The History of John Bull
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in my case and in my age impossible; the kindest wish of my friends
is euthanasia." He died in 1735.
AUTHOR'S PREFACE.
When I was first called to the office of historiographer to John
Bull, he expressed himself to this purpose:--"Sir Humphrey
Polesworth,* I know you are a plain dealer; it is for that reason I
have chosen you for this important trust; speak the truth and spare
not." That I might fulfil those his honourable intentions, I
obtained leave to repair to, and attend him in his most secret
retirements; and I put the journals of all transactions into a
strong box, to be opened at a fitting occasion, after the manner of
the historiographers of some eastern monarchs: this I thought was
the safest way; though I declare I was never afraid to be chopped**
by my master for telling of truth. It is from those journals that
my memoirs are compiled: therefore let not posterity a thousand
years hence look for truth in the voluminous annals of pedants, who
are entirely ignorant of the secret springs of great actions; if
they do, let me tell them they will be nebused.***
* A Member of Parliament, eminent for a certain cant in his
conversation, of which there is a good deal in this book.
** A cant word of Sir Humphrey's.
*** Another cant word, signifying deceived.
With incredible pains have I endeavoured to copy the several
beauties of the ancient and modern historians; the impartial temper
of Herodotus, the gravity, austerity, and strict morals of
Thucydides, the extensive knowledge of Xenophon, the sublimity and
grandeur of Titus Livius; and to avoid the careless style of
Polybius, I have borrowed considerable ornaments from Dionysius
Halicarnasseus, and Diodorus Siculus. The specious gilding of
Tacitus I have endeavoured to shun. Mariana, Davila, and Fra.
Paulo, are those amongst the moderns whom I thought most worthy of
imitation; but I cannot be so disingenuous, as not to own the
infinite obligations I have to the "Pilgrim's Progress" of John
Bunyan, and the "Tenter Belly" of the Reverend Joseph Hall.
From such encouragement and helps, it is easy to guess to what a
degree of perfection I might have brought this great work, had it
not been nipped in the bud by some illiterate people in both Houses
of Parliament, who envying the great figure I was to make in future
ages, under pretence of raising money for the war,* have padlocked
all those very pens that were to celebrate the actions of their
heroes, by silencing at once the whole university of Grub Street. I
am persuaded that nothing but the prospect of an approaching peace
could have encouraged them to make so bold a step. But suffer me,
in the name of the rest of the matriculates of that famous
university, to ask them some plain questions: Do they think that
peace will bring along with it the golden age? Will there be never
a dying speech of a traitor? Are Cethegus and Catiline turned so
tame, that there will be no opportunity to cry about the streets, "A
Dangerous Plot?" Will peace bring such plenty that no gentleman
will have occasion to go upon the highway, or break into a house? I
am sorry that the world should be so much imposed upon by the dreams
of a false prophet, as to imagine the Millennium is at hand. O Grub
Street! thou fruitful nursery of towering geniuses! How do I lament
thy downfall? Thy ruin could never be meditated by any who meant
well to English liberty. No modern lyceum will ever equal thy
glory: whether in soft pastorals thou didst sing the flames of
pampered apprentices and coy cook maids; or mournful ditties of
departing lovers; or if to Maeonian strains thou raisedst thy voice,
to record the stratagems, the arduous exploits, and the nocturnal
scalade of needy heroes, the terror of your peaceful citizens,
describing the powerful Betty or the artful Picklock, or the secret
caverns and grottoes of Vulcan sweating at his forge, and stamping
the queen's image on viler metals which he retails for beef and pots
of ale; or if thou wert content in simple narrative, to relate the
cruel acts of implacable revenge, or the complaint of ravished
virgins blushing to tell their adventures before the listening crowd
of city damsels, whilst in thy faithful history thou intermingledst
the gravest counsels and the purest morals. Nor less acute and
piercing wert thou in thy search and pompous descriptions of the
works of nature; whether in proper and emphatic terms thou didst
paint the blazing comet's fiery tail, the stupendous force of
dreadful thunder and earthquakes, and the unrelenting inundations.
Sometimes, with Machiavelian sagacity, thou unravelledst intrigues
of state, and the traitorous conspiracies of rebels, giving wise
counsel to monarchs. How didst thou move our terror and our pity
with thy passionate scenes between Jack Catch and the heroes of the
Old Bailey? How didst thou describe their intrepid march up Holborn
Hill? Nor didst thou shine less in thy&nbs
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