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第十章  为爱情加分

Chapter I0  Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex

 

男人通常认为他为女人做大事时得分很高，如给她买新车、带她去度假；当他为女人做小事时得分较低，如打开车门、送她花、拥抱她。根据这些记分，他相信只要集中他的时问、精力及注意力在为她做大事上，就可以满足她。但是这个公式无效，因为女人自有她不同的记分法。

A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does some­thing very big for her, like buying her a new car or taking her on a vacation. He assumes he scores less when he does something small, like opening the car door, buying her a flower, or giving her a hug. Based on this kind of score keeping, he believes he will fulfill her best by focusing his time, energy, and attention into doing some­thing large for her. This formula, however, doesn't work because women keep score differently.

 

不管爱的礼物是大是小，女人只记一分，每样礼物的价值都相等。大小不管，通通一分。但男人以为他给小礼物一分，大礼物就有三十分，他不了解女人的记分法和男人是不一样的。

When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. Its size doesn't matter; it gets a point. A man, however, thinks he scores one point for one small gift and thirty points for a big gift. Since he doesn't understand that women keep score differently, he naturally focuses his energies into one or two big gifts.

　　不管爱的礼物是大是小，女人只记一分，每样礼物的价值都相等。

　　

男人不知道女人将小事情看得和大事情一样重要，也就是说，对女人而言，一朵玫瑰和准时付租金得到的是相同的分数。如不了解这种记分的基本不同，男女在关系中会不断发生挫折与失望。

A man doesn't realize that to a woman the little things are just as important as the big things. In other words, to a woman, a single rose gets as many points as paying the rent on time. Without understanding this basic difference in score keeping, men and women are continually frustrated and disappointed in their relationships.

 

以下的例子说明这一点：

The following case illustrates this:

佩恩在咨询时说：“我为强克做了许多，但他却忽视我，他只关心他的工作。”

In counseling, Pam said, "I do so much for Chuck and he ignores me. All he cares about is his work."

 

强克说：“可是我工作的所得用来付我们漂亮房子的贷款及旅行。她应该很快乐。”

Chuck said, "But my work pays for our beautiful house and allows us to go on vacations. She should be happy."

 

佩恩回答：“如果我们不能彼此相爱，我不在乎房子和旅行。我需要你给我更多。”

Pam replied, "I don't care about this house or the vacations if we are not loving each other. I need more from you."

 

强克说：“你似乎说你付出的比较多。”

Chuck said, "You make it sound like you give so much more."

 

佩恩说：“是，我总是在替你做事，我洗、衣、烧饭、清理房子，我做每件事，你只做一件事——去上班。虽然工作使你赚得钞票，你却期待我做每一件事。”

Pam said, "I do. I am always doing things for you. I do the wash, fix the meals, clean the house‑everything. You do one thing‑you go to work, which does pay the bills. But then you expect me to do every. thing else."

 

　　强克是个成功的医生，像大部分的专家一样，他的工作很费时间，但赚很多钱。他不了解佩恩为何这么不满，他以为每月底收到的高额支票使他至少可得三十分，现在自己开了诊所，收入加倍后，他以为可以得六十分了。他不知道支票只为他赚了一分不论金额大小。

Chuck is a successful doctor. Like most professionals his work is very time consuming but very profitable. He couldn't understand why his wife, Pam, was so discontent. He earned a "good living" and he provided a "good life" for his wife and family, but when he came Home his wife was unhappy.

 

强克不知道在佩恩的看法里，他钱赚得愈多，她失去的愈多。他的新诊所需要他付出更多时间和精力，为了让先生得到松懈，佩恩更加努力经营他们的个人生活和关系，当她付出更多时，她觉得自己每个月该得到的是六十分，而他却只有付出一分，这使得她非常不高兴、非常气愤。

In Chuck's mind, the more money he made at work, the less he needed to do at, Home to fulfill his wife. He thought his hefty paycheck at the end of the month scored him at least thirty points. When he opened his own clinic and doubled his income, he assumed he was now scoring sixty points a month. He had no idea that his paycheck earned him only one point each month with Pam‑no matter how big it was.Chuck did not realize that from Pam's point of view, the more he earned, the less she got. His new clinic required more time and energy. To pick up the slack she began to do even more to manage their personal life and relationship. As she gave more, she felt as if she was scoring about sixty points a month to his one. This made her very unhappy and resentful.

 

佩恩觉得她付出很多，却得到很少。强克的看法却是认为自己给与的很多(六十分)，所以也应从太太那里回收这么多，他认为他们的分数平等，除了她不高兴外，他很满意他们的关系。他责备她要求太多，他认为他不断增加的收入和她的付出相等，这个观念使得佩恩更加气愤。

Pam felt she was giving much more and getting less. From Chuck's point of view he was now giving more (sixty points) and should get more from his wife. In his mind the score was even. He was satisfied with their relationship except for one thing‑she wasn't happy. He blamed her for wanting too much. To him, his increased payc equaled what she was giving. This attitude made Pam even more angry.

 

他们听了我录音带上的关系课程后，都放弃彼此责备，以爱来解决问题，因此原本可能走上离婚的关系改变了。

After listening to my relationship course on tape, both pam and Chuck were able to let go of their blame and solve their problem with love. A relationship headed for divorce was transformed.

 

强克学到为太太做点小事可以创造很大的不同。他很惊讶当他开始对她多付出时间和精力时，事情会改变得那么快。他理解了女人将小事看得和大事一样重要。他也了解了他原来的工作为何只得一分。

Chuck learned that doing little things for his wife made a big difference. He was amazed at how quickly things changed when he started devoting more time and energy to her. He began to appreciate that for a woman little things are just as important as big things. He now understood why his work scored only one point.

 

佩恩确实有理由不高兴，她需要强克个人的精力、努力、注意力甚于他们富有的生活形态。强克发现，只要少花点精力赚钱，多加一点点精力在正确的方向，他的太太就会更高兴，他知道过去为了使她高兴，花太多时间工作，自从他了解她的记分方式后，他回家都是充满信心，因为他知道如何让她高兴。

Actually, Pam had good reason to be unhappy. She truly needed Chuck's personal energy, effort, and attention much more than their wealthy life­style. Chuck discovered that by spending less energy making money and devoting just a little more energy in the right direction. his wife would be much happier. He recognized that he had been working longer hours in hopes of making her happier. Once he understood how she kept score, he could come Home with a new confidence because he knew how to make her happy.

 

LITTLE THINGS MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE

 

有许多方法可使男人不必做多少事就得到配偶的记分。只要调整他原已给与的精力与注意力即可。但事实上即使多数男人知道也不愿麻烦去做这些事，因为他们不知道小事情对女人有多重要。在比较他为她做的大事后，他最终会真正相信小事情是十分重要的。

There are a variety of ways a man can score points with his partner without having to do much. It is just a matter of redirecting the energy and attention he is already giving. Most men already know about many of these things but don't bother to do them because they don't realize how important the little things are to a woman. A man truly believes the little things are insignificant when compared to the big things he is doing for her.

 

有些男人可能以做小事来建立关系，但做一两次后就停止了，他们透过神秘的直觉力量，把精力集中在为配偶做大事上，而忽略了可使女人满足关系的小事。为了满足女人，男人必须了解她对爱与支持的需求。

Some men may start out in a relationship doing the little things, but having done them once or twice they stop. Through some mysterious instinctive force, they begin to focus their energies into doing one big thing for their partners. They then neglect to do all the little things that are necessary for a woman to feel fulfilled in the relationship. To fulfill a woman, a man needs to understand what she needs to feel loved and supported.

 

女人记分的方式不只是嗜好，而是真的需要。女人在关系中必须得到许多爱的表达才能感到被爱，一种或两种爱的表达，不管有多重要，都不能满足她。

The way women score points is not just a preference but a true need. Women need many expressions of love in a relationship to feel loved. One or two expressions of love, no matter how important, will not, and cannot, fulfill her.

 

男人很难了解这一点。有个探讨的方法是想像女人有个像车子汽油槽般的爱槽，这个槽需要不时地加满。加满女人爱槽的秘密是做许多小事(可得许多分)。当爱槽加满了，女人就能感受到爱，而会回应给男人深爱、信任、接受、感激、赞美、肯定和鼓励。

This can be extremely hard for a man to understand. One way to look at it is to imagine that women have a love tank similar to the gas tank on a car. It needs to be filled over and over again. Doing many little things (and scoring many points) is the secret for filling a woman's love tank. A woman feels loved when her love tank is full. She is able to respond with greater love, trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Lots of little things are needed to top off her tank.

　　以下是一百零一条男人可用来维持女人爱槽盈满的方法。

Following is a list of I0I of the little ways a man can keep his partner's love tank full.

 

让爱情加分的101妙方

I0 I WAYS TO SCORE POINTS WITH A WOMAN

1.回到家，先别做其他的事，先找她，拥抱她。

2.问她这天过得如何，包括她计画做的事(如：你去看医生有什么结果？)

3.练习听问题、问问题。

4.同情她的问题，但别试图解决她的问题。

5.不待她要求，就给她二十分钟专注的时间(这时不要读报或分心)。

6.随时像在特殊场合一样，送她一束花，让她惊喜。

7.提前计画约会，不要等到周末，才问她想做什么。

8.如果平时总是她做晚餐，如她太累太忙，请主动做晚餐。

9.赞美她的外貌装扮。

10.她难过时，认同她的感觉。

I. Upon returning Home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.

2. Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do (e.g., "How did your appointment with the doctor go?").

3. Practice listening and asking questions.

4. Resist the temptation to solve her problemsempathize instead.

5. Give her twenty minutes of unsolicited, quality attention (don't read the newspaper or be distracted by anything else during this time).

6. Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions.

7. Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.

8. If she generally makes dinner or if it is her turn and she seems tired or really busy, offer to make dinner.

9. Compliment her on how she looks.

I0. Validate her feelings when she is upset.

11.她累时，帮助她。

12.旅行时，行程排松一点，让她不必太赶。

13.如果你会迟到，打电话让她知道。

14.当她请求支持时，你说好或不好时，别让她觉得她的请求是错的。

15.不管何时她的感觉受了伤害，给她同情，并告诉她：“很对不起，让你觉得受伤害了。”然后沉默，让她感受你了解她的伤害，不要提供解答或解释她的伤害不是你的错。

16.不管何时，你需要离开时，让她知道你会回来，或告诉她你需要时间想一些事情。

17.当你冷静下来回来后，用尊重的态度谈困扰你的事，她才不会把事情想得很糟。

18.在冬天时负责点炉火。

19.当她跟你讲话时，放下报纸或关掉电视，全神贯注听她说。

20.如果平日是她洗碗，你偶尔也洗一下，尤其在她很疲倦时。

21.她难过或疲倦时要注意她，问她要做什么事，然后帮她做点“这些事”。

II. Offer to help her when she is tired.

I2. Schedule extra time when traveling so that she doesn't have to rush.

I3. When you are going to be late, call her and let her know.

I4. When she asks for support, say yes or no without making her wrong for asking.

I5. Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her "I'm sorry you feel hurt." Then be silent; let her feel your understanding of her hurt. Don't offer solutions or explanations why her hurt is not your fault.

I6. Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need some time to think about things.

I7. When you've cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful, nonblaming way, so she doesn't imagine the worst.

I8. Offer to build a fire in wintertime.

I9. When she talks to you, put down the magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention.

20. If she usually washes the dishes, occasionally offer

 to wash the dishes, especially if she is tired that day.

22.出门时，问她需不需要你顺便买些东西回来，若需要，别忘了去买。

23.让她知道你正打算小睡一下或想要出门。

24.每天拥抱她四次。

25.上班时，打电话问她好不好，分享一些兴奋的事，我告訢她“我爱你”。

26.每天至少告訢她几次“我爱你”。

27.铺床，清理卧室。

28.如果是她洗袜子，请把袜子翻正面，好让她省去这道手续。

29.注意垃圾桶是否满了，把垃圾倒干净。

30.如果你离城，打电话报平安，并留下可联络到你的电话号码。

2I. Notice when she is upset or tired and ask what

she has to do. Then offer to help by doing a few of her "to do" items.

22. When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up.

23. Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave.

24. Give her four hugs a day. dive er four hugs a day.

25. Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her "I love you."

26. Tell her "I love you" at least a couple of times every day.

27. Make the bed and clean up the bedroom.

28. If she washes your socks, turn your socks right side out so she doesn't have to.

29. Notice when the trash is full and offer to empty it.

30. When you are out of town, call to leave a telephone number where you can be reached and to let her know you arrived safely.

31.洗车。32.和她约会前，先清洗车子，并清理车内。

33.做爱之前先洗澡，如果她喜欢，再洒上些古龙水。

34.当她对某些人生气时，拖她带离现场。

35.按摩她的背、颈子或脚。

36.有时候，就算没有性爱，也要制造拥抱或柔情的气氛。

37.她在分享感觉时，你要有耐心，不要看表。

38.她和你看电视时，不要拿着遥控器转台。

39.在众人场合表现你对她的感情。

40.牵手时，不要让你的手软弱无力。

3 I. Wash her car.

32. Wash your car and clean up the interior before a date with her.

33. Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that.

34. Take her side when she is upset with someone.

35. Offer to give her a back or neck or foot massage (or all three).

36. Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate  sometimes without being sexual.

37. Be patient when she is sharing. Don't look at your watch.

38. Don't flick the remote control to different channels when she is watching TV with you.

39. Display affection in public.

40. When holding hands don't let your hand go limp.

41.了解她最喜欢的饮料，必要时，可把她喜欢的拿出来给她选择。

42.出去吃饭时，建议去不同的餐厅，不要让她有寻找餐厅的负担。

43.为她买戏剧、音乐会、歌剧、舞蹈，或她喜欢的表演的入场券。

44.制造两人可以打扮漂亮出门的机会。

45.体谅她的迟到或临时决定改变衣着。

46.在公众面前，对她付出比别人更多的注意力。

47.把她看得比孩子还重要，让孩子看见是她最先引起你的注意和重视。

48.买小礼物给她——如一小盒巧克力糖或香水。

49.买装饰品给她(拿一张她的独照给店员帮忙选适合她的饰品)。

50.在特殊的场合替她拍照。

4I. Learn her favorite drinks so you can offer her a

       choice of the ones  that you know she already likes.

42. Suggest different restaurants for going out; don't put the burden of figuring out where to go on her.

43. Get season tickets for the theater, symphony, opera, ballet, or some other type of performance she likes.

44. Create occasions when you both can dress up.

45. Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit.

46. Pay more attention to her than to others in public.

47. Make her more important than the children. Let the children see her getting your attention first and foremost.

48. Buy her little presents‑like a small box of chocolates or perfume.

49. Buy her an outfit (take a picture of your partner along with her sizes to the store and let them help you select it).

50. Take pictures of her on special occasions.

51.出去度个浪漫的短假。

52.让她看见你把她的照片放在你的皮夹里，并不断更新照片。

53.住饭店时，请饭店准备特别的东西，如一瓶香槟、苹果汁或一束灿烂的花。

54.给特殊节目写张短笺或做个标论，如结婚纪念日和生日。

55.长途旅行时，由你开车。

56.慢慢开车，保持安全，尊重她的选择。毕竟，她坐在较危险的前座。

57.注意她的感受，并说：“你今天看起来很高兴。”或“你看起来很累。”然后问这样的问题：“你今天过得好不好？”

58.带她出门时，学习辨认方向，这样她就不会觉得该对方向负责。

59.带她去跳舞或一起上舞蹈课。

60.写给她一张爱的短笺或诗，让她惊喜。

5 I. Take short romantic getaways.

52. Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it from time to time.

53. When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special, like a bottle of champagne or sparkling apple juice or flowers.

54. Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries* and birthdays.

55. Offer to drive the car on long trips.

56. Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat.

57. Notice how she Is feeling and comment on it ‑"You look happy today " or "You look tired"‑and then ask a question like "How was your day?"

58. When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate.

59. Take her dancing or take dancing lessons together.

60. Surprise her with a love note or poem.

61.用刚建立关系时的态度对待她。

62.修理房子中破损的东西，问：“房子里有没有什么需要修理？我还有时间。”不要做超出能力所能负担的。

63.帮她磨菜刀。

64.买一些好的超级强力胶，修补擦掉的东西。

65.灯泡坏了，尽可能马上更换。

66.帮助处理、收拾垃圾。

67.看到报上她有兴趣的部分，大声读出来成剪下来给她。

68.整齐写下你接到她留给你的电话留言。

69.保持浴室地板干净，淋浴后，将地板擦干。

70.为她开门。

6I. Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship.

62. Offer to fix something around the house. Say "What needs to be fixed around here? I have some extra time." Don't take on more than you can do.

63. Offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen.

64. Buy some good Super Glue to fix things that are broken.

65. Offer to change fight bulbs as soon as they go out.

66. Help with recycling the trash.

67. Read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her.

68. Write out neatly any phone me~ you may take for her

69. Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry it after taking a shower.

70. Open the door for her.

71.购物后，帮她提东西。

72.为她提重的袋子。

73.旅行时，负责提行李，负责将行李放进车中。

74.她洗碗时，帮她刷锅子或做其他较粗重的事。

75.制作一张“修理”表，放在厨房。一有多余的时间就为她做一些表上的事项，不要拖太久。

76.她准备晚餐时，称赞她做的菜。

77.听她谈话时，看着她的眼睛。

78.和她讲话时，偶尔用手踫她。

79.对她当天做的事和她读的书、她接的电话表示兴趣。

80.听她讲话时，适度地发出嗯、哼、啊、哦之声，让她知道你对她所谈的感到兴趣。

7I. Offer to carry the groceries.

72. Offer to carry heavy boxes for her.

73. On trips, handle the luggage and be responsible for packing it in the car.

74. If she washes the dishes or it is her rum, offer to help scrub pots or other difficult tasks.

75. Make a "to fix" list and leave it in the kitchen. When you have extra time do something on that fist for her. Don't let it get too long.

76. When she prepares a meal, compliment her cooking.

77. When listening to her talk, use eye contact.

78. Touch her with your hand sometimes when you talk to her.

79. Show interest in what she does during the day, in the books she reads and the people she relates to.

80. When listening to her, reassure her that you are interested by making little noises like ah ha, uh‑huh, oh, mmhuh, and hmmmm.

81.问她现在的感觉。

82.如果她生病了，随时问最新病情。

83.她累时，替她泡杯茶。

84.和她同时上床睡觉。

85.出门前跟她吻别说再见。

86.对她讲的笑话或幽默发笑。

87.她为你做事时，你要说谢谢。

88.她做了头发后，要称赞她的新发型。

89.增加两人独处的时间。

90.亲密时刻或她在分享脆弱感觉时，不要接电话。

81. Ask her how she is feeling.

82. If she has been sick in some way, ask for an update and ask how she is doing or feeling.

83. If she is tired offer to make her some tea.

84. Get ready to go to sleep together and get in bed at the same time.

85. Give her a kiss and say good‑bye when you leave.

86. Laugh at her jokes and humor.

87. Verbally say thank you when she does things for you.

88. Notice when she gets her hair done and give a reassuring compliment.

89. Create special time to be alone together.

90. Don't answer the phone at intimate moments or if she is sharing vulnerable feelings.

91.就算路程很短，也一起走一段。

92.安排野餐。

93.她操作洗衣机时，你把脏衣服搜集到洗衣机旁。

94.陪她去散步。

95.以商量的态度告诉她你希望她得到她所要的，你也得到你所要的。但要小心谨慎，不要成为牺牲者。

96.当你离家时，让她知道你想她。

97.带她最喜欢的派或甜点回家给她。

98.如果平时是她买菜，有空时，陪她一起去买菜。

99.在浪漫的场合吃少一点，才不会太饱和太累。

100.要求她把她的想法列在这张表上。

101.如厕后保持马桶盖放下。

9I. Go bicycling together, even if it's just a short ride.

92. Organize and prepare a picnic. (Remember to bring a picnic cloth.)

93. If she handles the laundry, bring the clothes to the cleaners or offer to do the wash.

94. Take her for a walk without the children.

 

95. Negotiate in a manner that shows her that you want her to get what she wants and you also want what you want. Be caring, but don't be a martyr.

96. Let her know that you missed her when you went away.

97. Bring Home her favorite pie or dessert.

98. If she normally shops for the food, offer to do the food shopping.

99. Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don't become stuffed and tired later.

I00. Ask her to add her thoughts to this list.

I01. Leave the bathroom seat down.

 

 

做小事的惊人效果

THE MAGIC OF DOING LITTLE THINGS

 

男人为女人做小事的效果十分惊人，那可使女人的爱槽在满。当分数与女人心中期望的相等或几乎相等时，女人知道她是被爱的，她也会以信任和爱回报。只要她知道自己被爱，她可以毫无怨慰地爱他。

It's magic when a man does little things for his woman. It keeps her love tank full and the score even. When the score is even, or almost even, a woman knows she is loved, which makes her more trusting and loving in return. When a woman knows she's loved, she can love without resentment.

　　

为女人做小事也是男人的治疗过程。事实上，这些小事也能治疗他的忿恨。他会开始感觉到力量与效果，因为她得到了她要的关心。在这种情况下两人都获益。

Doing little things for a woman is also healing for a man. In fact, those little things will tend to heal his resentments as well as hers. He begins to feel powerful and effective because she's getting the caring she needs. Both are then fulfilled.

 

What a Man News

 

男人需要继续为女人做小事，女人需要特别注意感激他为她做的小事。她可以让他知道，当他含笑说谢谢时他已得一分。男人需靠这种感激和鼓励来继续给与，如果女人觉得他的给与轻而易得，男人就会停止给与，因此女人必须让他知道她感激他的给与。

Just as men need to continue doing little things for a woman, she needs to be particularly attentive to appreciate the little things he does for her. With a smile and a thanks she can let him know he has scored a point. A man needs this appreciation and encouragement to continue giving. He needs to feel he can make a difference. Men stop giving when they feel they are being taken for granted. A woman needs to let him know that what he is doing is appreciated.

 

This doesn't mean that she has to pretend that everything is now perfectly wonderful because he has emptied the trash for her. But she can simply notice that he has emptied the trash and say "thanks." Gradually more love will flow from both sides.

 

What a Man Needs a Woman to Accept

 

女人必须接受男人将所有精力放在大事上及降低小事重要性的天生倾向。接受这个倾向，不应造成她的伤害，她可积极与他一起解决问题，而不要生气他给得太少，她可以重复让他知道她有多感激他为她所做的小事，及他的努力与周到。

A woman needs to accept a man's instinctive tendencies to focus all his energies into one big thing and minimize the importance of the little things. By accepting this inclination, it will not be as hurtful to her. Rather than resenting him for giving less, she can constructively work with him to solve the problem. She can repeatedly let him know how much she appreciates the little things he has done for her and that he works hard and attentively.

 

如果他忘了做小事，她应记得这不表示他不爱她，而是他又把精神专注到大事去了。她可藉由请求支持来鼓励他再度注意她，而不需要责备他。有了感激与鼓励，男人会逐渐学习将小事看得和大事一样重要，他会逐渐减少一味追求成功的冲刺，而多花点时间与太太、家人轻松相处，生活较平衡。

She can remember that his forgetting to do the little things doesn't mean he doesn't love her but that he has become too focused on big things again. Instead of fighting him or punishing him, she can encourage his personal involvement by asking for his support. With more appreciation and encouragement a man will gradually learn to value the little things as well as the big. He will become less driven to be more and more successful and begin to relax more and spend more time with his wife and family.

 

 

调整精力与注意力

REDIRECTING ENERGY AND ATTENTION

 

我犹记得第一次学习将精力调整到小事上的经验。我和邦妮刚结婚时，几乎是个工作狂，除了写书和教课外，每周还有五十小时的咨询实习。结婚第一年，她不断让我知道多么希望多和我相处，她不断告诉我她被遗弃与受伤害的感觉。有时候她会以写信的方式分享感觉，我们称之为情书。这些信总是包含了气愤、忧伤、惧怕、遗憾，而以爱作结束。第十一章将探讨更深入的方法及写情书的重要。她写情书告诉我，我把太多时间花在工作上。

I remember when I first learned to redirect my energies into the little things. When Bonnie and I were first married, I was almost a workaholic. In addition to writing books and teaching seminars, I had a counceling practice for fifty hours a week. In the first year of our marriage, she let me know again and again how much she needed more time with me. Repeatedly she would share her feelings of abandonment and hurt. Sometimes she would share her feelings in a letter. We call this a Love Letter. It always ends with love and includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. In chapter II we will explore more deeply the methods and importance of writing these Love Letters. She wrote this Love Letter about my spending too much time at work.

 

亲爱的约翰：

Dear John,

 

我写此信与你分享我的感觉。我不是要你做什么，只是希望你了解我的感觉。

I'm writing you this letter to share with you my feelings. I don't mean to tell you what to do. I just want you to understand my feelings.

 

我气你在工作上花太多时间，我气你回到家什么也不留给我，我想要有更多的时间与你相处。似乎你把诊所看得比我重要，这让我觉得受到伤害。你的疲劳也使我难过，我想念你。

I am angry that you spend so much time at work. I am angry  y that you come Home with nothing left for

me. I want to spend more time with you. It hurts to feel like you care more about your clients than me. I feel sad that you are so tired. I miss you.

 

我怕你不愿多与我相处，我怕自己成为你人生的另一项负担，我怕自己抱怨不休，我怕我的感觉对你一点也不重要。如果这些话难以入耳，我感到抱歉。我知道你在尽力而为，我也感激你认真工作。

I'm afraid you don't want to spend time with me. I am afraid of being another burden in your life. I am afraid of sounding like a nag. I am afraid my feelings are not important to you. I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. I know you are doing your best. I appreciate how hard you work.

 

爱你的邦妮

I love you, Bonnie

 

读了她被忽视的感觉后，我知道我给诊所的比给她的多。我把全副注意力都给了客户，精疲力尽地回家而忽略了妻子。

After reading about her feeling neglected I realized that I truly was giving more to my clients than I was to her. I would give my undivided attention to my clients and then come Home exhausted and ignore my wife.

 

When a Man Overworks

 

我忽略她不是因为不爱她或不在乎她，而是我没精力可给她了。我天真地以为，我尽力努力工作为她和家庭提供舒适的生活(更多的钱)。自从我了解她的感觉后，我设计了一个解决这个问题的计画。

I was ignoring her not because I didn't love her or care for her but because I had nothing left to give. I naively thought I was doing the best thing by working hard to provide a better life (more money) for her and our family. Once I understood how she felt, I developed a plan for solving this problem in our relationship.

Instead of seeing eight clients a day I started seeing seven. I pretended that my wife was my eighth client.

 

我把每天和八个顾客会面改成七位，我假设我太太是我的第八个顾客。每天我提早一小时回家，我心里想，我太太是我最重要的顾客。我开始为她奉献，回到家就为她做小事。这计画马上就成功了，不只她比较快乐，我也比较快乐。

Every night I came home a hour earlier. I pretended in my mind that my wife was my most important client. I started giving her that devoted and undivided attention I would give a client. When I arrived Home I started doing little things for her. The success of this plan was immediate. Not only was she happier but I was too.

 

逐渐地，当我支持她和家庭的方式让我感受到被爱时，我就比较不会拚命冲刺想成为伟大的成功者。我放慢了脚步，令我惊讶的是，不但我们的关系进步了，我的事业也更成功了，而我却不必花像过去那么多的时间在工作上。

Gradually, as I felt being loved for the ways I could support her and our family, I became less driven to be a great success. I started to slow down, and to my surprise not only our relationship but also my work flourished, becoming more successful without my having to work as hard.

 

我发现，在家扮演的角色成功时会反映在事业上。事业的成功不只靠努力工作，也倚赖我取信于他人的能力。得到家人的爱，不只使我更有自信，其他人也会更相信我、更感谢我。

I found that when I was succeeding at Home, my work reflected that success. I realized that success in the work world was not achieved through hard work alone. It was also dependent on my

ability to inspire trust in others. When I felt loved