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第五章  说不同的语言

Chapter 5 Speaking Different Languages

 

火星人和金星人首次相处时，也碰到了我们今日关系中的许多问题，但跟我们不同的是，他们知道他们原本就是不同的，他们也相信彼此可以解决这些问题。他们成功的秘密之一就是良好的沟通。

When the Martians and Venusians first got together, they encountered many of the problems with relationships we have today. Because they recognized that they were different, they were able to solve these problems. One of the secrets of their success was good communication.

 

有趣的是，他们因为说不同的语言，所以沟通良好。当他们有问题时，就找翻译帮忙。每个人都知道火星来的人和金星来的人说不同的语言，所以冲突发生时他们不是批评或吵架，而是拿出字典去充分了解彼此，如果无效就请翻译来帮忙。

Ironically, they communicated well because they spoke different languages. When they had problems, they would just go to a translator for assistance. Everyone knew that people from Mars and people from Venus spoke different languages, so when there was a conflict they didn't start judging or fighting but instead pulled out their phrase dictionaries to understand each other more fully. If that didn't work they went to a translator for help.

火星人和金星人的语言所使用的字相同，但却有不同的意思。他们的表达方法相似，却有不同的含义或情感重点，因此很容易彼此误解，所以一有沟通问题或轻微的反抗时，他们会认为那是必然的现象，他们仍会彼此信任及接受对方，这是我们今日不太容易做到的。

You see the Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different connotations or emotional emphasis. Misinterpreting each other was very easy. SO when communication problems emerged, they assumed it was just one of those expected misunderstandings and that with a little assistance they would surely understand each other. They experienced a trust and acceptance that we rarely experience today.

 

EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION

 

时至今日，我们仍需翻译者。男女在使用同样的语言时，很少是指同样的意思，譬如女人说：“我觉得你从来没有听我说话。”“从来没有”这样的字眼，女人并不真的当一回事，她只是用来表达她当时的挫折感，而不是把“从来没有”当成实际资料。

Even today we still need translators. Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says "I feel like you never listen," she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she is feeling at the moment. It is not to be taken as if it were factual information.

 

女人采取多种最严重的语法、隐喻和概念化如诗般的语言，来表达、强化她们的感觉。男人却把这种表达当真，因为他们不了解内在意思，因而常不表赞同。

TO fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner.

 

女人采取多种最严重的语法、隐喻和概念化如诗的语言，来表达她们的感觉。

 

下表列出十个女人容易引起误解的抱怨，及男人可能有的不赞同反应。

In the following chart ten complaints easily misinterpreted are fisted, as well as how a man might respond unsupportively.

 

 

常引起误解的抱怨

TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASILY MISINTERPRETED

 

女人的说法　                                              男人的反应．

Women ‑M things like this                             Men respond like this

 

我们从来没出去过。                             不对，上个星期我们才出去过。

"We never go out."                       "That's not true. We went out last week."

 

人家都不注意我。 　                             我相信人家很注意你。．

"Everyone ignores me."            "I'm sure some people notice you."

 

我累得什么事也不能做了                真荒谬，又不是没人帮你。

"I am so fired, I can't do anything.,'            "That's ridiculous. You are not he~"

 

我想把所有事都忘得一干二净。        如果你不喜欢你的工作，就辞职算了。

"I want to forget everything."              "If you don't like your Job, then  quit."

 

房间里老是乱七八糟。                              不是“老是”乱七八糟。

"The house is always a mess."             "It's not always a mess."

 

再也没人要听我说话了。                           我正在听你说话啊！

"No one listens to me anymore."          "But I am listening to you right now."

 

没有一件事做得好。                                你是指我做错了吗？

"Nothing is working."                            "Are you saying it is my fault?"

 

你不再爱我了。                                        我当然爱你，不然怎会跟你在一起。

"You don't love me anymore."              "Of course I do. That's why I'm here."

 

我们老是匆匆忙忙。                                才没有，这个星期五，我们很轻松呀！

"We are always in a hurry."              "We are not. Friday we were relaxed. "

 

我想浪漫一点。                                           你是说我不浪漫吗？

"I want more romance."            "Are you saying I am not romantic?"

 

 

你看女人所使用的“字面”意思，多容易误导习惯于陈述事实和资料的男人。我们也看到男人的反应可能会引起争论。两性关系中，不清楚和没有爱心的沟通是最大的问题，即使常被男人误解，女人最常见的抱怨仍是：“你没在听我说话。”

You can see how a "literal" translation of a woman's words could easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. We can also see how a man's responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships. The number one complaint women have in relationships is: "I don't feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted!

 

即使常被男人误解，女人最常见的抱怨仍是：“你没在听我说风话。”

 

男人对“你没在听我说话”的字面解释，使他与她的感觉发生了争论，他以为只要他能重复她说的话，就能证明他在听，因此男人对于女人说“你没在听我说话”的正确解释应该是：“我觉得你没有真的了解我说的意思，或根本不在乎我的感觉，你能告诉我你对我刚才讲的哪部分最有兴趣？”

A man's literal translation of "I don't feel heard" leads him to invalidate and argue with her feelings. He thinks he has heard her if he can repeat what she has said. A translation of a woman saying "I don't feel heard" so that a man could correctly Interpret it is: ‑I feel as though you don't fully understand what I really mean to say or care about how I feel. Would you show me that you are interested in what I have to say?"

 

如果男人能了解女人抱怨背后的渴望，他就能减少和女人争论，改为积极回应。男女争论时，通常会误解彼此的意思，此时最重要的是再仔细想清楚，或把他们所听到的再翻译一遍。

If a man really understood her complaint then he would argue less and be able to respond more positively. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally m isunderstanding

each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate whatthey have heard.

 

男人因不了解女人不同的表达方式，而不适当的判断或否定配偶的感觉，因而导致了争论，能透过正确了解来避免许多争论，因倾听时解读的不同而引起任何的抗拒感，不妨参考“金星人／火星人语法辞典”来寻求正确的解释。

Because many men don't understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner's feelings. This leads to arguments. The ancient Martians learned to avoid many arguments through correct understanding. Whenever listening stirred up some resistance, they consulted their Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary for a correct interpretation.

 

 

金星人说话时

WHEN VENUSIANS TALK

 

以下包含已遗失的“金星人／火星人语法辞典”里对各个句子不同的解释，翻译上面所列的十个抱怨，好让男人能了解她们真正的内在意思，也包含了她希望他如何反应的暗示。

The following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary. Each of the ten complaints listed above is translated so that a man can understand their real and intended meaning. Each translation also contains a hint of how she wants him to respond.

 

你看，当金星人难过时，她不只是用概念语言，她也在寻找特别的支持，但她不会直接开口要求支持，因为金星上的每一个人都知道，每一种戏剧性用语都暗示着某种特殊的要求。

You see, when a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support. She doesn't directly ask for that support because on Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request.

 

语句经过翻译后都泄露了被隐藏的要求，如果男人倾听女人时，都能辨识出暗示的要求，应要求而反应，她必然会觉得有被倾听与被爱的感觉。

In each of the translations this hidden request for support is revealed. If a man listening to a woman can recognize the implied request and respond accordingly, she will feel truly heard and loved.

 

 

金星人／火星人语法辞典

The Venusian/Martinn Phrase Dictionary

 

F：“我们从来没出去过。”

翻译成火星人可以理解的意思是：“我想要出去，一起做些事。我喜欢和你在一起，我们在一起时总是很快乐，你认为呢？你要不要带我出去吃饭？我们已经有几天没出去了。”

"We never go out" translated into Martian means "I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we went out."

 

若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“我们从来没出去过。”时，男人可能会听成：“你没有做你该做的事，多令人失望。我们再也没有一起做些事了，因为你懒惰、没情调、枯燥乏味。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "We never go out" a man may hear "You are not doing your job. What a disappointment you have turned out to be. We never do anything together anymore because you are lazy, unromantic, and just boring."

 

F：“人家都不注意裁。”

翻译成火星人可以理解的意思是：“今天我觉得被忽视和不被了解，好像没人看我。当然，看我的人也是有的，只是他们好像不在乎我。我想我对你最近的忙碌感到失望。你对工作的认真我虽然感激，但有时觉得我对你而言一点也不重要。我担心你把工作看得比我重要。你能抱着我，告诉我，我对你有多特别吗？”

"Everyone ignores me" translated into Martian means "Today, I am feeling ignored and unacknowledged. I feel as though nobody sees me. Of course I'm sure some people see me, but they don't seem to care about me. I suppose I am also disappointed that you have been so busy lately. I really do appreciate how hard you are working and sometimes I start to feel like I am not important to you. I am afraid your work is more important than me. Would you give me a hug and tell me how special I am to you?"

 

若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“人家都不注意我。”时，男人可能会听成：“我很不快乐，得不到别人的注意，每件事都没希望，连你也不注意我，你应该是最爱我的人，但一点也没爱心，你不觉得羞耻吗？我从来没有这样忽略你。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "Everyone ignores me" a man may hear "I am so unhappy. I just can't get the attention I need. Everything is completely hopeless. Even you don't notice me, and you are the person who is supposed to love me. You should be ashamed. You are so unloving. I would never ignore you this way."

 

　　F：“我累得什么事也不能做了。”

翻译成火星人希望听到的意思是：“我今天做太多了。在做其他事以前，我需要休息。我很幸运，有你支持。你可不可以抱着我，再夸奖我做得很好，并说我应该休息。”

"I am so tired, I can't do anything" translated into Martian means "I have been doing so much today. I really need a rest before I can do anything more. I am so lucky to have your support. Would you give me a hug and reassure me that I am doing a good Job and that I deserve a rest?"

 

若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“我累得什么事也不能做。”时，男人可能听成：“我做每件事，你却什么也不做，你应该多做点，我无法全部事情一手包办。我觉得很绝望，我要的是与一个“真正的男人”生活。选择你真是天大的错误。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "I am so tired, I can't do anything" a man may hear "I do everything and you do

nothing. You should do more. I can't do it all. I feel so hopeless. I want a 'real man' to live with. Picking you was a big mistake."

 

F：“我想把所有事都忘得一干二净。”

翻译成火星人能懂的表达应该是：“我要你知道我爱我的工作和生活，但是今天我很慌乱。在我再次负起责任之前，我想做些能真正滋养出自的事。你可以问我出了什么事，然后安静地听我说别提供意见好吗？我只是要你了解我面临的压力，那会使我好过很多，帮助我轻松。明天，我就能再对事情负起责任。”

"I want to forget everything" translated into Martian means "I want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. I would love to do something really nurturing for myself before I have to be responsible again. Would you ask me 'What's the matter?' and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? I just want to feel you understanding the pressures I feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax. Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things."

 

若没这样翻译，当女人说：“我想把所有事都忘得一干二净。”时，男人可能会听成：“我得做这么多我不愿意做的事，和你在一起，我一点也不快乐。我要一个可令我生命更丰富的伴侣，你十分不称职。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "I want to forget everything" a man may hear "I have to do so much that I don't want to do. I am so unhappy with you and our relationship. I want a better partner who can make my life more fulfilling. You are doing a terrible job."

 

　　F：“房间里老是乱七八糟。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“我今天想轻松一下，房里却这么乱，我感到挫折，想休息一下，希望你别期望我打扫房子。你同意这房子稍微乱一点，或愿帮忙清理一部分吗？”

"This house is always a mess" translated into Martian means "Today I feel like relaxing, but the house is so

messy. I am frustrated and I need a rest. I hope you don't expect me to clean it all up. Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up part of it?"

 

若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“房里老是乱七八糟。”时，男人可能听成：“这房子因为你才变成乱七八糟，我尽所能地打扫，还没扫干净，你就又把它弄得一塌糊涂，你更是邋遢懒惰，我不要和你住在一起，除非你改变。看你是要清扫房子或自己扫地出门。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "This house is always a mess" a man may hear "This house is a mess because of you. I do everything possible to clean it up, and before I have finished, you have messed it up again. You are a lazy slob and I don't want to live with you unless you change. Clean up or clear out!

 

　　F：“再也没人要听我说话了。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“我恐怕让你感到枯燥乏味了，我怕你对我再也没有兴趣了。我今天似乎特别敏感，你可以给我一些特别的注意吗？我今天真难过，觉得好像没有人要听我说话。你会倾听我、继续问我一些支持性的问题吗？像是：。今天发生了什么事？还发生了哪些事？你觉得怎样？你想要什么？你还有其他感受吗？”同时说些关心、了解、安慰的话来支持我，像是：“多说一点。”“你说得对。”“我知道你的意思。”“我了解。”或者只是倾听，在我停顿时偶尔说：“哦。”“嗯。”“哼。”“喔。””(火星人抵达金星前仿佛未听过这些声音)。

"No one listens to me anymore" translated into Martian means "I am afraid I am boring to you. I am

afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? I would love it. I've had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what I have to say."Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: 'What happened today? What else happened? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?' Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging, and reassuring statements such as: 'Tell me more' or 'That's right' or 'I know what you mean' or 'I understand.' Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: 'oh,"humph,"uh‑huh,' and 'hmmm."' (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)

 

若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“再也没人要听我说话了。”时，男人可能听成：“我时常注意你，但你总是不肯听我说话，你变成一个枯燥乏味的人了，我需要的是能放松、有兴味的人，你已经不是了，你令我失望，既自私又漠不关心。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "No one listens to me anymore" he may hear "I give you my attention but you don't listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitely not that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring, and bad."

 

　　F:“没有一件事做得好。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“我今天很慌乱，但很高兴能与你分享我的感觉，让我舒服些。我今天好像没有一件事做得好，我知道这并非实情，但当我被所有我做的事搞得乱七八糟时，我就是这么想。你能抱着我，告诉我，我做得很好吗？这真的会让我好过一点。”

"Nothing is working" translated into Martian means "Today I am so overwhelmed and I am so grateful that I can share my feelings with you. It helps me so much to feel better. Today it seems like nothing I do works. I know that this is not true, but I sure feel that way when I get so overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do. Would you give me a hug and tell me that I am doing a great job. It would sure feel good."

 

若没这样翻译，当女人说：“没有一件事做得好。”时，男人可能听成：“你从没做对事，我不信任你，我若不是听了你的话，也不会搞得一团糟，别的男人可能可以好好解决事情，你只会愈弄愈糟。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "Nothing is working" a man may hear "You never do anything right. I can't trust you. If I hadn't listened to you I wouldn't be in this mess. Another man would have fixed things, but you made them worse."

 

　　F：“你不再爱我了。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“我今天觉得你好像不爱我了，我怕是我把你推开了，我知道你真的爱我，为我做了许多事。我今天就是没有安全感，你能再确定你爱我，并说出这奇妙的三个字吗？你若这么说，我会觉得很舒服。”

"You don't love me anymore" translated into Martian means "Today I am feeling as though you don't love me. I am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today I am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good."

 

若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“你不再爱我了。”时，男人可能听成：“我给了你我生命中最好的时光，你却什么也没给我，你在利用我，你既自私又冷酷，你只为了自己做你要做的事，不关心任何人。我真笨才会爱上你。现在我已经一无所有了。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "You don't love me anymore" a man may hear "I have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing. You used me. You are selfish and cold. You do what you want to do, for you and only you. You do not care about anybody. I was a fool for loving you. Now I have nothing."

 

　　F：“我们老是匆匆忙忙。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“我觉得今天很匆忙，我不喜欢匆忙，我希望我们的生命不要这么忙碌，我知道这不是谁的错，我也不是责备你，你已尽力让我们准时，我很感激你的关心。你能和我感同身受，并说：“我们老是匆忙，我也不喜欢匆忙。”吗？”

"We are always in a hurry" translated into Martian means "I feel so rushed today. I don't like rushing. I wish our life was not so hurried. I know it is nobody's fault and I certainly don't blame you. I know you are doing your best to get us there on time and I really appreciate how much you care.

"Would you empathize with me and say something like, 'It is hard always rushing around. I don't always like rushing either.`

 

若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“我们老是匆匆忙忙。”时，男人可能听成：“你没一点责任感，你都等到最后一分钟才肯做事，我和你在一起从没快乐过。为了避免迟到，我们总是匆匆忙忙，我和你在一起时，你每次都把事情搞砸，你不在身边我最快乐了。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "We are always in a hurry" a man may hear "You are so irresponsible. You wait until the last minute to do everything. I can never be happy when I am with you. We are always rushing to avoid being late. You ruin things every time I am with you. I am so much happier when I am not around you."

 

　　F：“我想浪漫一点。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“甜心，你最近工作得很辛苦，让我们为了自己休息休息，我喜欢没工作压力又没小孩在身边时的轻松感。你很浪漫，可不可以有时候送我花让我惊奇一下，并带我出去约会？我喜欢浪漫。”

"I want more romance" translated into Martian means "Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately. Lees take some time out for ourselves. I love it when we can relax and be alone without the kids around and no work pressures. You are so romantic. Would you surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? I love being romanced."

 

若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“我想浪漫一点。”时，男人可能听成：“你不再令我满意，也不能令我欢心了，你的浪漫技巧不足，你从没满足我，我希望你更像我以前认识的男人。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "I want more romance" a man may hear "You don't satisfy me anymore. I am not turned on to you. Your romantic skills are definitely inadequate. You have never really fulfilled me. I wish you were more like other men I have been with."

 

使用几年这个字典后，男人一觉得被骂或批评时，就不必每次都查字典，他自然会了解女人的想法和感觉，知道这些戏剧性的语言不可当真，而只是女人表达感觉的方法。

After using this dictionary for a few years, a man doesn't need to pick it up each time he feels blamed or criticized. He begins to understand the way women think and feel. He learns that these kinds of dramatic phrases are not to be taken literally. They are just the way women express feeling more fully. That's the way it was done on Venus and people from Mars need to remember that!

 

 

火星人不说话时

WHEN MARTIANS DON'T TALK

 

男人的最大挑战之一是，女人在谈论她的问题时，能够正确解读正确含义及支持她；女人的最大挑战是，男人不说话时，能够正确解读及支持他。女人最容易误解沉默。女人的最大挑战是，男人不说话时，能够正确解读及支持他。

One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn't talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women.

 

男人常常会停止沟通，变得沉默，但在金星上从没听过这样的事，女人首先想到的是男人聋了，她以为他可能没听到人家谈的话，以致没有回答。

Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of on Venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf. She thinks that maybe he doesn't hear what's being said and that is why he is not responding.

 

男人和女人思考及处理资讯的方法差异甚大。女人把想法说出来，与有兴趣的听众分享她发现内在的过程，甚至今日女人也仍然透过纯粹谈天，发现她要说的内容。这种让想法自由流畅和勇敢表达的过程中，帮助她们进入直觉，有时这方法是十分普遍和特别需要的。

You see men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman often discovers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes.

 

男人处理资料的态度却十分不同。他们在谈论或回答之前，就先慎思熟虑一番，或思考他们所听到或经历过的。透过内在思考与沉默，他们找出最正确或有用的回答。他们先在心里衡量规画之后才会表达出来。这过程可能要花上数分钟到数小时。如果他没有足够的资料来帮助他产生答案时，他可能无法全部回答，而这更令女人感到困惑。

But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently "mull over" or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it. This process could take from minutes to hours. And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all.

 

当男人沉默时，女人必须了解他说的是：“我还不知道怎么说，但我正在想。”而不是说：“我不要回答，因为我不在乎你，我要忽视你。你对我说的都不重要，所以我不要回答。”

Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying "I don't know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it." Instead what they hear is "I am not responding to you because I don't care about you and I am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding."

 

 

她如何回应他的沉默

Now She Reacts to His Silence

 

女人常误解男人的沉默。若她那天心情不好，可能就会把情况想得很糟“他讨厌我，他不爱我，他永远离开我了。”然后可能触发恐惧：“我怕他一拒绝我就不再爱我了，我不值得被爱。”

Women misinterpret a man's silence. Depending on how she is feeling that day she may begin to imagine the very worst‑"He hates me, he doesn't love me, he is leaving me forever." This may then trigger her deepest fear, which is "I am afraid that if he rejects me then I will never be loved. I don't deserve to be loved."

 

男人一沉默，女人就容易把情况想得很糟糕，因为女人唯一沉默的时候是她说出去的话令自己受了伤害，或是她不想和不信任的人说话，不愿和他有何瓜葛。男人突然沉默，女人就缺乏安全感，这是一点也不稀奇的事。

When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn't want to talk to a person because she didn't trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with hirn. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet!

 

男人一沉默，女人就容易把情况想得很糟糕。

 

当一个女人听另一个女人讲话时，她会让讲话者知道她正关心地听着，当讲话者停顿时，这女性听者会直觉地回答让讲话者安心的声音，像是：“哦、哼、嗯、啊、喔：…．等。”

When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she is listening and that she cares. Instinctively when the speaker pauses the female listener will reassure the speaker by making reassuring responses like "oh, uh‑huh, hmmm, ah, ah‑ha, or humph."

 

男人若不做这些可令对方安心的回应，他的沉默可能就会对女人造成十分严重的威胁。当然，女人透过了解男人的洞穴，就可以正确学到男人沉默的含义，而得以做适当的回应。

Without these reassuring responses, a man's silence can be very threatening. Through understanding a man's cave, women can learn to interpret a man's silence correctly, and to respond to it.

 

 

了解洞穴的存在

Understanding the Cove

 

在两性关系真正相融之前，女人必须多学习了解男人。她们必须知道，当男人难过或感受压力时，会自动停止谈话，去他们的“洞穴”寻找解答;她们必须知道，即使是他最好的朋友也不能进入洞穴，这是火星上处理压力的方式。女人不必害怕是她们做错了什么事，只要逐渐学习了解，让男人进入洞穴，一段时间后，他出自然会出来，一切都会没问题的。

Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his "cave" to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man's best friends. This was the way it was on Mars. Women should not become scared that they have done something terribly wrong. They need gradually to learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine.

 

这个学习课程对女人而言十分困难，因为金星上的黄金定律之一是，从不遗弃难过的朋友。当她最心爱的火星人难过时，遗弃他似乎是没有爱心的行为，她会因关心他而想进入他的洞穴帮忙。

This lesson is difficult for women because on Venus one of the golden rules was never to abandon a friend when she was upset. It just doesn't seem loving to abandon her favorite Martian when he is upset. Because she cares for him, a woman wants to come into his cave and offer him help.

 

另外，她误以为如果她能问一堆和他感觉有关的问题，成为他的好听众，他就会感到舒服一点，但这样做其实只会让火星人更难过。她直觉地想以她希望被支持的方式支持他，用意虽好，但却适得其反。

In addition, she often mistakenly assumes that if she could ask him lots of questions about how he is feeling and he a good listener, then he would feel better. This only upsets Martians more. She instinctively wants to support hirn in the way that she would want to be supported. Her intentions are good, but the outcome is counterproductive.

 

男人和女人都得停止提供他们自以为是的方法，去学习他们伴侣的思想、感觉及反应的方式。

Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react.

 

 

男人为何进入洞穴中

Why Men 66 bite Their C~

 

有许多理由会使男人进入洞穴或变得沉默：

　　一、他需要思考一个问题，并寻求这个问题的答案。

　　二、他对问题没有答案。男人从来不会说：“哎呀！我没有答案，我需要到我的洞穴去找。”当他沉默时，别的男人会以为他只是没答案。

　　三、他难过或感到压力时。此时，他必须独处冷静下来发现重新掌握的方法。他不愿做或说会令他后悔的事。

四、他需要寻找自我。当男人恋爱时，这四个理由便显得非常重要。他们有时会迷失或者忘记自己，感觉到过度的亲热剥夺了他们的力量。他们需要调节他们所拥有的亲密关系。不管何时，只要因太亲密而迷失自己时，警钤一响，他们便往洞穴去，结果总能恢复活力，再次寻找到爱与力量。

Men go into their caves or become quiet for a variety of reasons.

I. He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution to the problem.

2. He doesn't have an answer to a question or a problem. Men were never taught to say "Gee, I don't have an answer. I need to go into my cave and find one." Other men assume he is doing just that when he becomes quiet.

3. He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his control again. He doesn't want to do or say anything he might regret.

4. He needs to find himself. This fourth reason becomes very important when men are in love. At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs them of their power. They need to regulate how close they get. Whenever they get too close so as to lose themselves, alarm bells go off and they are on their way into the cave. As a result they are rejuvenated and find their loving and powerful self again.