互联网 www.en8848.com.cn
 

英文小说

畅销书| 儿童文学| 世界名著| 奇幻小说| 科幻小说| 侦探小说| 言情小说| 恐怖小说| 励志小说| 名人传记

Tropic of Cancer  北回归线-第七章第四节

And the more substantial, the more solid the core of me became, the more delicate and extravagant appeared the close, palpable reality out of which I was being squeezed. In the measure that I became more and more metallic, in the same measure the scene before my eyes became inflated. The state of tension was so finely drawn now that the introduction of a single foreign particle, even a microscopic particle, as I say, would have shattered everything. For the fraction of a second perhaps I experienced that utter clarity which the epileptic, it is said, is given to know. In that moment I lost completely the illusion of time and space: the world unfurled its drama simultaneously along a meridian which had no axis. In this sort of hair trigger eternity I felt that everything was justified, supremely justified; I felt the wars inside me that had left behind this pulp and wrack; I felt the crimes that were seething here to emerge tomorrow in blatant screamers; I felt the misery that was grinding itself out with pestle and mortar, the long dull misery that dribbles away in dirty handkerchiefs. On the meridian of time there is no injustice: there is only the poetry of motion creating the illusion of truth and drama. If at any moment anywhere one comes face to face with the absolute, that great sympathy which makes men like Gautama and Jesus seem divine freezes away; the monstrous thing is not that men have created roses out of this dung heap, but that, for some reason or other, they should want roses. For some reason or other man looks for the miracle, and to accomplish it he will wade through blood. He will debauch himself with ideas, he will reduce himself to a shadow if for only one second of his life he can close his eyes to the hideousness of reality. Everything is endured – disgrace, humiliation, poverty, war, crime, ennui – in the belief that overnight something will occur, a miracle, which will render life tolerable. And all the while a meter is running inside and there is no hand that can reach in there and shut it off. All the while someone is eating the bread of life and drinking the wine, some dirty fat cockroach of a priest who hides away in the cellar guzzling it, while up above in the light of the street a phantom host touches the lips and the blood is pale as water. And out of the endless torment and misery no miracle comes forth, no microscopic vestige of relief. Only ideas, pale, attenuated ideas which have to be fattened by slaughter; ideas which come forth like bile, like the guts of a pig when the carcass is ripped open.

我的实质越真实,越实在,近在咫尺,看得见摸得着的、把我挤出来的现实也就变得越微妙、越不可捉摸,我越来越固定不变,而我眼前的景物却以同样的程度越来越膨胀。紧张状态达到了无以复加的程度,再加上一丁点儿外力,哪怕是极小的一点也会粉碎一切。在极短的一刹那间,我体验到了那种超然的明晰,据说只有癫痫病人才具有这种洞察力。我完全丧失了时间和空间幻觉,与此同时世界沿着一条没有轴的子午线在上演它的戏。在这转瞬即逝的永恒中我觉得一切都有道理,都是完全顺理成章的,我还体验到将这一团乱七八糟的东西都抛在后面的内心中的激烈思想斗争。我感到罪恶在这里蠢蠢欲动,要在明天大吵大闹地出现。我感到了如在柞臼中被捣碎的苦痛,感到了掩面痛哭的悲痛。在时间的子午线上毫无正义可言,只有创造了真实和戏剧幻党的行动诗篇。无论何时何地,人们一旦同无限的宇宙相遇,那种使释迎牟尼和耶稣显得像神的大慈大悲精神就荡然无存。可怖的事情井非人类从这堆粪中创造出了玫瑰花,而是他们出于这样或那样的原因居然想要玫瑰花。人类出于这样或那样的原因在寻找奇迹,为了达到目的他们不惜从血泊中涉过。他们用各种主义使自己败坏,他们乐意叫自己缩为一个影子—只要一生中有一秒钟可以闭上眼睛回避令人厌恶的现实。丢脸、耻辱、穷困、战争、犯罪、无聊—一切都被忍受着,因为他们坚信一夜之间会发生某种事情,会出现一个使生活变得可以忍受的奇迹。与此同时,人体内有一只仪表在走,没有人能伸手进去关上它。有人在吃生命之面包,饮生命之酒,与此同时有位肮脏、肥蟑螂一样的牧师躲在地下室里大吃大喝,这时地面上的街灯下有一个鬼影似的主人咂咂嘴唇,血像水一样淡。在没完没了的折磨和苦难中没有奇迹出现,甚至连慰藉人的一垦半点都没有。只有思想,苍白无力,必须靠屠杀养肥自己的思想,像胆汁一样产生的思想,像猪的肚子被划开会露出来的内脏。

And so I think what a miracle it would be if this miracle which man attends eternally should turn out to be nothing more than these two enormous turds which the faithful disciple dropped in the bidet. What if at the last moment, when the banquet table is set and the cymbals clash, there should appear suddenly, and wholly without warning, a silver platter on which even the blind could see that there is nothing more, and nothing less, than two enormous lumps of shit. That, I believe would be more miraculous than anything which man has looked forward to. It would be miraculous because it would be undreamed of. It would be more miraculous than even the wildest dream because anybody could imagine the possibility but nobody ever has, and probably nobody ever again will.

于是我想到,假如这个人类永远朝思暮想的奇迹原来什么也不是,只是甘地的这位忠实弟子在坐浴盆里拉的两截粗粗的大便,那将是怎样的一个奇迹埃假如在宴会桌已摆好,吃饭的铃声已响起了最后一刹那,在事先并没有告知大家的情况下一只大银盘突然端上来,连瞎于也可以看到上面不偏不倚、不歪不斜地摆着两截粗粗的大便—我认为这才是最叫人惊叹不已的奇迹,比人们盼望的任何奇迹更刺激。大家都不会预料到,所以说这是叫人惊叹不已的。它又是比最最荒诞的奇思异想更叫人惊叹不己的,因为虽然人人都可能猜到这种可能性,却没有一个人猜中,而且今后也不见得会有人猜中。

Somehow the realization that nothing was to be hoped for had a salutary effect upon me. For weeks and months, for years, in fact, all my life I had been looking forward to something happening, some intrinsic event that would alter my life, and now suddenly, inspired by the absolute hopelessness of everything, I felt relieved, felt as though a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders. At dawn I parted company with the young Hindu, after touching him for a few francs, enough for a room. Walking toward Montparnasse I decided to let myself drift with the tide, to make not the least resistance to fate, no matter in what form it presented itself. Nothing that had happened to me thus far had been sufficient to destroy me; nothing had been destroyed except my illusions. I myself was intact. The world was intact. Tomorrow there might be a revolution, a plague, an earthquake; tomorrow there might not be left a single soul to whom one could turn for sympathy, for aid, for faith. It seemed to me that the great calamity had already manifested itself, that I could be no more truly alone than at this very moment. I made up my mind that I would hold on to nothing, that I would expect nothing, that henceforth I would live as an animal, a beast of prey, a rover, a plunderer. Even if war were declared, and it were my lot to go, I would grab the bayonet and plunge it, plunge it up to the hilt. And if rape were the order of the day then rape I would, and with a vengeance. At this very moment, in the quiet dawn of a new day, was not the earth giddy with crime and distress? Had one single element of man's nature been altered, vitally, fundamentally altered, by the incessant march of history? By what he calls the better part of his nature, man has been betrayed, that is all. At the extreme limits of his spiritual being man finds himself again naked as a savage. When he finds God, as it were, he has been picked clean: he is a skeleton. One must burrow into life again in order to put on flesh. The word must become flesh; the soul thirsts. On whatever crumb my eye fastens, I will pounce and devour. If to live is the paramount thing, then I will live, even if I must become a cannibal. Heretofore I have been trying to save my precious hide, trying to preserve the few pieces of meat that hid my bones. I am done with that. I have reached the limits of endurance. My back is to the wall; I can retreat no further. As far as history goes I am dead. If there is something beyond I shall have to bounce back. I have found God, but he is insufficient. I am only spiritually dead. Physically I am alive. Morally I am free. The world which I have departed is a menagerie. The dawn is breaking on a new world, a jungle world in which the lean spirits roam with sharp claws. If I am a hyena I am a lean and hungry one: I go forth to fatten myself.

不知怎么搞的,意识到没有一件事情是有指望的倒对我产生了有益的影响。多少个星期、多少个月、多少年来,实际上是一辈子,我一直在盼望发生什么事情—会改变我的生活的外来事件。现在,猛然受到样样皆没有指望的事情的启发,我觉得如释重负,觉得肩上一个沉重负担已卸下。黎明时我同这个年轻的印度人分手,事先向他讨了够租一间房的几个法郎。朝蒙帕纳斯走去时我打定主意让自己随波逐流,对命运不做一点儿抵抗,不管它是凶是吉。迄今为止,在我身上发生的一切尚不足以毁灭我,除了我的梦幻,它现在也还不曾毁掉什么。我未受损害,这个世界也未受损害。明天也许会爆发一场革命,出现一场瘟疫,发生一场地震,明天也许不会剩下一个可以向他寻求同情,帮助和信任的人。我认为这场大灾难已经显露出迹象,我再也不会像此时此刻这样真的一人独处。我打定主意什么也不再坚持,什么也不再指望,从今以后我要像牲口一样生活,像一只猛兽,一个流浪汉、一个强盗。即使宣战,我又命中注定要上前线,我也会抓起刺刀去戮,一直戮到刀柄。如果那天的命令是强奸女人,那么我就会不遗余力地去强奸。就在此刻,就在新的一天到来的这宁静黎明之际,这个世界不是充满着罪恶和悲伤吗,可曾有哪一人类天性中的成分被历史无休止的进程所改变,根本地、重大地改变?实情是,人类被他称之为自己天性中较好的那一部分叛卖了,在精神的极限上,人类再次发现自己像野人一样赤裸着身子。可以说,当人类找到上帝时他们自己被剔光了肉,成为一个骨架。为了重新长上肉,他必须再活一遭。”上帝”这个词一定得变成肉,这是灵魂的渴求。不论我的眼睛看到了多么碎的面包屑,我都要猛扑上去把它吞下去。若是活着便是至高无上的,我就活着,哪怕为此一定要成为一个吃人生番也罢。直到现在我一直在设法保住我这宝贵的臭皮囊,保住包着骨头的那几块肉。这种生活该完结了,我已忍到极限,我的背已贴到墙上,无法再后退。就历史的演变来说我已死去,倘若还有什么希望我只好再赶回来。我找到了上帝,但上帝也无济于事。我只是在精神上死了,肉体上仍活着,而在道德上我又是自由的。我已告别世界是一个动物园,黎明正在一个新世界里降临,一个弱肉强食的世界,精瘦的灵魂挥舞锋利的爪子在其中漫游。如果我是一头鬣狗,我准是一只瘦弱,饥饿的鬣狗,我这就出发去喂肥自己。

用户还喜欢

Memoirs Of A Geisha

艺伎回忆录(Memoirs Of A Geisha)

阿瑟.高登[Arthur Golden]

一部爱情童话,一个灰姑娘的故事

点击:

Tropic of Cancer

北回归线(Tropic of Cancer)

亨利.米勒[Henry Miller]

米勒的第一部自传体小说 中英对照

点击:

The Glass Castle

玻璃城堡(The Glass Castle)

珍妮特.沃尔斯[Jeannette Walls]

一部比虚构小说更离奇曲折的真实回忆录

点击:

英语在线小说阅读排行