推荐给好友 上一篇 | 下一篇

For one more day. -- Please forgive me. Otherwise, how can I forgive myself?

When I was walking in the library yesterday, didn’t want to study any more, a thought came to my mind, maybe I can find something interesting to read other than these boring textbooks. So I found this one: For one more day.

And after finishing it, I couldn’t stop thinking: mom, please forgive me. Otherwise, how can I forgive myself?

I think I chose to be a daddy’s girl in the age of four or so. Why? He was always nicer to me, right? Never blamed me, never beat me, never forced me to practice piano. But mom? Not so kind. That’s what in my mind and was there for more that thirteen years. I didn’t like the way she forced me to do everything. I didn’t like her to talk about how dad’s family treated her badly. I didn’t like her to talk about money. I didn’t like her to argue with dad. I didn’t like her to say any bad things about dad…. This is me, a coldblooded child, forgotten who had give birth to me.

Mom, please forgive me.

There was a period, not short, in fact, I thought you didn't love me any more. Because I couldn’t do things as good as you expect even though I wanted so badly. You expressed your love in a different way, which I couldn’t understand at that age. I was heart broken when I heard the words from your mouth. I thought I was the poorest girl in the world, whom even her mom did not love her. So I gave up, I didn’t do anything you what me to do, instead, I did all the things you didn’t want. There was hatred growing in my heart. For many times, I shouted at you. And I was such a bad girl. I was thinking of suicide all those days, I was thinking that after my death you would be regret for what you had done to me, and you would never had the chance to be forgiven. How studied!! I was the person who needed to ask for forgiveness.  Thank god I didn’t do so at that time. I do not think I will be as lucky as Chick to have one more day with mom, to get to know all the things I have been misunderstood about you for such long time, all the love that you gave to me no mater how badly I was doing, all the hard times that you had to go through without letting anybody know. And I don’t think I will be as lucky as Chick to come to life again.

As time goes by, I am getting older and so do you. But it is different, one is going to her best ages and the other is leaving. I began to understand you little by little, especially after I left home.   

But I still did wrong things. The October two years ago, I wasn’t with you when you were facing the hardest changing in your life – losing your own mother. I said I was busy with my study. I was lying! I was ashamed of myself. At that time, I was hot blooded with someone I have never seen and who never knew me. I ignored your messages, your calls, even though you said you miss me, you wanted to hear me, I turned away without caring how terrible things had happened to you. Only after three month, I knew I lose my grandma in that October, and I knew I was punished that I would never forgive myself.

This February, when you flew across half of the earth to Singapore, just to see me, I noticed that you were getting old. You needed me to tell you again and again which bus you should take and where to get off. And this May when I was on the plane back home, I couldn’t stop thinking of you, and I couldn’t stop my tears. I was afraid of seeing you getting old, and I did not dare to image things after that. But I was luckier than Chick that I still have time to be with you, I still have time to expiate for things I have done wrong in the past years. I am your dear girl, mom, and I will always be.

p.s. how I wish mom can come and correct my grammar errors. I am sure there are a lot in this passage.