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一位厌食症女孩的康复日记:不要盲目节食减肥

kira86 于2019-05-27发布 l 已有人浏览
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身材很匀称的姑娘执意要减肥,却因盲目节食而患上厌食症,从此走上了漫长的10年康复之路。
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Diary of an Anorexic

一个厌食症女孩的日记

(By Christy Heitger-Casbon)

(克里斯蒂·黑格-卡斯本)

My Struggle Begins (Ages 12 and 13)

我的减肥之战开始了(12~13岁)

February 15,1986

·1986年2月15日

I'm so gross ! I don't know how anyone stands to look at me. All the skinny girls in my class get the attention and what do I get? I get called a pig! Jason is the worst. I think the reason Jason's comments hurt so much is because I know that is true. I'm a pig. I eat way too often and way too much junk food. Mom says 110 pounds is fine for being 5 feet 3 inches tall, but I think I'm going to try to lose a few pounds just enough so Jason will stop teasing me.

我实在是太胖了!真不知道别人都在用什么样的眼光打量我。班里的那些瘦女孩儿个个都抢眼。而我呢?大家都叫我猪!贾森最差劲了,他的话让我特别伤心。我想就是因为他说的确实没错——我就是一头猪。我总是在吃,而且吃了太多的垃圾食品。妈妈说我一米六的个头重99斤(注:1磅≈0.91斤,下文已换算为斤)挺合适的。可我还是想减掉几斤。只要贾森不再取笑我就行。

April 15

·4月15日

I'm not doing too bad - six pounds and counting. Another six or eight and I might look OK. I'd love to lose my thunder thighs. Jason doesn't call me an "oinker" anymore, but I think that's only because my teacher told him to stop.

我的减肥战果还不赖——已经瘦了5斤半,并且体重还在下降。如果再减5~7斤,也许我的身材看上去才正常。我真想把一走路就会相撞出声的“象腿”变瘦。贾森不再叫我“小猪”了,不过我认为那是因为老师不让他这么叫的缘故。

43241

·5月21日

I want to learn the caloric content in everything. I wonder how many calories are in licking a postage stamp. Do vitamins have calories? I know a stick of gum has 10, but if I were to chew gum instead of eating lunch, I'd come out ahead.

我想知道所有东西的卡路里含量。比如,舔一张邮票的背面会摄入多少卡热量?维生素含有卡路里吗?我知道一条口香糖含有10卡热量,不过我要是不吃午饭,只嚼口香糖,那样绝对可以瘦更多。

43252

·6月1日

I've lost 17 pounds. I think mom's trying to trick me into eating more calories, but I'm the one who's tricking her! When I get to school, I throw my lunch away. Then, while my friends scarf down their fat-filled lunches, I spend 30 minutes walking the halls. So not only do I resist consuming calories, I actually burn some! I'd love to be all skinny, pretty and tan at the end of the summer. All my friends would be blown away !

我已经减了15斤。我觉得妈妈开始哄骗我摄取更多的热量,其实,她才被我骗了呢!我一到学校就把午饭扔掉了,于是,当我的朋友们在大口大口吃着富含脂肪的午餐时,我却在走廊里散步半个小时。就这样,我不仅抵制住了摄取热量的诱惑,而且还消耗了一些热量呢!我要在夏天结束前变得骨感又漂亮,并且把皮肤晒成棕褐色。所有的朋友一定都会为我的样子惊叹!

43296

·7月15日

I'm having a hard time getting a tan, because I'm always wrapped in a sweatshirt and blanket. I'm sick of being cold all of the time. It was 31℃ today, but I couldn't warm up. I'm tired a lot, too, and I'm constantly napping. But at least when I'm asleep, I'm not thinking about food.

想要晒成棕褐色很困难,因为我老裹着运动衫和毛毯,我总是觉得冷,这真让我烦透了。今天的气温有31℃,可我身上就是暖和不起来。我还感觉特别累,老是打瞌睡,不过,至少我睡着的时候不会想吃东西。

43317

·8月5号

Today Mom asked me if I knew what anorexia nervosa is. She and Dad think I have it. That's crazy. Yes, I eat less now, but so what? Why do they have to criticize me for it? I get good grades. I try to make them happy. Why can't they let me have this one thing? Why do they have to control what I eat?

今天妈妈问我知不知道“神经性厌食症”,她和爸爸认为我得了厌食症。他们这么想简直就是疯了。没错,我现在吃得少了点,可这又有什么不对?为什么非要为这件事批评我?我努力考出好成绩,并设法让他们高兴,可为什么他们对我仅有的这点自由都要强加干涉?为什么我连吃东西都要受控制?

43336

·8月24日

OK. I wouldn't admit this to Mom and Dad, but I'm scared. Today Jason asked what kind of funky lipstick I had on, but I wasn't wearing any. He said my lips were completely white. When I stood up in church to sing a hymn, I blacked out. My eyes were open, but all I could see was darkness, and I fell back into the pew.

好吧。我想我害怕了,虽然我不愿跟爸妈承认这点。今天贾森问我涂的是什么稀奇古怪的唇膏,但我什么都没涂。他说我的嘴唇全白了。在教堂里,当我站起来唱赞美诗时,眼前突然漆黑一片,我的双眼是睁着的,可是却只能看到黑暗,随后,我倒在了身后的长凳上。

A Slow Recovery (Age 13)

缓慢的康复(13岁)

August 25,1986

·1986年8月25日

I'm being admitted into an Indianapolis hospital tomorrow. I'll be missing some school, and it's lonely in the hospital. But Dr. Kirby says I have no choice. I weigh 73 pounds.

明天我就要去印第安纳波利斯的一家医院接受治疗了。我会有一段时间无法上学,在医院里一定很孤单。不过柯比医生说我别无选择。因为,我的体重只有66斤了。

43344

·9月1日

I don't like my attending physician, Dr. Richards. He seems like a head case. He says any one of my major organs could give out at any moment - heart, lungs, kidneys. I thought he was exaggerating , but when he threatened to hook me up to an IV if I didn't gain weight, I figured he meant business.

我不喜欢我的主治医师理查兹医生。他看起来像个精神病患者。理查兹医生说我身体的任何一个主要脏器都随时可能会衰竭——心、肺和肾,我觉得他只是在夸大其词罢了。当他威胁说要是我不增加体重就会给我做静脉治疗时,我寻思他是认真的。

43403

·10月30日

Right now, I weigh 90 pounds, and it's all I can do to down a couple pieces of pizza. I admit, I feel stronger and more energetic than I have in months. I'm not lightheaded now that I eat six small meals a day. And I no longer have to dress in three layers of clothing to stay warm. I guess my body fat is good for something.

我现在重81斤了,我能做的就是吃下几片比萨饼。我承认,我感觉比前几个月结实多了,精力更充沛了,头也不晕了。一天进食六次,做到少食多餐,我再也不用穿三层衣服来保暖了。看来体内的脂肪还是有用处的。

43423

·11月19日

Ninety-two pounds - that sounds pretty scary. The scariest will be when I top the big 100. As long as I gain steadily, Dr. Richards says I don't have to go back to the hospital.

.83斤了——这听起来还挺吓人。不过等我胖到90斤那才最吓人呢。随着我体重的稳步增长,理查兹医生说,我不用返院治疗了。

Throughout this nightmare, Mom and Dad have been so supportive. I used to feel like everyone was against me, but now I can see that Mom and Dad are on my side. I knew they always were, but when I was starving myself, I couldn't see things clearly. Oh, guess what. Jason bought me roses as an I'm-proud-of-you type thing. It's definitely abnormal for a 16-year-old boy to spend $50 on his classmate! But that meant so much to me. Smelling those flowers makes me feel genuinely happy - something I haven't felt in a really long time.

这段经历不啻一场噩梦,妈妈和爸爸一直在支持着我。过去,我觉得人人都跟我对着干,现在我明白了,妈妈爸爸都是为了我好。我知道他们一直心疼我,可当初我却被节食蒙蔽了双眼。对了,猜猜怎么了?贾森给我买了玫瑰,表示他为我感到骄傲。一个16岁的男孩子,为了同学破费50美元,这太不同寻常了!不过这对我来说太重要了。闻着玫瑰花的芬芳,我感到发自内心的幸福——一种久违的感觉。

43430

·11月26日

Jill stopped by today, and she said I looked "awesome." That made me feel good - to know that I could actually gain 20 pounds and still be told I look good. Now I see that being attractive isn't so much about being a low weight - it's about being a healthy weight. And that's what I really want - to be healthy and happy!

吉尔今天顺路来看我,她说我看上去“漂亮极了”。这话太让我开心了——要知道,我体重增加了18斤,竟然还有人说我漂亮。现在我明白了,漂亮并非是体重轻——而是要有健康的体重。这也是我真正想要的——健康和快乐!

Recovery (Age 23)

痊愈(23岁)

December 6,1996

·1996年12月6日

Today I stumbled across a horrifying picture taken during the summer of 1986, and a flood of bad memories came rushing back. Mom still gets teary when my anorexic days are mentioned, and Dad recalls the summer and fall of 1986 as the "darkest days" of his life. He says that the week before I was admitted into the hospital, he found me on the couch in the living room. As he looked at my frail, skeletal body, a chill shot up his spine. He told me I was lying so still and silent, he put his cheek next to my mouth to feel if I was still breathing. He said I looked dead.

今天,我偶然翻到一张1986年夏天的照片,照片上我的样子十分恐怖。顿时,一段段痛苦的回忆如潮水般向我袭来。提到我得厌食症的那段日子,妈妈的眼中仍会泪水涟涟。爸爸说,1986年的夏秋是他一生中“最黑暗的日子”。他说,在我入院前一周,他发现我躺在起居室的沙发上。看着我瘦骨嶙峋的羸弱身躯,他感到一股寒意爬上脊背。爸爸告诉我,当时我躺着,一动不动,悄无声息,他忍不住把脸凑近我的嘴,看我是否仍在呼吸。他说,当时我看上去就像死了一 般。

I'll never forget that.

爸爸的话让我永生难忘。

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