情关系尤其是有性关系的人，争执起来就容易公私不分。

For all practical purposes I strongly recommend that couples not argue. When two people are not sexually involved it is a lot easier to remain detached and objective while arguing or debating. But when couples argue who are emotionally involved and especially sexually involved, they easily take things too personally.

 

因此我建议处理这种情况的基本方针是：绝不争论。讨论事情的优缺点，协商彼此的需要，但不要争执。以诚实、坦白表达负向感觉，而不争执或抗争，是有可能做到的。

As a basic guideline: never argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don't argue. It is possible to be honest, open, and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.

 

有些夫妻无时不在吵架，他们心中的爱逐渐枯萎。有些夫妻为了避免冲突和争论，极力压抑自己真正的感觉，结果失去与爱接触的机会。前一个例子是热战，后一个例子是冷战。夫妻最好能够在这两个极端间找出平衡点。若能记着男女是从不同的星球来，而用心发展出良好的沟通技巧，就能够避免争执，也不必压抑负面的感觉和冲突的意见与欲望。

Some couples fight all the time, and gradually their love dies. On the other extreme, some couples suppress their honest feelings in order to avoid conflict and not argue. As a result of suppressing their true feelings they lose touch with their loving feelings as well. One couple is having a war while the other is having a cold war. It is best for a couple to find a balance between these two extremes. By remembering we are from different planets and thus developing good communication skills, it is possible to avoid arguments without suppressing negative feelings and conflicting ideas and desires.

 

 

争论的下场

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARGUE

 

如果不了解男女的不同，便很容易引起争端，这不但伤害配偶也伤害自己。避免争端的秘密是以爱和尊重彼此沟通。

Without understanding how men and women are different it is very easy to get into arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves. The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication.

 

男女的不同及意见不合并不会伤人，理论上：争论不一定是有害的，它可以是传达彼此不同意见的对话(无可避免地，夫妻有时一定会意见不合)。但实际上，大多数夫妻在争论一件事后，不到五分钟，又会以同样的方式为另一件事争论。

The differences and disagreements don't hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements. (Inevitably all couples will have differences and disagree at times.) But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

 

他们在不知不觉间伤害彼此，一个原本无伤害力，可以轻易化解的争论渐渐升高为战斗，那个时候他们往往拒绝接受或了解配偶的意见。

Unknowingly they begin hurting each other; what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner's point of view because of the way they are being approached.

 

解决争执必须扩展或延伸我们的意见去包容、整合另一个意见。而我们在受到感激和尊重时才能做这样的延伸，如果配偶的态度没有爱，我们的自尊会因采取他的意见而受伤害。

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point‑of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner's attitude is unloving, our self‑esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.

 

多数夫妻在争论一件事后，不到五分钟，又会以同样的方式为另一件事争论。

　　

我们与人愈亲密，就愈难客观地听取他们的意见。为了保护出自己免于不受尊重与肯定，我们会采自动防御抗拒他们的意见，就算同意他们的看法，我们也可能会固执地和他们争论。

The more intimate we are with someone, the more difficult it is objectively to hear their point of view without reacting to their negative feelings. To protect ourselves from feeling worthy of their disrespect or disapproval automatic defenses come up to resist their point of view. Even if we agree with their point of view, we may stubbornly persist in arguing with them.

 

 

为何争论会伤人

WHY ARGUMENTS HURT

 

伤害不是因为我们说了什么所造成，而是因我们是怎么说的。男人受到挑战时，他的注意力会都集中在对与错上，而忘了表现爱，此时他体贴、尊重的沟通能力和安慰的口气自然会减退，他不知道自己的声音是多么不体贴又多么伤害配偶。此时，一个单纯的意见不合可能听起来都像在攻击女人；要求也变成了命令。女人在此情况下自然会反抗这种没有爱心的方法。

It is not what we say that hurts but bow we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner. At such times, a simple disagreement may sound like an attack to a woman; a request turns into an order. Naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying.

 

男人因不体贴的说话方式伤了女人，却又告诉女人为何她不该难过。他误以为她是反对他的意见，而不知道是自己缺乏爱心的说话方式使她难过，他因不了解她的反应，而更加解释他所说的正确性，却不知要调整的是他的说话方式。

A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is resisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it.

 

他不知道是他在揭开争论的序幕，他以为她在和他争执。女人保护自己免于受男人尖锐的表现方式伤害时，男人也同时在保护自己的意见。

He has no idea that be is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expressions, which are hurtful to her.

 

男人如果没有尊敬女人受伤害的感觉，就等于是更加深她的伤害，但他却难以了解，因为他对自己不关心的言语声调并不敏感，因此，男人可能不知道他对配偶的伤害有多深，也不知道是自己激起她的反抗。同样的，女人也不知道她们对男人造成了多大的伤害。女人一旦感受到挑战，她讲话的声调马上就变成不信任和拒绝。拒绝使男人受伤，尤其是当他陷在感情中时。

When a man neglects to honor a woman's hurt feelings he inval‑ idates them and increases her hurt. It is hard for him to understand her hurt because he is not as vulnerable to uncaring comments and tones. Consequently, a man may not even realize how much he is hurting his partner and thus provoking her resistance. Similarly, women don't realize how they are hurtful to men. Unlike a man, when a woman feels challenged the tone of her speech automatically becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This kind of rejection is more hurtful to a man, especially when he is emotionally involved.

 

女人因说出对配偶行为的不满和给与非请求的忠告，而挑起并扩大争论。如果女人不以信任与接受的讯息调和她的消极感受，男人必定也会消极回应，留给女人一大堆迷惑。她同样也不知道她对他的不信任带给了他多大的伤害。

Women start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about their partner's behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a women neglects to buffer her negative feelings with messages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman confused. Again she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him.

 

为了避免争论，必须牢记：配偶抗拒的不是我们说了什么，而是我们如何说。争论一定要两个人才能引发，但停止争论只需一个人即可做到。停止争论最好的方法是及时防止问题的发生。

To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud.

 

当意见不合变成争论时，你可以负起分辨的责任，停止谈话，暂时休息一下，反省你是如何对待配偶，试着了解你是否没给与对方所需要的，然后过些时候再日来谈，但要存着爱心和尊重的态度。暂时休息可使我们的情绪冷静下来、治疗创伤，在沟通之前先整理自己。

Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time‑out. Reflect on how you are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need. Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way. Time‑outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to communicate again.

 

 

配偶抗拒的不是我们说了什么，而是我们如何说。

THE FOUR FI FOR AVOIDING HURT

 

四种避免受伤害的态度运用四种态度使自己在争论中免于受伤害，分别是：吵架、逃避、假装、隐藏。这些态度只能使你短暂获益，如长期使用必会有反效果。现在分别探讨如下：

There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They are the four f's: fight, flight, fake, and fold. Each of these stances offers a short‑term gain, but in the long run they are all counterproductive. Let's explore each of these positions.

　　

　　一、吵架。这个态度发源于男人。当对话变成没有爱心、没有支持时，有些人就开始吵架，他们立刻展开攻击态度，这些人的座右铭是“最强的攻击就是最好的防御”。他们以责骂、判断、批评使配偶以为自己犯了错，他们倾向于以咆哮来表达气愤。内在动机是想胁迫配偶爱他们、支持他们。当配偶让步时，他们以为自己赢了，事实上反而是输了。

I. Fight. This stance definitely comes from Mars. When a conversation becomes unloving and unsupportive some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an offensive stance. Their motto is "the best defense is a strong offense." They strike out by blaming, judging, criticizing, and making their partner look wrong. They tend to start yelling and express lots of anger. Their inner motive is to intimidate their partner into loving and supporting them. When their partner backs down, they assume they have won, but in truth they have lost.

 

　　胁迫永远会使两人之间的关系更缺乏信任。

 

胁迫永远会使两人之间的关系更缺乏信任。以让别人似乎犯错的方法强行获取所需，必然会使关系破裂。夫妻吵架会使他们逐渐失去开放的能力，女人封闭以保护自己，男人则冷漠且停止关怀，彼此之间逐渐失去最初的亲密。

Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship. To muscle your way into getting what you want by making others look wrong is a sure way to fall in a relationship. When couples fight they gradually lose their ability to be open and vulnerable. Women dose up to protect themselves and men shut down and stop caring as much. Gradually they lose whatever intimacy they had in the beginning.

 

二、逃避。这个态度也是发源于男人。男人为了避免对抗，可能会退回他们的洞穴，永远不出来。这好像是冷战，他们拒绝谈话，没有一件事得到解决，这个主动的侵略行为和先前所谈到的略作休息后再回来，以爱心交谈、解决问题的方式截然不同。

2. Flight This stance also come from Mars. To avoid con frontation Martians may retire into their caves and never come out. This is like a cold war They refuse to talk and nothing gets resolved. This passive­aggressive behavior is not the same as taking a time‑out and then coming back to talk and resolve things in a more loving fashion.

 

这些火星人害怕对抗，宁可采低姿态以避免谈任何可能引起争论的话题。在关系里，他们是踩在蛋壳上，一触即破裂。

These Martians are afraid of confrontation and would rather he low and avoid talking about any topics that may cause an argument. They walk on eggshells in a relationship. Women commonly complain they have to walk on eggshells, but men do also. It is so ingrained in men that they don't even realize how much they do it.

 

　有些夫妻宁可不再谈意见不合的事，而不愿发生争论。他们获取所需的方式是以抑制爱来处罚配偶，他们不像吵架的人那样直接伤害配偶，而是以慢慢剥夺他们应得的爱来间接伤害他们。抑制爱必然会使配偶对我们付出得更少。

Rather than arguing, some couples will simply stop talking about their disagreements. Their way of trying to get what they want is to punish their partner by withholding love. They do not come out and directly hurt their partners, like the fighters. Instead they indirectly hurt them by slowly depriving them of the love they deserve. By withholding love our partners are sure to have less to give us.

 

短期的获益是平静与和谐，但如果事情没有讲开，感觉没说出来，气愤必定会继续衍生，以长期来看，他们会失去使他们当初结合在一起的热情与爱情。他们通常会以过度工作、饮食或其他耽溺行为，来麻醉未解决的痛苦感觉。

The short‑term gain is peace and harmony, but if issues are not being talked about and feelings are not being heard then resentmerits will build. In the long run, they lose touch with the passionate and loving feelings that drew them together. They generally use overworking, overeating, or other addictions as a way to numb their unresolved painful feelings.

 

三、假装。这个态度则根源于女人。为了避免对抗可能造成的伤害，就假装什么问题也没发生，她睑上挂着笑，似乎每件事她都同意，看起来也很快乐。一段时间后，这个女人会愈来愈气愤，她们总是对配偶付出，却没有得到回馈。气愤的情绪逐渐阻隔了爱的表达。

3. Fake. This stance comes from Venus. To avoid being hurt in a confrontation this person pretends that there is no problem. She puts a smile on her face and appears to be very agreeable and happy with everything. Over time, however, these women become increasingly resentful; they are always giving to their partner but they do not get what they need in return. This resentment blocks the natural expression of love.

 

她们害怕公开感觉，试图使每件事看起来都“很好”，男人以为这是赞美，女人却认为这表示某些事已经很不一样了。他以为是：“很好，因为我能独力完成。”或“很好，因为我知道该做什么。”或“很好，因为我正掌握这件事，不需要任何帮忙。”女人则把这种赞美视为避免冲突或争论的讯号。

They are afraid to be honest about their feelings, so they try to make everything "all right, OK, and fine." Men commonly use these phrases, but for them they mean something completely different. He means "It is OK because I am dealing with it alone" or "It's all right because I know what to do" or "It's fine because I am handling it, and I don't need any help." Unlike a man, when a woman uses these phrases it may be a sign that she is trying to avoid a conflict or argument.

 

为了避免关系动摇，女人会欺骗自己相信每件事都很好，但事实却不然。为了避免可能发生的冲突，她会牺牲或克制自己的需要与感觉。

To avoid making waves, a woman may even fool herself and believe that everything is OK, fine, and all right when it really isn't. She sacrifices or denies her wants, feelings, and needs to avoid the possibility of conflict.

 

四、隐藏。这个态度也发源于女人。女人宁可付出，也不愿争论。她们愿意受责骂，并对配偶的难过负责。短期看来，她们创造一个非常具有爱与支持的关系，但最后却失去了自己。

4. Fold. This stance also comes from Venus. Rather than argue this person gives in. They will take the blame and assume responsibility for whatever Is upsetting their partner. In the short run they create what looks like a very loving and supportive relationship, but they end up losing themselves.

 

有个男人曾向我抱怨他的太太。他说：“我很爱她，她给我所有我想要的。我唯一的抱怨是她不快乐。”他的太太为了丈夫克制了自己二十年。他们从不吵架，如果你问她有关他们的关系，她会说：“我们关系很好，我的丈夫人很好。我们唯一的问题是我，我不知道为什么总是觉得沮丧。”事实上，她沮丧是因为她克制自己，让自己当了二十年的顺民。

A man once complained to me about his wife. He said, "I love her so much. She gives me everything I want. My only complaint Is she is not happy." His wife had spent twenty years denying herself for her husband. They never fought, and if you asked her about her relationship she would say "We have a great relationship. My husband is so loving. Our only problem is me. I am depressed and I don't know why." She is depressed because she has denied herself by being agreeable for twenty years.

 

这些人能察知配偶的要求，然后把自己塑造成能取悦配偶的模子，最后，她们气自己因爱而放弃了自己。任何形式的拒绝都使人痛苦万分，因为她们正在拒绝自己。她们不计代价避免拒绝，想因此得到爱，但是在这个过程里，真正被放弃的却是她们本来的面目。

To please their partners these people intuitively sense their partners' desires and then mold themselves in order to please. Eventually they resent having to give up themselves for love.Any form of rejection is very painful because they are already rejecting themselves so much. They seek to avoid rejection at all costs and want to be loved by all. In this process they literally give up who they are.

 

你可能发现自己具有这四种态度中的一种。通常人们会从一种态度换成另一种态度，每一种都是为了保护自己免于受伤害，不幸的是，这一点效果也没有。唯一有效的是分辨争论之重点，并停止争论，暂作休息，让自己冷静下来再回来继续谈。以了解和尊重异性的态度来练习沟通，你会逐渐学到如何避免争论和吵架。

You may have found yourself in one of these four f's or in many of them. People commonly move from one to the other. In each of the above four strategies our intention is to protect ourselves from being hurt. Unfortunately, it does not work. What works is to identify arguments and stop. Take a time‑out to cool off and then come back and talk again. Practice communicating with increased understanding and respect for the opposite sex and you will gradually learn to avoid arguments and fights.

 

 

为什么争论

WHY WE ARGUE

 

男女通常为了钱、性、决定、安排时间、价值、孩子的教养、家事责任等问题争论。只有一个理由会使以上的“商量”转成痛苦的“争论”，那是觉得没有被爱。没有被爱的感觉使我们的情感非常痛苦，而当一个人情感痛苦时，也难以去爱人。

Men and women commonly argue about money, sex, decisions, scheduling, values, child rearing, and household responsibilities. These discussions and negotiations, however, turn into painful arguments for only one reason‑we are not feeling loved. Emotional pain comes from not feeling loved, and when a person is feeling emotional pain it is hard to be loving.

 

因为女人不是从火星来，她们无法直接感觉出男人为了摆平意见不合而需要些什么。冲突的意见、感觉及欲望是男人最困难的挑战，他与女人愈亲近，就愈难处理两人的不同与意见不合。如果她不喜欢他所做的某些事，他会以为是因为她不喜欢他，所以才不喜欢他做的事。

Because women are not from Mars, they do not instinctively realize what a man needs in order to deal successfully with disagree merits. Conflicting ideas, feelings, and desires are a difficult challenge for a man. The closer he is to a woman, the harder it is to deal with differences and disagreements. When she doesn't like something he has done, he tends to take it very personally and feels she doesn't like him.

 

当男人的情感需求获得满足时，他就能够掌握两人的不同与意见不合的时候。但当他爱的需求被剥夺时，他会防御自己，表现出阴暗的一面，直觉地拔出他的剑。表面上，他似乎是为事情争论(钱、责任等等)，但他拔剑的真正理由是没有感受到爱。当男人争论钱、安排日期、孩子或其他事时，他们背地里可能是为以下的理由而争论。

A man can handle differences and disagreements best when his emotional needs are being fulfilled. When he is deprived of the love he needs , however, he becomes defensive and his dark side begins to emerge; instinctively he draws his sword. On the surface he may seem to be arguing about the issue (money, responsibilities, and so forth), but the real reason he has drawn his sword is he doesn't feel loved. When a man argues about money, scheduling, children, or any other issue, secretly he may be arguing for some of the following reasons:

 

男人争论的潜在理由

THE SECRET REASONS MEN ARGUE

 

他争论的潜在原因                                     如何使他不争论

The hidden reason he is arguinging           What he needs not to argue

 

1.“我不喜欢她因芝麻小事而难过。那          1.他需要她接受他做事的方式，不要试图改进他

会使我觉得受到批评、拒绝和不接受。”

       I. "I don't like it when she gets             I. He needs to feel accepted just

       upset over the smallest things I do        the way he is. Instead he feels she

is or don't do. I feel criticized,               trying to improve him.

       rejected, and unaccepted."

 

2.“我不喜欢她告诉我该怎么做。我觉得没      2.他需要受赞美，而不是受压制。

有受到赞美，却受到像孩子般的对待。”

       2. "I don't like it when she starts            2. He needs to feel admired.

       telling me how I should do                          Instead he feels put down.

       things. I don't feel admired.

       Instead I feel like I am being

       treated like a child."

 

3.“我不喜欢她一不高兴就骂我。我觉        　  3.他需要受鼓励，而不是放弃自己。

　　得她没有鼓励我成为身披闪亮盔甲的

武士。”

       3. "I don't like it when she blames           3. He needs to feel encouraged.

       me for her unHappiness. I don't                 Instead he feels like giving up.

       feel encouraged to be her

       knight in shining armor."

         　　

4.“我不喜欢她抱怨自己做得太多或           　　4.他需要感激，而不是责骂、无知、无力感。

　　觉得我不感激她，那会使我觉得她没

　　有感激我为她做的事。”

 

5.“我不喜欢她烦恼每一件可能出错的     　　  5.他需要配偶信任并感激他令她有、安全感，

事，那会让我觉得不被信任。”                             而不需对她的焦虑负责。

　　

 

她争论的潜在原因                                                   如何是她不争论

The hidden reason she is arguing                          What she needs not to argue

 

6.“我不喜欢她期待我去做事或告诉我　　6.他需要她接受他的做事方法，而不

　　该做什么事，我觉得没被接受与尊     　　是控制或施加压力让他讲话，那会使

重。”                                                         　   他无话可讲，并感到自己从没有让她满意过。

       6. "I don't like it when he doesn't         6. She needs to feel reassured that

       respond to my questions or com‑         he is listening and that he cam.

       ments. It makes me feel like I don't             Instead she feels ignored or judged.

       exist. "

 

7.“我不喜欢她因我说的话而受到伤      　　7.她需要他的接受与信任，而不是拒绝

　　害，那会使我觉得没被信任、了解，   　　与不原谅。

并被拒于千里之外。”

       7. "I don't like it when he explains        7. She needs to feel validated and

       why I should not be hurt, worried,              understood. Instead she feels

       angry, or anything else. I feel inval‑             unsupported, unloved, and

       idated and unsupported. ~                        resentful.

 

8.“我不喜欢她期待我读懂她的心。我    　　8.他需要受肯定与接受，而不是觉得自

　　不能。她的期待只会使我觉得我很差     　　己像个失败者。

劲、不够好。”

       8. "I don't like it when he expects         8. She needs to feel respected and

       me to be more detached. It makes        cherished, especially when she is

       me feel like it is wrong or weak to        sharing her feelings. Instead she

       have feelings."                                            feels unsafe and unprotected.

 

 

满足男人的情感需求，可以减少他引发伤害性争论的倾向。他自然会以更多的尊重、了解及体贴去倾听与表达。不同的意见、负面的感觉，可经由对话、商量、妥协获得解决，而不至于导致伤害性的争论。

Though all these painful feelings and needs are valid, they are generally not dealt with and communicated directly. Instead they build up inside and come bursting up during an argument. Sometimes they are directly addressed, but usually they come up and are expressed through facial expression, body posture, and tone of voice.

 

女人也会挑起伤害性的争论，但理由不同。表面上她可能为财务、责任或其他事情争论，但背地里，她是因以下的理由而抗拒配偶：

Men and women need to understand and cooperate with their particular sensitivities and not resent them. You will he addressing the true problem by trying to cornmunicate in a way that fl^ your partner's emotional needs. Arguments can then truly become mutually supportive conversations necessary to resolve and negotiate differences and disagreements.

 

女人争论的潜在理由

 

她争论的潜在原因                               　　如何使她不争论

 

　　1.我不喜欢他小看我的感觉或需求的　　1.她需要被认同与珍爱，而不是批评与

　　重要性，那使我觉得不受重视、不重　　忽视。

要。

 

”2.“我不喜欢他忘了我叫他做的事，使  　2.她需要受尊重与在意，而不是把她放

　　我不得不喋喋不休，我好像在乞求他　　在优先顺序的最后一位。

支持似的。”

 

　　3.“我不喜欢他责备我的难过，那会让　　3.她需要他了解她难过的理由，并向她

　　我觉得我必须完美，他才会爱我。我 　　保证他仍然爱她而且她不必完美。她

　　不是个完美的人。”                                        不愿觉得不安全．

 

4.“我不喜欢他提高声音说话或列举他　　4.她需要被了解与尊重，而不是欺凌与

　　自认合理之处，那会使我觉得我做错　　压制。

了，不重视我的意见。”

 

5.“我不喜欢他询问有关我们共同要做　　5.她需要他在乎她的感觉，并尊重她搜

　　的决定时的优越态度，这令我觉得我 　　集资料的需求，而不是不受尊重与未

　　是个负担，在浪费他的时间。”                    得到感激。

 

6.“我不喜欢他向我说明为何我不应该 　　6.她需要被认同与了解。她不愿意觉得

　　忧伤、不应该觉得受伤害或其他的什 　　没有爱与支持。

么，我会觉得没被他认同、支持。”

 

7.“我不喜欢他不回答我的问题，那彷　　7.她需要确定他正在听，并且在乎她说

　　佛我不存在似的。” 　　　　　　　　　　的话。她不愿意他忽视她或批评她。

 

8.“我不喜欢他认为我可以马虎一点，　　8.她需要受尊重与珍惜，尤其是在她分

　　那仿佛我是在做一件错事。”　　　　　　享感觉时，否则她会觉得不安全，没

受到保护。

 

　　虽然以上的痛苦感觉和需求都存在，但是不会直接出现在沟通中，而是藏在内火，等到争论时才会一倾而出。有时候，他们会直接讲出来，但通常是透过睑部表情、身体动作和声调来表达。

男女必须了解他们独特的敏感性，要与这敏感性合作，而不是生气。你如果试着以满足配偶情感需要的沟通方式讲出问题症结，那么，争论就能成为互相支持的对话，两人的差异与意见不合便可以得到协商与解决。

 

 

 

剖析争论

THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT

 

伤害性的争论通常可以加以剖析，你可以参考以下的例子：

A hurtful argument usually has a basic anatomy. Maybe you can relate to the following example.

 

我和太太有天去散步和野餐。用餐过后气氛融洽，但我一谈起未来可能进行的投资时，她马上难过起来。我只是考虑把储蓄的一部分放入有增值性的股票，以我的看法，我只是尚在考虑中，但她听成我正在执行(没有考虑她的意见)。她难过我要这么做，我因她的难过而不舒服，我们开始争论。

My wife and I went on a beautiful walk and picnic. After eating, everything seemed fine until I started talking about possible investments. Suddenly she became upset that I would consider investing a　certain portion of our savings in aggressive stocks. From my point of view I was only considering it, but what she heard was that I was planning it (without even considering her point of view). She became upset that I would do such a thing. I became upset with her for being upset with me, and we had an argument.

 

我以为她否定我的投资选择，和我争论这选择的可行性。我们的争论是因我生气她对此感到难过而起。她争论增值性的股票风险太高，但她真正难过的是，我没有问她对这件事的看法就擅自做决定。另外，她也伤心我没有尊重她会有难过的权利，最后我变得很沮丧，她才道歉没有了解和相信我。我们这才冷静下来。

I thought she disapproved of my investment choices and argued for their validity. My argument however was fueled by my anger that she was upset with me. She argued that aggressive stocks were too risky. But really she was upset that I would consider this investmerit without exploring her ideas on the subject. In addition she was upset that I was not respecting her right to be upset. Eventually I became so upset that she apologized to me for misunderstanding and mistrusting me and we cooled down.

 

和好后，她提出问题：“有许多次我们争论，都好像我因某些事难过，而我的难过又挑起你的难过，然后，我必须为引起你难过而道歉。我想有些事不该是这样的，有时候，我也希望你会为引起我的难过而道歉。”

Later on, after we had made up, she posed this question. She said, "Many times when we argue, it seems that I get upset about something, and then you get upset that I am upset, and then I have to apologize for upsetting you. Somehow I think something is missing. Sometimes I would like you to tell me you are sorry for upsetting me."

 

我立刻看出她这番话的逻辑。期待她为她所做的事道歉似乎是不公平的，尤其是当我先使她难过时。这个新观察转变了我们的关系，当我在演讲分享这经验时，我发现成千上万的妇女可以立刻认同我太太的经验。这是另一种常见的男性／女性模式，让我们看看这基本模式：

Immediately I saw the logic of her point of view. Expecting an apology from her did seem rather unfair, especially when I upset her first. This new insight transformed our relationship. As I shared this experience in my seminars I discovered that thousands of women could immediately identify with my wife's experience. It was another common male/female pattern. Let's review the basic pattern.

 

　　1.女人表达她对“XY”的难过感觉。

　　2.男人解释为什么她不该因“XY”难过。

　　3.她因觉得没有被认同而更难过(她现在是因没被认同而难过，不是因“XY”

　　)。

　　4.他因她的不赞成而难过。他责备她引起他难过，并期待她道歉。

5.她惊讶地为发生的事道歉或更难过，争论扩大成战斗。

I. A woman expresses ber upset feelings about "XYZ"

2. A man explains why she shouldn't be upset about "XYZ."

3. She feels invalidated and becomes more upset. (She is now more upset about being invalidated than about "XYW.")

4. He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an

apology before making up.

5. She apologizes and wonders what happened, or she becomes MOM upset and the argument escalates into a battle.

 

清晰地剖析这个争论模式后，就可以用较公平的方法来解决这个问题。我想起女人从金星来，我练习不要责备她的难过，反过来寻找我为何使她难过的原因，并表达我对她的关心。不管她是不是误解我，只要她觉得被我伤害了，我就必须让她了解我关心她，并向她道歉。

Sometimes, however, apologizing is very difficult. At those times I take a deep breath and say nothing. Inside I try to imagine how she feels and discover the reasons from her point of view. Then I say, "I'm sorry you feel so upset." Although this is not an apology it does say "I care," and that seems to help a lot.

 

当她难过时，我首先学习倾听，然后尝试了解她在难过什么，再说：“我说XY