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Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus--男人来自火星,女人来自金星

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第十一章  尝试沟通困难的感觉

Chapter II  How to Communicate Difficult Feelings

当我们难过、失望、沮丧或生气时,就很难以爱的方式沟通。消极的情感一出现,我们就会倾向立刻失去信任、关心、了解、接受、感激、尊重等爱的感觉,此时,即使出发点很好,谈话也会变成吵架,在这充满火药味的时刻,我们忘了如何以对双方都有效的方式沟通。

When we are upset, disappointed, frustrated, or angry it is difficult to communicate lovingly. When negative emotions come up, we tend momentarily to lose our loving feelings of trust, caring, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, and respect. At such times, even with the best intentions, talking turns into fighting. In the heat of the moment, we do not remember how to communicate in a way that works for our partner or for us.

 

遇上这种情况时,女人会在不知不觉间倾向责骂男人,使他为他的行为感到内疚,女人假设了最坏的情况,口气像批评和气愤,而无视于配偶已尽力而为了。当她的消极感觉波动时,更难以信任、接受、感激的方式说话,她不知道她的态度对她的配偶造成多大的伤害。

At times like these, women unknowingly tend to blame men and make them feel guilty for their actions. Instead of remembering that her partner is doing the best he can, a woman could assume the worst and sound critical and resentful. When she feels a surge of negative feelings, it is especially difficult for a woman to speak in a trusting, accepting, and appreciative way. She doesn't realize how negative and hurtful her attitude is to her partner.

 

男人难过时,倾向责难女人和她的感觉,当他消极感觉波动时,很难以关心、了解、尊重的方式说话,同样的他也不知道他的消极态度对她伤害有多深。

When men become upset, they tend to become judgmental of women and women's feelings. Instead of remembering that his partner is vulnerable and sensitive, a man may forget her needs and sound mean and uncaring. When he feels a surge of negative feelings, it is especially difficult for him to speak in a caring, understand ing, and respectful way. He doesn't realize how hurtful his negative attitude is to her.

 

说话有时是没有效果的,幸好有另一种替代方式以写信给另一半代替口头上与之分享感觉。写信可使你听听自己的感觉,不必担心会伤害另一半。透过自由的表达和倾听自己的感觉,你自然能把自己调整得更具爱心。男人写信会变得更关心、了解和尊重;女人写信则会变得更信任、接受和感激。

These are the times when talking does not work. Fortunately, there is another alternative. Instead of verbally sharing your feelings with your partner, write him or her a letter. writing letters allows you to listen to your own feelings without worrying about hurting your partner. By freely expressing and listening to your own feelings, you automatically become more centered and loving. As men write letters they become more caring, understanding, and respectful; as women write letters they become more trusting, accepting, and appreciative.

 

写出你的消极感觉是测知自己声音多不具爱心的好方法,也可以减轻消极情感的强度,给积极感觉更多复活的空间。调整自己之后,你可以更具爱心的方式和另一半说话一个较少责难或批评的方式。如此,你被了解和被接受的机会将大大提升。

Writing out your negative feelings is an excellent way to become aware of how unloving you may sound. With this greater awareness you can adjust your approach. In addition, by writing out your negative emotions their intensity can be released, making room for positive feelings to be felt again. Having become more centered, you can then go to your partner and speak to him or her in a more loving way‑a way that is less judgmental or blaming. As a result, your chances of being understood and accepted are much greater.

 

写了信后,你可能觉得不需要再谈话了,你可以更愿意为对方做些事。不管你写信是要分享感觉或只是要让自己好过一点,最重要的是,诚实写下感觉。不管你写信是要分享感觉或只是让自己好过一点,最重要的是,诚实写下感觉。

After writing your letter you may no longer feel a need to talk. Instead you could become inspired to do something loving for your partner. Whether you share the feelings in your letter or you just write a letter to feel better, writing down your feelings is an important tool.


  你也可以在心里使用同样的方法。谈话时先抑制自己的情绪,过后在心中回想发生的事,运用你的想像力想像你正在说你的感觉、想法和需求——不要用任何方式矫饰你自己。经由持续的内在对话表达内在最真实的感觉,你会突然摆脱消极的控制。不管你是写下自己的感觉或在心里做对话,你的消极感觉都会变弱,积极感觉会再度出现。情书技巧大大增加了这个过程的力量和效率。写情书的技巧也可只运用在心灵的对话上。

Instead of writing down your feelings you may also choose to do the same process in your mind. Simply refrain from talking and review what happened in your mind. In your imagination imagine You are saying what you feel, think, and want‑without editing yourself in any way. By carrying on an inner dialogue expressing the complete truth about your inner feelings, you will suddenly become free from their negative grip. Whether you write down your feelings or do it mentally, by exploring, feeling, and expressing your negative feelings they loose their power and positive feelings reemerge. The Love Letter Technique increases the power and effectiveness of this process tremendously. Although it is a writing technique, it can also be done mentally as well.

 

THE LOVE LETTER TECHNIQUE

 

情书技巧减轻消极感觉,以爱沟通的最好方式是使用情书技巧。以特殊的方式写出感觉会自动减少负面情感,增加积极的感觉。情书技巧提升了写信流程,以下是情书技巧的三部分。

One of the best ways to release negativity and then communicate in a more loving fashion is to use the Love Letter Technique. Through writing out your feelings in a particular manner, the negative emotions automatically lessen and the positive feelings increase. The Love Letter Technique enhances the letter writing process. There are three aspects or parts to the Love Letter Technique.

 

  一、写一封表达你的气愤、伤心、害怕、后悔和爱的感觉的情书。

  二、写一封表达你想听听另一半说什么的回应信。

三、和另一半分享你的情书和回应信。

I. Write a Love Letter expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love.

2. Write a Response Utter expressing what you want to hear from your partner.

3. Share your Love Letter and Response Letter with your partner.

 

情书技巧很有弹性。你可以选择以上三部分或其中一部分,例如为了更能调整自己、更具爱心,然后心平气和对另一半说话,你可以练习第一部分和第二部分。

The Love Letter Technique is quite flexible. You may choose to do all three steps, or you may only need to do one or two of them. For example, you might practice steps one and two in order to feel more centered and loving and then have a verbal conversation with your partner without being overwhelmed with resentment or blame. At other times you may choose to do all three steps and share your Love Letter and Response Letter with your partner.

 

三部分都做,对你们两人则是有治疗力量的经验,但有时会显得太耗时间或不适当。有些情况下,最有力的技巧是第一部分,让我们探讨该如何写情书。

To do all three steps is a powerful and healing experience for both of you. However sometimes doing all three steps is too time consuming or inappropriate. In some situations, the most powerful

technique is to do just step one and write a Love Letter. Let's explore a few examples of how to write a Love Letter.

 

步骤一:写情书

STEP I: writing A LOVE LETTER

 

找个安静的地方写封情书,每封情书都表达你的愤怒、悲伤、恐惧、后悔与爱的感觉。这个方法使你能够充分表达和了解你所有的感觉,以致能够以更有爱心的方式与对方沟通。

To write a Love Letter, find a private spot and write a letter to your partner. In each Love Letter express your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and then love. This format allows you fully to express and understand all your feelings. As a result of understanding all your feelings you will then be able to communicate to your partner in a more loving and centered way.

 

难过时通常会有许多感觉,例如,配偶令你失望时,你可能气他不够敏感,气她不知感激;伤心他只有工作没有你,伤心她不信任你;害怕她不再原谅你,害怕他不像你那样懂得关心。但同时你又爱你的配偶,希望得到配偶的爱与注意。

When we are upset we generally have many feelings at once. For example, when your partner disappoints you, you may feel angry that he is being insensitive, angry that she is being unappreciative; sad that he is so preoccupied with his work, sad that she doesn't seem to trust you; afraid that she will never forgive you, afraid that he doesn't care as much about you; sorry that you are secretly withholding your love from him or her. But at the same time you love that he or she is your partner and you want his or her love and attention.

 

我们通常需要先感受到消极的感觉才能发现爱的感觉,表达了四个层次的消极感觉后(气愤、伤心、害怕、后悔),我们才能真正感受和表达爱的感觉。写情书可自然减少消极感觉,使我们能更完全地经验积极的感觉。写情书的基本指导原则如下:

To find our loving feelings, many times we need first to feel all our negative feelings. After expressing these four levels of negative feelings (anger, sadness, fear, and regret), we can fully feel and express our loving feelings. writing Love Letters automatically lessens the intensity of our negative feelings and allows us to experience more fully our positive feelings. Here are some guidelines for writing a basic Love Letter:

 

  1.读情书给另一半听,假设他正以爱和了解听你读信。

  2.每封信包括五种感觉,先是气愤,再来是伤心、害怕、后悔,最后是爱。

  3.用一些简单明了的句子描述每种感觉,保持五种感觉的句子长度相等。

  4.每写完一种感觉,停一下,让下一个感觉涌上,然后写下那感觉。

  5.爱的感觉没出来以前不要停止写信,耐心地等待爱出现。

6.在信末署名。再想想你需要什么,写入附注。

I. Address the letter to your partner. Pretend that he or she is listening to you with love and understanding.

2. Start with anger, then sadness, then fear, then regret, and then love. Include all five sections in each letter.

3. Write a few sentences about each feeling; keep each section approximately the same length. Speak in simple terms.

4. After each section, pause and notice the next feeling coming up. Write about that feeling.

5. Do not stop your letter until you get to the love. Be patient and wait for the love to come out.

6. Sign your name at the end. Take a few moments to think about what you need or want. Write it in a P.S.

 

为了简化你的信,也许你希望以下面所列的模式来当作写情书的指导:

To simplify writing your letters you may wish to make copies of page 2II to use as a guide in writing your own Love Letters.

 

 In each of the five sections a few helpful lead‑in phrases are included to help you express your feelings. You may use just a few of these phrases or all of them. Generally the most releasing expressions are: I am angry," "I am sad," I am afraid," "I am sorry," "I want," and "I love." However, any phrases that assist you in expressing your feelings will work. It usually takes about twenty minutes to complete a Love Letter.


A Love Letter

  

亲爱的——

Dear              Date

 

我写这封信与你分享我的感觉。

I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you.

 

1.表达气愤

.我不喜欢……

.我觉得沮丧……

.我气…….我觉得困扰……

.我要……

I. For Anger

 I Don't like it...

• I feel frustrated ...

• I am angry that ...

• I feel annoyed ...

* I want...

2.表达伤心

.我感到失望…………

.令我伤心

.我觉得受到伤害……

.我要……

2. For Sadness

I feel di Isa p po i nted...

* I am sad that...

* I feel hurt ...

* I wanted ...

* I want...

3.表达害怕

.我烦恼……

.我害怕……

.我惶恐……

.我不要……

.我要……

3. For Fear

       I worried...

* I am afraid ...

* I feel scared ...

* I do not want...

* I need ...

* I want ...

 

4.表达后悔

.我感到害羞……

.我很抱歉……

.令我羞愧

.我不要……

.我要……

4. For Regret

I Feel embarrassed...

       I am sorry...

       I feel ashamed ...

       I didn't want ...

       I want...

5.表达爱

.我爱……

.我要……

.我了解……

.我原谅……

.我感激……

.我谢谢你……

.我知道……

5. For Love

I Love

       I want...

       I understand ...

       I forgive...

       I appreciate ...

       I thank you for...

       I know...

附注:我希望能听到你的反应。以下有一些典型的情况和简短的情书,可帮助你了解这个技巧。

P.S. The response I would like to hear from you:

Here are some typical situations and some sample Love Letters that will help you understand the technique.

 

与健忘有关的情书

A Love Letter About Forgetfulness

 

汤姆打盹过了头,忘记带女儿去看牙医,他的太太爱莎十分生气,但她不愿意直接以愤怒和否定面对汤姆,接着她坐下来写情书。之后,她能以更接受的方式亲近汤姆。

Samantha, was furious. Instead of confronting Tom with her anger and disapproval, however, she sat down and wrote the following Love Letter. Afterward she was able to approach Tom in a more centered and accepting way.

 

爱莎因写了这封信而不觉得需要教训或拒绝她丈夫。他们那晚没有争论,反而享受了一个愉快的夜晚。下一个星期,汤姆带女儿去看牙医了。

When Tom napped longer than he'd planned and forgot to take his daughter Hayley to the dentist, his wife,

Because she wrote this letter, Samantha did not feel an urge to lecture or reject her husband. Instead of having an argument they enjoyed a loving evening. The next week Tom made sure Hayley got to the dentist.

This is Samantha's Love Letter:

 

这是爱莎的情书:

 

亲爱的汤姆:

Dear Tom,

1.气愤:我很气你忘了,气你睡过头。我恨你每次一打盹就把什么都忘了。我不愿再觉得这件事都是我的责任。你期待我做每一件事,我累了。

I. Anger.. I am furious that you forgot. I am angry that you overslept. I hate it when you take naps and forget everything. I am tired of feeling responsible for everything. You expect me to do everything. I am tired of this.

2.伤心:女儿错过了看牙医的时间使我伤心,你的健忘也让我伤心。我伤心我似乎不能倚赖你,我伤心你把精神都放在工作上,拖着疲惫的身子回家,只留给我一点点时间。你看到我时冷冷淡淡的,让我觉得受到伤害,你的健忘也伤害了我,好像你一点也不在乎我。

2. Sad~ I am sad that Hayley missed ber appointment. I am sad that you forgot. I am sad because I feel like I can't rely on you. I am sad that you have to work so hard. I am sad that you are so tired. I am sad that you have less time for me. I feel hurt when you are not excited to see me. I feel hurt when you forget things. I feel like you don't c‑are.

3.害怕:我害怕我必须做每一件事,我害怕信任你,我害怕你不在乎我,我害怕又要负起责任。我不要什么事都做,我需要你的帮忙,我害怕你不负责任,害怕你工作过度,害怕你劳累生病。

3. Fear.. I am afraid I have to do everything. I am afraid to trust you. I am afraid that you don't care. I am afraid I will have to be responsible next time. I don't want to do everything. I need your help. I am afraid to need you. I am afraid you will never be responsible. I am afraid you are working too hard. I am afraid you may get sick.

4.后悔:你与医生失约令我不好意思,你迟到也令我很为难。我很抱歉凡事要求你,抱歉没有接受你,羞愧没有更爱你。我不要拒绝你。

4. Regret.. I feel embarrassed when you miss appointments. I feel embarrassed when you are late. I am sorry that I am so demanding. I am sorry that I am not more accepting. I feel ashamed that I am not more loving. I don't want to reject you.

5.爱:我爱你,我了解你很累,也知道你在尽力而为,我原谅你的健忘。谢谢你和医生再的时间,谢谢你愿意带女儿去看牙医。我知道你关心我们,我知道你爱我。我人生中有你实在很幸运,我想要和你共度有爱的夜晚。

5. Love. I love you. I understand that you were tired. You work so hard. I know you are doing your best. I forgive you for forgetting. Thank you for making another appointment. Thank you for wanting to take Hayley to the dentist. I know you really do care. I know you love me. I feel so lucky to have you in my life. I want to have a loving evening with you.

 

爱你的爱莎

Love, Samantha

 

注:我想听到你说愿意下星期带女儿去看牙医。

P.S. I need to hear that you will be responsible to take Hayley next week to the dentist.

 

 

与冷漠有关的情书

A Love Letter About Indifference

 

吉米隔天早上就要出差旅行,当晚,他太太维亚想和他亲热点。她拿了一个芒果到卧室给他吃,他正躺在床上看书,简单地告诉她他不饿。维亚觉得受到拒绝,她走开,虽然内心受到伤害并且生气,但她没有回来抱怨他的无礼与迟钝,她坐下来写情书。

Jim was leaving the next morning for a Business trip. That evening, his wife, Virginia, attempted to create some intimacy. She brought a mango into their bedroom and offered him some. Jim was preoccupied reading a book in bed and briefly commented that he wasn't hungry. Virginia felt rejected and left. Inside she was hurt and angry. Instead of coming back and complaining about his rudeness and insensitivity, she wrote a Love Letter.

 

写完情书后,她觉得比较能接受与给与。她回到卧室说:你明天就要离开了,我们今晚应好好相处。吉米放下书,他们有了一个亲密、愉快的夜晚。写情书帮助维亚产生力量直接得到配偶的注意。她甚至不需拿情书给配偶看。

After writing this letter, Virginia, feeling more accepting and for­ giving, went back into the bedroom and said, "This is our last night before you leave, let's spend some special time together." Jim put down his book and they had a delightful, intimate evening. writing a Love Letter gave Virginia the strength and love to persist more directly in getting her partner's attention. She did not even need to share her Love Letter with her partner.

 

这是她的信:

This is her letter:

 

亲爱的吉米:

Dear Jim,

1.气愤:明天你就要出差,今晚你却一直在看书,使我十分难过。我气你忽视我,气你此时不想与我共度。在你眼中,有些事总比我重要。我要知道你爱我。

I. Anger I am frustrated that you want to read a book and this is our last evening together before you leave. I am angry that you ignore me. I am angry that you do not want to spend this time with me. I am angry that we don't spend more time together. There is always something more important than me. I want to feel you love me.

2.伤心:我伤心你不愿与我在一起,我伤心你对工作过度卖力,我伤心你老是这么忙碌,我伤心你不愿和我说话。你的不关心伤害了我,我似乎可有可无。

2. Sad~. I am sad that you don't want to be with me. I am sad that you work so hard. I feel like you wouldn't even notice if I wasn't here. I am sad that you are always so busy. I am sad that you don't want to talk with me. I feel hurt that you do not care. I don't feel special.

3.害怕:我害怕你不知道我为何难过,害怕你不在乎我,害怕与你分享我的感觉,害怕你会拒绝我,害怕我们愈来愈疏离,而我无力挽回。我害怕自已成为乏味的人,害怕你不喜欢我。

3. Fear.. I am afraid you don't even know why I am upset. I am afraid you don't care. I am afraid of sharing my feelings with you. I am afraid you will reject me. I am afraid we are drifting further apart. I am scared that I can't do anything about it. I am afraid that I am boring to you. I am afraid that you don't like me.

4.后悔:我硬要与你共处使我难为情,我也为自已的难过感到很糗。请原谅我讲话带命令口吻,原谅我没有更有爱心与包容力。很抱歉你不想与我在一起时,我冷漠的态度。很抱歉我没给你另一个机会,很抱歉我停止了对你的爱与信任。

4. Regret I feel so embarrassed wanting to spend time with you when you don't even care. I feel embarrassed getting so upset. I am sorry if this sounds demanding. I am sorry that I am not more loving and accepting. I am sorry that I was cold when you didn't want to spend time with me. I am sorry that I didn't give you another chance. I am. sorry that I stop trusting your love.

5.爱:我爱你,所以才会买芒果讨你高兴。我想多花时间和你在一起,我要有个别致的夜晚。我原谅你对我的冷漠,原谅你没有立即回应我。我了解你正沉醉在阅读中。让我们有个亲密的夜晚好吗?

5. Love.. I do love you. That's why I brought the mango. I wanted to do something to please you. I wanted to spend some special time together. I still want to have a special evening. I forgive you for being so indifferent to me. I forgive you for not responding right away. I understand that you were in the middle of reading something. Let's have a loving intimate evening.

 

爱你的维亚

I love you, Virginia

注:我希望听到你说:我爱你,维亚,我也想与你共度热情之夜,我出差时会想念你。

P.S. The response I would like to hear: I love you, Virginia, and I also want to spend a loving evening with you. I am going to miss you."

 

 

与争论有关的情书

A Love Letter About Arguing

 

迈可和费妮莎对财务支出的决定有不同意见。数分钟后,他们开始争论。当迈可发现他正在咆哮时,他马上停止,深呼吸,然后说:我需要一些时间想想这件事再谈。他到另一个房间写出自己的感觉。

Michael and Vanessa disagreed about a financial decision. Within a few minutes they got into an argument. When Michael noticed that he was starting to yell he stopped yelling, took a deep breath, and then said, "I need some time to think about this and then we will talk." Then he went into another room and wrote out his feelings in a Love Letter.

 

写完信后,他回来继续谈。他的理性使他们能够和谐地解决问题。

After writing the letter he was able to go back and discuss the matter in a more understanding way. As a result they were able lovingly to resolve their problem.

 

这是他的情书:

This is his Love Letter:

 

亲爱的费妮莎:

Dear Vanessa,

1.气愤:我气你这么情绪化,气你误解我,气你在我说话时不能保持冷静,气你这么敏感,这么容易受伤害,气你不信任我、拒绝我。

I. Anger I am angry that you get so emotional. I am angry that you keep misunderstanding me. I am angry that you can't stay calm when we talk. I am angry that you are so sensitive and easily hurt. I am angry that you mistrust and reject me.

2.伤心:我们的争论令我伤心,使我觉得你怀疑我、不信任我、不爱我。

2. Sadness: I am sad that we are arguing. It hurts to feel your doubts and mistrust. It hurts to lose your love. I am sad that we fought. I am sad that we disagree.

3.害怕:我害怕犯错,害怕做了令你难过的事,害怕分享我的感觉,害怕你怪罪我,害怕无能为力,害怕你不感激我,害怕在你难过时和你说话,我不知道该说什么。

3. Fear I am afraid of making a mistake. I am afraid I can't do what I want to do without upsetting you. I am afraid to share my feelings. I am afraid you will make me wrong. I am afraid of looking incompetent. I am afraid you do not appreciate me. I am afraid to talk with you when you are so upset. I don't know what to say.

4.后悔:我抱歉伤害了你,抱歉没有同意你的意见,抱歉自己变得这么冷酷,抱歉反对你的意见,抱歉我急地想做事,抱歉我使你难过,你不该受到这种对待的。

4. Regret.. I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I don't agree with you. I am sorry that I became so cold. I am sorry that I am so resistant to your ideas. I am sorry that I am in such a hurry to do what I want. I am sorry that I make your feelings wrong. You do not deserve to be treated that way. I am sorry that I judged you.

5.爱:我爱你,而且要尽力爱你。我想我现在可以倾听你的感受,我要支持你。我知道我伤害了你的感觉,我很抱歉没有认同你的感觉。我真的非常爱你,我要成为你的英雄,我要你赞美我,我要我有自己的个性,也要支持你有你的个性。我爱你,此时我们谈话,我会更有耐性、更理性。  你应得到这种待遇。

5. Love: I love you and I want to work this out. I think I could listen to your feelings now. I want to support you. I understand I hurt your feelings. I am sorry I was so invalidating of your feelings. I really love you so much. I want to be your hero and I don't want to just agree with everything. I want you to admire me. I need to be me and I support you in being you. I love you. This time when we talk I will be more patient and understanding. You deserve that.

 

爱你的迈可

I love you, Michael

 

注:我希望听到你的回应是:我爱你,迈可。我很感激你的理性与体贴,我相信我们可以解决问题。

PS. The response I would like to hear: ‑I love you, Michael. I really appreciate what a caring and understanding man you are. I trust we can work this out."

 

 

与挫折利失望有关的情书

A Love Letter About Frustration and Disappointment

 

珍留话给她丈夫比尔,请他带些重要的信件回家。但比尔没收到留话,两手空空回家。珍的反应是强烈的挫折和失望。

Jean left a message for her husband, Bill, saying that she wanted him to bring some important mail Home. Somehow, Bill never got the message. When he arrived Home without the mail, jean's reaction was strong frustration and disappoi intment.

 

虽然比尔没有错,但珍不断说那些信件对她的重要及她的失望时,比尔觉得自己受到谴责和攻击。珍不知道比尔将她的挫折和失望归于自己身上,他几乎要爆发出来,他试图让她觉得她的难过是错的。

Although Bill was not at fault, when jean continued making comments about how much she needed that mall and how frustrated she was, he started to feel blamed and attacked. jean did not realize that Bill was taking personally all her feelings of frustration and disappointment. Bill was about to explode and make her wrong for being so upset.

 

为了不把自卫的感觉发泄给她,也为了不想破坏这个晚上,他聪明地决定花十分钟写情书。写完后,他充满爱意地拥抱太太,说:我很抱歉没有帮你拿信。我真希望我有收到你的留话。你还爱我吗?珍以爱和感激回应。这晚他们以热情取代冷战。

Instead of dumping his defensive feelings on her and ruining their evening, he wisely decided to take ten minutes and write a Love Letter. When he finished writing, he came back more loving and gave his wife a hug, saying, "I am sorry you didn't get your mail. I wish I had gotten that message. Do you still love me anyway?" jean responded with a lot of love and appreciation, and they had a wonderful evening instead of a cold war.

 

这是比尔的情书:

This is Bill's Love Letter:

 

亲爱的珍:

Dear Jean,

l.气愤:我不喜欢你难过,不喜欢你为我。我气你这么不快乐,气你见到我这么不高兴。好像我没把事办好。我要你感激我,高兴看到我。

I. Anger.. I hate when you. get so upset. I hate when you blame me. I am angry that you are so unhappy. I am angry that you are not happy to see me. It feels like nothing I do is ever enough. I want you to appreciate me and be happy to see me.

2.伤心:我伤心你的挫折与失望,我伤心你和我在一起时不快乐,伤心你的不快乐阻碍了我们的爱情,伤心你不感激我们共创的美好事物,伤心我没有把你要的信件带回来。

2. Sad~ I am sad that you are so frustrated and disappointed. I am sad that you are not happy with me. I want you to be happy. I am sad that work is always getting in the way of our love life. I am sad that you don't appreciate all the wonderful things we have in our lives. I am sad I didn't come Home with the mall you needed.

 3.害怕:我害怕不能使你快乐,害怕你会整晚都不快乐,害怕亲近你成疏远你,害怕需要你的爱,害怕我不够好,害怕你会因此而反对我。

3. Fear I am afraid I can't make you happy. I am afraid you will be unhappy all evening. I am afraid to be open with you or be close to you. I am afraid of needing your love. I am afraid I am not good enough. I am afraid you will hold this against me.

4.后悔:我很抱歉没有带信回来,抱歉使你不高兴,抱歉没想到打电话给你。我不想使你难过,我要你高兴看到我。我有四天假期,我要这假期充满意义。

4. Regret. I am sorry that I didn't bring Home the mall. I am sorry you are so unhappy. I am sorry that I didn't think to call you. I didn't want to upset you. I wanted you to be happy to see me. We have a four‑day holiday and I want it to be special.

5.爱:我爱你,我要你快乐。我知道你难过,知道你也需要时间面对自已的难过,知道你不想破坏我的感觉,你只需要拥抱和同情。真对不起,有时候我不知道该怎么做,反而让你觉得自己错了。感谢你是我妻子,我爱你如山高海深。你不需完美,也不需快乐。我了解你现在正为信件而难  过。

5. Love.. I love you. I want you to be happy. I understand that you are upset. I understand that you need some time to just be upset. I know that you are not trying to make me feel bad. You just need a hug and some empathy. I am sorry. Sometimes I don't know what to do and I start making you be in the wrong. Thank you for being my wife. I love you so much. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to be happy. I understand that you are upset about the mail.

 

爱你的比尔

I love you, Bill

 

注:我想要听到的回答是:我爱你,比尔。我感激你为我做的许多事,感谢你是我丈夫。

P.S. The response I would like to hear: "I love you, Bill. I appreciate how much you do for me. Thank you for being my husband."

 

 

步骤二:写回应信

STEP 2: writing A RESPONSE LETTER

 

情书技巧的第二步是写回应信。当你表达了积极和消极的感觉后,再多花三到五分钟写回应信,可算是治疗的方法。在这封信里,你可以写下希望从对方那里得到的回应。

writing a Response Letter is the second step in the Love Letter Technique. Once you have expressed both your negative and positive feelings, taking an additional three to five minutes to write a Response Letter can be a healing process. In this letter, you will write the kind of response you would like to have from your partner.

 

方法是,想像你的伴侣非常有爱心地回应你受伤的感觉你在情书中表达的感觉。写一封信给自己,假装那是对方的回应信。信中包含所有你希望从配偶口中听来的关于你所表达的伤害的事,你可从以下的句子开始:

It works like this. Imagine that your partner is able to respond lovingly to your hurt feelings‑the ones you expressed in your Love Letter. Write a short letter to yourself pretending it is your partner writing to you. Include all the things you would like to hear from your partner about the hurts you have expressed. The following lead‑in phrases can get you started:

 

  .谢谢你……

  .我了解……

  .抱歉……

  .我要……

.我爱……

* Thank you for... * I understand ... I am sorry... You deserve... I want ... I love ...

 

有时候,写回应信比写情书更有力。写下我们应获支持的需要。当我们想像对方爱心的回应时,心里就会比较好过一点。

Sometimes writing a Response Letter is even more powerful than writing a Love Letter. writing out what we actually want and need increases our openness to receiving the support we deserve. In addition, when we imagine our partners responding lovingly, we actually make it easier for them to do so.

 

有些人很容易写出他们的消极感觉,但很难发现爱的感觉,这时写回应信探讨他们想听到什么就显得特别重要了。感受你以对方身分支持自己时有何抗拒,这可帮助你了解在事发当时要彼此以爱相待有多困难。了解配偶的需求有时女人反对写回应信,她们期望配偶知道该说什么,她们有个隐藏的声音说:我不要告诉他我的需求,如果他真的爱我,他应该知道。此时,女人应记得男人是从火星来,他真的不知道女人的需求,需要有人告诉他。

Some people are very good at writing out their negative feelings but have a hard time finding the feelings of love. It is especially important for these people to write Response Letters and explore what they would want to hear in return. Be sure to feel your own resistance about letting your partner support you. This gives you an added awareness about how difficult it must be for your partner to deal lovingly with you at such times. Now We (an Learn About Our partners Needs Sometimes women object to writing Response Letters. They expect their partners to know what to say. They have a hidden feeling that says "I don't want to tell him what I need; if he really loves me he will know." In this case a woman needs to remember men are from Mars and don't know what women need; they need to be told.

 

男人的反应通常是他那个星球的反映,而非他对她的爱的反映。如果他是金星人,他会知道该说什么,但他不是,男人真的不知道该如何回应女人的感觉。我们的文化大都没有教男人该如何知道女人的需求。

A man's response is more a reflection of his planet than a mirror of how much he loves her. If he were a Venusian, he would know what to say, but he is not. Men really don't know how to respond to a woman's feelings. For the most part, our culture doesn't teach men what women need.

 

如果男人曾看过父亲对母亲的难过所表现的爱心言语,他就会比较知道该说什么。写回应信是教男人了解女人需求的最好方法。

If a man has seen and heard his father respond with loving words to his mother's upset feelings, then he would have a better idea about what to do. As It Is, he doesn't know because he's never been taught.

 

写回应信是教男人了解女人需求的最好方法。

Response Letters are the best way to teach a man about a woman's needs. Slowly, but surely, he will learn.

 

有时女人问我:如果我去告诉他我想听什么,而他也说了,怎么知道他是不是只说说而已?我怕他不是真心诚意。

Sometimes women ask me "lf I tell him what I want to hear, and he starts saying it, how do I know he is not just saying it? I'm afraid he may not really mean it."

 

这是个重要的问题。如果男人不爱女人,他就不必担心她需要什么,但若他的回应符合她的要求,那么他就是真的试着去回应。

This is an important question. If a man doesn't love a woman he will not even bother to give her what she needs. If he even attempts to give a response similar to her request, then most likely he is really trying to respond.

 

如果他的语气不够诚恳,那是因为他在学习新的东西,学习新的回应方式令人显得笨拙,他这时需要许多感激与鼓励,他需要配偶告诉他,他在正确的轨道上。

If he doesn't sound fully sincere it's because he is learning something new. Learning a new way of responding is awkward. To him it may feel weak. This is a critical time. He needs lots of appreciation and encouragement. He needs feedback telling him he's on the right track.

 

如果他支持她的心意不够诚恳,也不要太耿耿于怀,因为他会害怕他的努力白费。如果女人感激他的心意,下次他会更有安全感、更诚恳。男人并不笨,如果他感受到女人接受他,而他的回应可得到积极结果,他就会回应,只是要花点时间。

If his attempts to support her seem somewhat insincere, it is usually because he is afraid his efforts will not work. If a woman appreciates his attempt, the next time he will feel more secure and thus be

able to be more sincere. A man is not a fool. When he feels that a woman is receptive to him and that he can respond in a way that makes a positive difference, he will do it. It just takes time.

 

女人也可由听取男人的回应信而学习了解男人的需求。女人常被男人的反应搞乱了,她不知道为什么他拒绝她的支持,其实是她误解了他的需求。有时候她会反抗他,因她以为他要她放弃自己,但事实上,他是在要求她相信、感激、接受他。

Women as well can learn a lot about men and what they need by hearing a man's Response Letter. A woman is generally perplexed by a man's reactions to her. She has no idea why he rejects her attempts to support him. She misunderstands what he needs. Sometimes she resists him because she thinks he wants her to give up herself. In most cases, however, he really wants her to trust, appreciate, and accept him.

 

为了获得支持,我们不仅需教导配偶了解我们的需求,也必须乐意接受支持。如果说出:你怎么做也无法让我开心。不但有负作用,也会伤害伴侣。

To receive support we not only have to teach our partners what we need but we also have to be willing to be supported. Response Letters ensure that a person is open to being supported. Otherwise communication cannot work. To share hurt feelings with an attitude that says "Nothing you say can make me feel better" is not only counterproductive but also hurtful to your partner. It is better not to talk at these times.

 

以下是情书与回应信的例子。注意,回应仍是在附注里,但比以上的例子更长、更仔细。

Here is an example of a Love Letter and its Response Letter. Notice that the response Is still under the P.S., but it's a bit longer and more detailed than those above.

 

与他的抗拒有关的情书和回应信

A Love Letter and Response Letter About His Resistance

 

席乐莎请求丈夫保罗支持时,他不但反抗她,还把她的要求视为负担。

When Theresa asks her husband, Paul, for support, he resists her and appears burdened by her requests.

 

亲爱的保罗:

Dear Paul,

1.气愤:我气你反抗我,气你没有帮助我,气我总是必须要求。我为你做太多了,我需要你的帮忙。

I. Anger.. I am angry that you resist me. I am angry that you do not offer to help me. I am angry that I always have to ask. I do so much for you. I need your help.

2.伤心:我伤心你不要帮忙我,我伤心我是这样孤独,我要多和你一起做事,我怀念你的帮忙。

2. Sadness: I am sad that you don't want to help ine. I am sad because I feel so alone. I want to do more things together. I miss your support.

3.害怕:我害怕请求你的帮忙,害怕你生气,害怕你的拒绝会伤害我。

3. Fear I am afraid to ask for your help. I am afraid of your anger. I am afraid you will say no and then I will be hurt.

4.后悔:抱歉我让你这么生气,抱歉我骂你、批评你,抱歉我没有给你更多感激,抱歉我因为做得太多,而要求你要和我做的一样多。

4. Regret: I am sorry that I resent you so much. I am sorry that I nag you and criticize you. I am sorry I don't appreciate you more. I am sorry I give too much and then demand you do the same.

5爱:我爱你,我了解你在尽力而为,我知道你关心我,我要以更有爱心的方式请求你。你是我们孩子慈爱的父亲。

5. Love. I love you. I understand you are doing your best. I know you do care about me. I want to ask you in more loving ways. You are such a loving father to our children.

 

爱你的席乐莎

I love you, Theresa

 

注:我想要听到的回应是:

PS. The response I would like to hear is:

亲爱的席乐莎:

Dear Theresa,

谢谢你如此爱我,谢谢你分享你的感觉,我了解我把你的需求当成要求时,对你是一种伤害,我了解我反抗你时,对你也是伤害,我抱歉不能时常帮助你。你应获得我的支持,而且我要更加支持你,我真的爱你,也高兴有你为妻。

Thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I understand that it hurts you when I act as if your requests are too demanding. I understand that it hurts when I resist you. I am sorry that I don't offer to help you more often. You deserve my support and I want to support you more. I do love you and I feel so happy that you are my wife.

 

爱你的保罗

I love you, Paul

 

 

步骤三:分享你的情书与回应信

STEP 3.. SHARING YOUR LOVE LETTER AND RESPONSE LETTER

 

分享信十分重要,因为:

Sharing your letters is important for the following reasons:

  .可给你伴侣支持你的机会。

  .允许你获得自己需要的支持。

  .以爱与尊重的方式给与伴侣必要的回馈。

  .可促进关系的改善。

  .可教导你的伴侣知道什么对你最重要,也可教导他如何成功的支持你。

  .沟通破裂时,可帮助伴侣再交谈。

.可教导我们如何以安全的方式来听消极的感觉。

• It gives your partner an opportunity to support you.

• It allows you to get the understanding you need.

• It gives your partner necessary feedback in a loving and respectful way.

• It motivates change in a relationship.

• It creates intimacy and passion.

• It teaches your partner what is important to you and how successfully to support you.

• It helps couples to start talking again when communication breaks down.

• It teaches us how to hear negative feelings in a safe way.

 

以下有五个分享信件的大纲,每个例子都假设是女方写信,但这方法用在男方的写信上也有同样效果。

There are five ways to share your letters outlined below. In this case, it is assumed that she wrote the letter, but these methods work just as well if he wrote the letter.

 

一、他读出她的情书和回应信,然后握着她的手,有爱心地讲出她希望听到的话。

I. He reads her Love Letter and Response Letter out loud while she is present. Then he holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to hear.

二、她读出她的情书和回应信,他倾听,然后握着她的手,有爱心地讲她希望听到的话。

2. She reads her Love Letter and Response Letter out loud while he is listening. Then he holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to hear.

三、他先对她读出她的回应信,再读情书,这样他先知道该如何回应后,就不容易接受消极的感觉。先让他知道她对他的要求,这样他在听到消极感觉时才不会惊慌失措。他读完她的情书后,握着她的手,有爱心地讲她希望听到的话。

3. First he reads ber Response Letter out loud to ber.Then lie reads her Love Letter out loud. It is much easier for a man to hear negative feelings when he already knows how to respond to those feelings. By letting a man know what is required of him, he doesn't panic as much when he is hearing negative feelings. After he reads her Love Letter he then holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to hear.

四、她先对他读她的回应信,再读情书。最后,他握着她的手,充满爱心地讲她希望听到的话。

4. Firs.. she reads ber Response Letter to him. Then she reads her Love Letter out loud. Finally he holds her

hands and gives her a loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs.

五、她把信给他,他私下在二十四小时内读信,读完后,他感谢她写信,握着她的手,充满爱心地讲她希望听到的话。伴侣不能以爱回应怎么办

5. She gives ber letters to him and he reads them privately within twenty­four hours. After he has read the letters, he thanks her for writing them and holds her hands and gives her a loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs.

 

 

What to Do lf Your Partner Col Respond Lovingly

 

男女因过去的经验不同,有些人很难倾听情书,这时就不应该期待他们读信。但如果你的伴侣选择听信,有时他们可能不能马上以爱回应。让我们以保罗和席乐莎为例:

Based on their past experiences some men and women have great difficulty hearing Love Letters. In this case they should not be expected to read one. But even when your partner chooses to hear a letter, sometimes they are unable to respond right away in a loving manner. Let's take Paul and Theresa as an example.

 

如果保罗听了伴侣的信后没有更具爱心,那是因为当时他无法以爱回应,但过后,他的感觉一定会有改变。

If Paul is not feeling more loving after he has heard his partner's letters, then it is because he can't respond with love at that time. But after time his feelings will change.

 

读信时,他可能觉得被愤怒与伤害攻击,而产生自卫,此时,他需要暂时停下来反省她所说的话。

When reading the letters, he may feel attacked by the anger and hurt and become defensive. At such times he needs to take a timeout to reflect on what was said.

 

有时人们听情书时,只听到气愤的一面,在没有听到爱的部分时,就把气愤当成情书的所有内容,但稍后重读信的内容,读到后悔与爱的部分时会令他恍然大悟。有时我读太太的情书时,会先读爱的部分再读全文。

Sometimes when a person hears a Love Letter they only hear the anger and it will take a while before they can hear the love. It helps if, after a bit, he rereads the letter, especially the regret and love sections. Sometimes before I read a Love Letter from my wife, I read the love section first and then I read the full letter.

 

如果男人读了情书后感到难过,他也可以写一封情书回应,这情书表达他读她的情书时产生的消极感觉。有时,我要等到太太写情书给我,才知道令我困扰的是什么,然后,突然我会想要写些东西。每次我写完信后,都能再次发现爱情的感觉,促使我再读她的信,听到她躲在伤害之后的爱。

If a man is upset after reading a Love Letter, he could also respond with his own Love Letter, which would allow him to process the negative feelings that came up when he read her Love Letter. Sometimes I don't know what is bothering me until my wife shares a Love Letter with me, and then suddenly I have something to write about. By writing my letter I am able to find again my loving feelings and reread her letter and hear the love behind her hurt.

 

如果男人不能马上以爱回应,他需要知道那没什么关系,不会受到处罚,他的伴侣需要了解和接受他需要一点时间思考的需求。他可能会说这些话来支持伴侣:谢谢你写这封信,我需要一点时间想想后再谈。他要谨记不可批评这封信,分享信必须选在安全的时间。

If a man cannot immediately respond with love, he needs to know that it's OK and not be punished. His partner needs to understand and accept his need to think about things for a while. Perhaps, to support his partner, he can say something like "Thank you for writing this letter. I need some time to think about it and then we can talk about It." It is important that he not express critical feelings about the letter. Sharing letters needs to be a safe time.

 

所有以上分享情书的建议,也适用在女人很难以爱回应男人的信时。我通常建议伴侣互相读出对方所写的信。读出另一半的信非常有益,那会让对方觉得有被倾听。试试这两种方式,看哪一种较适合你。

All of the above suggestions for sharing Love Letters also apply when a woman has difficulty responding to a man's letter in a loving way. I generally recommend that couples read out loud the letters they have written. It is helpful to read your partner's letter out loud because it helps them feel heard. Experiment with both, and see what fits you.

 

 

安全的情书

MAKING IT SAFE FOR LOVE LETTERS

 

分享情书令人胆怯,写出真正的感觉也令人敏感,如果遭到伴侣拒绝,将会造成很大的伤害。分享情书的目的是敞开感觉,让彼此更亲近,如果写情书的过程很安全,情书就能发挥作用。收到情书的人必须特别尊重书写者的表达,如果他们不能给与真正尊重的支持,就不会愿意倾听。

Sharing Love Letters can be scary. The person writing their true feelings will feel vulnerable. If their partner rejects them it can be very painful. The purpose of sharing the letter is to open up feelings so that partners can become closer. It works well as long as the process is done in safety. The person receiving the Love Letter needs to be particularly respectful of the writer's expression. If they cannot give true, respectful support, then they shouldn't agree to listen until they can.

 

分享情书必须有正确的意向,以下两种精神意图不可或缺:

Sharing letters needs to be done with the correct intention. Sharing a letter needs to be done in the spirit of the following two statements of intent:

写与分享情书的意图

Statement of Intent for writing and Sharing a Love Letter

我写这封信是为了发现我的积极感觉和给你应得的爱,在这过程里,我分享了令我沮丧的消极感觉。

I have written this letter in order to find my positive feelings and to give you the love you deserve. As part of that process I am sharing with you my negative feelings, which are holding me back.

你的了解将帮助我敞开心灵赶走消极感觉。我相信你在乎,你会尽力回应我的感觉。我感激你愿意倾听我、支持我。

Your understanding will help me to open up and let go of my negative feelings. I trust that you do care and that you wig respond to my feelings m the best way you can. I appreciate your willingness to listen and support me.

另外,我希望这封信能帮助你了解我的需求和愿望。

In addition I hope that this letter will assist you in understanding my wants, needs, and wishes.

听情书的意图

The partner who is hearing the letter needs to listen in the spirit of the following statement of intent.

 

Statement of Intent for Hearing a Love Letter

 

我保证尽力了解你的感觉,接受我们的差异,感激你尽力传达你的感觉和爱。

I promise to do my best to understand the validity of your feelings, to accept our differences, to respect your needs as I do my own, and to appreciate that you are doing your best to communicate your feelings and love.

我保证会倾听你的感觉,不纠正也不否认。我保证接受你,不试着改变你。

I promise to listen and not correct or deny your feelings. I promise to accept you and not try to change you.

我乐意倾听你的感觉,因为我相信我们可以重修旧好。

I am willing to listen to your feelings because I do care and I trust that we can work this out.

这些精神意图可帮助你记住尊重伴侣的感觉,以爱且安全的方式回应。刚开始练习情书技巧时,若能将这两种意图读出来,写情书会比较安全。

The first few times you practice the Love Letter Technique it will be much safer if you actually read these statements out loud. These statements of intent will help you remember to respect your partner's feelings and respond in a loving, safe way.

 

 

迷你情书

MINI LOVE LETTERS

 

你很难过时,不必花二十分钟写情书,可以试着写迷你情书,只要花三到四分钟就能获益匪浅,这里有一些例子:

If you are upset and you don't have twenty minutes to write a Love Letter, you can try writing a mini Love Letter. It only takes three to five minutes and can really help. Here are some examples:

亲爱的马可:

Dear Max,

  1.你迟到使我十分生气!

  2.我很伤心你忘了我。

  3.我害怕你一点也不在乎我。

  4.我很抱歉我是个不肯原谅人的人。

5.我爱你,我原谅你的迟到。我知道你真的爱我,谢谢你付出的一切努力。

I. I am so angry that you are late!

2. I am sad that you have forgotten me.

3. I am afraid you don't really care about me.

4. I am sorry that I am so unforgiving.

5. I love you and I forgive you for being late. I know you really love me. Thank you for trying.

爱你的仙蒂

Love, Sandie

 

亲爱的亨利:

Dear Henry,

  1.我气你这么疲倦,我气你只看电视。

  2.你不和我讲话令我伤心。

  3.我害怕我们愈来愈疏离,我害怕使你生气。

  4.我抱歉在晚餐时拒绝你,抱歉为我们的问题责备你。

5.我想念你的爱,你今晚会拨出一小时,或另排时间和我讨论我们生活上的问题吗?

I. I am angry that you are so tired. I am angry that you I just watch TV.

2. I am sad that you don't want to talk to me.

3. I am afraid that we are growing apart. I am afraid of making you angry.

4. I am sorry that I rejected you at dinner. I am sorry I blame you for our problems.

5. I miss your love. Would you schedule an hour with me tonight or sometime soon just for me to share with you what's going on in my life?

爱你的蕾丽

Love, Lesley

P.S.我希望听到你说:

P.S. What I would like to hear from you is:

亲爱的蕾丽:

Dear Lesley,

谢谢你把你的感觉写给我。我了解你想念我。让我们排出今晚八点到九点这段时间聚在一起。

Thank you for writing me about your feelings. I understand that you miss me. Let's schedule special time tonight between eight and nine.

爱你的亨利

Love, Henry

 

 

写情书的时机与用意

WHEN TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS

 

你难过时、想让自己舒服一点时,都可以写情书。以下是常见的写情书方式:

The time to write a Love Letter is whenever you are upset and you want to feel better. Here are some common ways Love Letters can be written:

 

  1.写情书给亲密的配偶。

  2.写情书给朋友、孩子或家人。

  3.写情书给商业助理或顾客,信末可以感激你的尊敬你的代替。不过,通常我不建议写这种情书。

  4.写情书给你自己。

  5.写情书给上帝或超自然力量,与上帝分享在你生活中的难过感觉,请求祂的支持。

  6.把写情书的角色调换。如果难以原谅某个人,就假设你是那个人,以他的身分写情书给自己。你会惊讶自己很快就有原谅他的心了。

  7.发泄性情书。如果你真的很难过、感觉很恶劣和主观,可在信里发泄,然后把信烧掉。除非你和配偶可以掌握消极感觉,否则不要期待配偶读这封信。

8.转移情书。如果目前的事件困扰你,使你记起童年的伤痛,就想像你回到那时候,写封信给父亲或母亲,分享你的感觉,请求他们的支持。

I. Love Letter to an intimate partner.

2. Love Letter to a friend, child, or family member.

3. Love Letter to Business associate or client. Instead of saying "I love you" at the end you may choose to use "I appreciate" and "I respect." In most cases I don't recommend sharing it.

4. Love Letter to yourself

5. Love Letter to God or Higher Power. Share your upset feelings about your life with God and ask for support.

6. Role reversal Love Letter. If it is hard to forgive someone, pretend that you are them for a few minutes and write a Love Letter from them to you. You will be amazed at how quickly you become more forgiving.

7. Monster Love Letter. If you are really upset and your feelings are mean and judgmental, vent them in a letter. Then bum the letter. Do not expect your partner to read it unless you both can handle negative feelings and are willing to do so. In that case even monster letters can be very helpful.

8. Displacement Love Utter. When present events upset you and remind you of unresolved feelings from childhood, imagine you can go back in time and write a letter to one of your parents, sharing your feelings and asking for their support.

 

WHY WE NEED TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS

 

正如全书所探讨的,分享感觉与觉得受照顾、了解和尊重对女人十分重要,同样的,感觉受感激、接受和信任对男人也十分重要,假若女人分享难过感觉使得男人觉得没有被爱,就会出现大问题。

As we have explored throughout this book, it is vastly important for women to share their feelings and feel cared for, understood, and respected. It is equally important for men to feel appreciated, accepted, and trusted. The biggest problem in relationships occurs when a woman shares her upset feelings and, as a result, a man feels unloved.

 

对他而言,她的消极感觉可能听起来像在批评、谴责、要求和气愤。他若拒绝她的感觉,她会觉得没有被爱。成功的关系端赖两个事实:男人拥有以爱来倾听与尊重女人感觉的能力,以及女人以爱和尊重来分享感觉。

To him, her negative feelings may sound critical, blaming, demanding, and resentful. When he rejects her feelings, she then feels unloved. The success of a relationship is solely dependent on two factors: a man's ability to listen lovingly and respectfully to a woman's feelings, and a woman's ability to share her feelings in a loving and respectful way.

 

关系的维系需要伴侣双方沟通他们不断改变的感觉和需求。期待完美的沟通是有些过于理想化,幸运的是,在到达完美之前有段很长的成长路程可以共同学习。

A relationship requires that partners communicate their changing feelings and needs. To expect perfect communication is certainly too idealistic. Fortunately, between here and perfection there is a lot of room for growth.

 

Realistic Expectations

 

期望轻而易举的沟通是件不实在的事,而且,有时候要在不伤害听者的情况下沟通是很困难的,关系良好的夫妻有时候也为有效的沟通烦恼。了解他人的观点确实很难,尤其是对方说的又不是你想听的,同时,在你觉得受到伤害时,也很难尊重对方。

To expect communication always to be easy is unrealistic. Some feelings are very difficult to communicate without hurting the listener. Couples who have wonderful and loving relationships will sometimes agonize over how to communicate in a way that works for both people. It is difficult truly to understand another person's point of view, especially when he or she is not saying what you want to hear. It is also hard to be respectful of another when your own feelings have been hurt.

 

许多夫妻误以为他们无法成功的沟通是表示彼此爱得不够。无可否认地,沟通需要爱,但沟通技巧比爱更重要。幸运的是,技巧是可以学习的。

Many couples mistakenly think that their inability to communicate successfully and lovingly means they don't love each other enough. Certainly love has a lot to do with it, but communication skill is a much more important ingredient. Fortunately, it's a learnable skill.

 

 

强化爱的沟通

Now We Learn to Communicate

 

如果我们生长的家庭早已有爱与诚恳沟通的能力,成功的沟通就是我们的第二天性。但上一辈们所谓爱的沟通,通常指避免负向感觉而已。

Successful communication would be second nature if we grew up in families that were already capable of honest and loving communication. But in previous generations, so‑called loving communication

generally meant avoiding negative feelings. It was often as if negative feelings were a shameful sickness and something to be locked away in the closet.

 

在较不文明的家庭里,爱的沟通可能包括行动或将消极感觉合理化,如体罚、咆哮、打巴掌、鞭打及所有口语虐待所有试图让孩子从错误中学到教训的名目。

In less "civilized" families what was considered loving communication might include acting out or rationalizing negative feelings through physical punishment, yelling, spanking, whipping, and all kinds of verbal abuse‑all 'm the name of trying to help the children learn right from wrong.

 

假设我们的父母学会不克制消极感觉的爱的沟通,身为孩子的我们就能透过尝试与失败,安全地发现与探索自己负面的反应和感觉。透过积极的角色典范成功地学习沟通尤其是沟通困难的感觉。我们逐渐学会以尊重及适切的态度表达各种感觉。如果在你的生活中就有这种模范,那就无须学习写情书的技巧了。

Had our parents learned to communicate lovingly, without suppressing negative feelings, we as children would have been safe to discover and explore our own negative reactions and feelings through trial and error. Through positive role models we would have learned successfully how to communicate‑especially our difficult feelings. As a result of eighteen years of trial and error in expressing our feelings, we would have gradually learned to express our feelings respectfully and appropriately. If this had been the case, we would not need the Love Letter Technique.

 

lf Our Post Wore Different

 

如果我们的过去不同,在成长过程中可以看见父亲细心倾听母亲传达她的挫折与失望,每天经验到父亲给与母亲爱的照顾,了解她对丈夫的需求。又看见母亲信任父亲,敞开分享她的感觉,没有否定他、责备他,可让我们经验到难过时不必以不信任、控制感情、阻止、否定、故施恩惠或冷漠来拒人于千里之外。

Had our past been different, we would have watched our father successfully and lovingly listen to our mother expand and express her frustrations and disappointments. Daily we would have experienced our father giving our mother the loving caring and understanding that she needed from her loving husband. We would have watched our mother trusting our father and sharing her feelings openly, without disapproving or blaming hirn. We would have experienced how a person could be upset without pushing someone away with mistrust, emotional manipulation, avoidance, disapproval, condescension, or coldness.

 

在过往的成长岁月里,我们逐渐能够主宰自己的情绪,恰如我们能娴熟走路一般。这是个不会被忘记的技巧,就像走路、跳跃、唱歌、阅读、维持帐目收支的平衡一样。

Throughout our eighteen years of growing up we would gradually be able to master our own emotions just as we have mastered walking or math. It would be a learned skill, like walking, jumping, singing, reading, and balancing a checkbook.

 

然而,大多数人都没这般幸运,反而是花了漫长的时间学到不成功的沟通技巧。因为学校及家庭中缺乏如何沟通感觉的教育,当我们有消极的感觉时,以爱沟通似乎是件不易做到的困难工作。

But it didn't happen that way for most of us. Instead we spent eighteen years learning unsuccessful communication skills. Because we lack education in how to communicate feelings, it is a difficult and seemingly insurmountable task to communicate lovingly when we are having negative feelings.

 

思考过去沟通的经验

 

要了解沟通的困难,可针对以下问题,思考你的回答:

To come to understand how difficult this is, consider your answers to these following questions:

  1.在你成长过程中,当你生气时,如果你的父母与你争论或避免与你争论,你会如何表达爱?

  2.如果你的父母以咆哮和处罚控制你,你会如何避免用咆哮和处罚让你的孩子听话?

  3.如果你长期受到漠视和失望情绪的打击,你会如何要求更多的支持?

  4.如果你害怕被拒绝,你会如何开放分享感觉?

  5.如果你的感觉告诉你我恨你,你会如何对配偶说?

  6.在你小时候,你犯错受处罚,你如何开口说:对不起。

  7.如果你怕处罚与拒绝,你会如何承认你的错误?

  8.孩提时,你不断被拒绝或被认为是个爱哭鬼、爱伤心的小孩,你会如何表达你的感觉?

  9.孩提时,人家一直使你觉得你要求大多是错的,那你如何认为该要求你所需要的?

10.如果你的父母没有时间、耐心或没有意识到该问你的感觉或困扰,那你如何知道你的感觉?

I. When you are feeling angry or resentful, how do you express love if, while you were growing up, your parents either argued or conspired to avoid arguing?

2. How do you get your kids to listen to you without yelling or punishing them if your parents yelled and punished you to maintain control?

3. How do you ask for more support if, even as a child, you felt repeatedly neglected and disappointed?

4. How do you open up and share your feelings if you are afraid of being rejected?

5. How do you talk to your partner if your feelings say "I hate you"?

6. How do you say "I am sorry" if, as a child, you were punished for making mistakes?

7. How can you admit your mistakes if you are afraid of punishment and rejection?

8. How can you show your feelings if, as a child, you were repeatedly rejected or judged for ben upset and crying?

9. How are you supposed to ask for what you want if, as a child, you were repeatedly made to feel wrong for wanting more?

I0. How are you even *Supposed to know what you are feeling if your parents didn't have the time, patience, or awareness to ask you how you were feeling or what was bothering you?

  11.孩提时,你觉得为了博取爱而必须完美,那么你如何接受配偶的缺点?

  12.如果没有人倾听你,你如何能倾听伴侣的痛苦感觉?

  13.如果你没有被原谅,你如何去原谅人?

  14.如果你在小孩时,人家不断告诉你不要哭你要什么时候才会长大?只有婴儿才哭,那么你如何认为自己应该哭及治疗痛苦与悲伤?

  15.孩提时,在你还不了解对母亲的感觉不必负责任前,人家一直让你觉得该对母亲的感觉负责,那么你现在如何能倾听配偶的失望?

  16.加果你在孩提时,父亲或母亲以对你咆哮我命令来发泄他们的挫折,你现在如何能倾听配偶的气愤?

  17.如果你第一个信任的人以某些方式背叛你,你如何开放自己信任配偶?

18.如果你成长的前十八年里没有统习排除被拒绝与被遗弃的威胁,你认为该如何以爱和尊重来舆别人沟通?

II. How can you accept your partner's imperfections if, as a child, you felt you had to be perfect to be worthy of love?

I2. How can you listen to your partner's painful feelings If no one listened to yours?

I3. How can you forgive if you were not forgiven?

I4. How are you supposed to cry and heal your pain and grief if, as a child, you were repeatedly told

"Don't cry" or "When are you going to grow up?" or "Only babies cry"?

I5. How can you bear your partner's disappointment if, as a child, you were made to feel responsi ble for our mother's pain long before you could understand that you were not responsible?

I6. How can you hear your partner's anger if, as a child, your mother or father took their frustrations out on you through yelling and being demanding?

I7. How do you open up and trust your partner if the first people you trusted with your innocence betrayed you in some way?

I8. How are you supposed to communicate your feelings lovingly and respectfully if you haven't had eighteen years of practice without the threat of being rejected and abandoned?

 

以上十八个问题可能令你百感交集,但有一个答案是相同的:爱的沟通是可以学习的,但我们必须身体力行,以弥补过去成长经验中的缺失。这世上没有人是真正完美的,如果你的沟通有问题,那不是诅咒也不是伴侣的错,只是缺乏正确的训练和安全的练习而已。

The answer to all these eighteen questions Is the same it is possible to learn loving communication, but we need to work at it. We have to make up for the eighteen years of neglect. No matter how perfect our parents were, nobody is really perfect. If you have problems communicating, it is neither a curse nor all your partner's fault. It is simply a lack of having the correct training and the safety to practice.

 

读了以上的问题后,你可能有些感觉浮上来,别错失了自我治疗的特殊机会。现在马上花二十分钟给伴侣写封情书,只需拿支笔和几张纸,以情书形式开始表达你的感觉。试试看,你会对这效果感到十分惊讶。

In reading the above questions, you may have had some feelings come up. Don't waste this special opportunity to heal yourself. Take twenty minutes right now and write one of your parents a Love Letter. Simply get a pen and some paper and begin expressing your feelings, using the Love Letter format. Try it now, and you will be amazed at the outcome.

 

 

 

说出完全的事实

TELLING THE COMPLETE TRUTH

情书是因帮助你说出完全的事实而有效。只探讨一部分感觉,无法得到治疗的效果。如:

Love Letters work because they assist you in telling the complete truth. Merely to explore a part of your feelings does not bring about the desired healing. For example..

  1.感受气愤对你一点帮助也没有,只会使你更生气。你愈在乎自己的气愤,就会愈难过。

  2.如果你没有摆脱悲伤,哭泣数个小时只会使你感到更空虚和精疲力尽。

  3.只感受恐惧可能会令你更恐惧。

  4.只感到抱歉而没有超脱,会让你觉得内疚与羞耻,也可能会伤害你的自尊。

5.无时无刻只想要感受爱,会使得你在压抑所有的消极情绪数年后,变得麻木不仁。

I. Feeling your anger may not help you at all. It may just make you more angry. The more you dwell on just your anger, the more upset you will become.

2. Crying for hours may leave you feeling empty and spent, if you never move past the sadness.

3. To feel only your fears may make you even more fearful.

4. To feel sorry, without moving through it, may just make you feel guilty and ashamed and may even be harmful to your self‑esteem.

5. Trying to feel loving all the time will force you to suppress all your negative emotions, and after a few years, you will become numb and unfeeling.

情书之所以有效,在于你写出自己所有感觉的完全事实,才能治疗内在痛苦。我们必须能感受四个情感痛苦的基本面——气愤、伤心、害怕和后悔。

Love Letters work because they guide you In writing out the complete truth about all your feelings. To heal our inner pain, we must feel each of the four primary aspects of emotional pain. They are anger, sadness, fear, and regret.

 

 

为何情书有效

Why Love Letters Work

 

我们的痛苦可由表达情感痛苦的四个层面而得到纾解,只写一种或两种消极感觉无法发挥效果,因为许多消极的情感反应并非我们真正的感觉,而是在不知不觉间用来防止真正感觉的防御策略。如:

BY expressing each of the four levels of emotional pain, our pain is released. Whiting only one or two negative feelings does not work as well. This Is because many of our negative emotional reactions are not real feelings but defense mechanisms we unconsciously use to avoid our true feelings.

For example:

  1.容易生气的人通常是试图隐藏他们的伤害、伤心、害怕或懊悔。当他们感受到自己易受伤害的感觉后,他们的气愤便消除了,会变得更有爱心。

  2.容易哭泣的人通常不容易发脾气,但当他们能够透过协助试着发泄气愤时,他们、心里会舒服一点,并且更有爱心。

  3.人害怕的人通常需要去感觉和表达他们的气愤,才能消除害怕。

  4.老是觉得抱歉与内疚的人,通常在感受他们自己心中有爱之前,需要感觉和表达他们的伤害和气愤。

5.那些感受到爱却不知自己为何老是沮丧或麻木的人,通常必须问自己这个问题:我是不是对某些事情生气和难过?是哪些事呢?然后写出答案。这可帮助他们接触躲在沮丧与麻木之后的感觉。情书也可运用在这种情况中。

I. People who get angry easily generally are trying to hide from their hurt, sadness, fear, or regret. When they feel their more vulnerable feelings, the anger goes away and they become more loving.

2. People who cry easily generally have a hard time getting angry, but when they are helped to express anger they feel much better and more loving.

3. People who are fearful generally need to feel and express their anger; the fear then goes away.

4. People who often feel sorry and guilty generally need to feel and express their hurt and anger before they can feel the self‑love they deserve.

5. People who always feel loving but wonder why they are depressed or numb generally need to ask themselves this question: If I were angry and upset about something, what would it be? " and write out the answers. This will help them get in touch with the feelings hidden behind the Depression and numbness. Love Letters can be used in this fashion.

 

 

感觉如何被隐藏

Now Feelings Con Hide Other Feelings

以下的例子传达男女如何以负面情绪避开或压抑他们真正的痛苦,谨记这个过程是自发的,我们通常不知道这些事正在发生。

Following are some examples of how men and women use their negative emotions to avoid or suppress their true pain. Keep in mind that this process is automatic. We are often not aware that it is happening.

想想这些问题:

Consider for a moment these questions:

  .当你愤怒时,你微笑吗?

  .当你内心深处很害怕时,你却表现出气愤吗?

  .当你真正伤心或受伤害时,你会开玩笑或大笑吗?

.当你感到内疚或害怕时,你会很快责备他人吗?

• Do you ever smile when you are really angry?

• Have you acted angry when deep inside you were afraid?

• Do you laugh and make jokes when you are really sad and hurt?

• Have you been quick to blame others when you felt guilty or afraid?

 

以下的表格表示男女通常如何隐藏他们真正的感觉。当然,不是每个人都符合下列描述,它只是给我们一个方法了解,我们可能对自已真正的感觉相当陌生。

The following chart shows how men and women commonly deny their true feelings. Certainly not all men will fit the male description just as not all women will fit the female description. The chart gives us a way to understand how we may remain strangers to our real feelings.

 

真正感觉被隐藏的方法

WAYS WE COVER UP OUR REAL FEELINGS

 

  男人如何隐藏他们的痛苦                      女人如何隐藏她们的痛苦

(这过程通常是无意识的)                       (这过程通常是无意识的)

How men hide their pain                                     How women hide their pain

(This process is unconscious)                       This process is ~ unconscious)

 

  1.男人可能把生气当作防止伤心、  1.女人可能把关心担心当成

  伤害、后悔、内疚、害怕等痛苦感觉  防止气愤、内疚、害怕和失望等痛苦

的方法。                                                  感觉的方法。

       I. Men may use anger as a way of        I. Women may use concern and

       avoiding the painful feelings of sad‑             worry as a way of avoiding the

       ness, hurt, sorrow, guilt, and fear.              painful feelings of anger, guilt,

              fear, and disappointment.

 

 

2.男人可能以冷漠沮丧为防       2.女人可能以陷入迷惑为防止气

止气愤的方法。                                           愤、烦躁和沮丧的方法。

       2. Men may use indifference and dis‑          2. Women may fall into confusion

       couragement as a way of avoiding        as a way of avoiding anger, irrita­

       the painful feelings of anger.                     tion, and frustration.

 

3.男人可能以激怒为防止受伤害       3.女人可能以感觉不好为防止害

的方法。                                                    羞、气愤、伤心和后悔的方法。

       3. Men may use feeling offended          3. Women may use feeling bad as

       as a way of avoiding feeling hurt.         a way of avoiding embarrassment,

              anger, sadness, and regret.

 

4.男人可能以气愤正义做为         4.女人可能以害怕不确定

防止害怕或不确定的方法。                      为防止气愤、伤害和伤心的方法。

       4. Men may use anger and                     4. Women may use fear and uncer­

       righteousness as a way to avoid           tainty as a way of avoiding anger,

       feeling afraid or uncertain.                        hurt, and sadness.

 

 

5.男人可能以感到受羞辱防止气愤      5.女人可能会用伤心来防止气愤和

和伤心的感觉。                                           害怕的感觉。

       5. Men may feel ashamed to avoid        5. Women may use grieving to

       anger and grieving.                                avoid feeling angry and afraid.

       New men hide ‑Ih* p*‑ (This Pro        How women hide their 2* (This

       cess is generally unconscious)             process is generally unconscious)

 

6.男人可能以平和平静做为            6.女人可能以期待作为防止气愤、

防止气愤、害怕、失望、沮丧和羞耻      伤心、内疚和后悔的方法。

的方法。

       6. Men may use peace and calm as              6. Women may use hope as a way

       a way to avoid anger, fear, disap‑         to avoid anger, sadness, grief, and

       pointment, discouragement, and           sorrow.

       shame.

 

7.男人可能以自信来防止自己不够         7.女人可能以快乐感谢来防

完美的感觉。                                                  止伤心和失望的感觉。

       7.Men may use confidence to                            7. Women may use Happiness and

       avoid feeling inadequate.                       gratitude to avoid feeling sadness

       and disappointment.

 

8.男人可能以侵略来防止害怕感             8.女人可能以原谅作为防

觉。                                                                  止伤害和气愤感觉的方法。

       8. Men may use aggression to                              8. Women may use love and for­

       avoid feeling afraid.                                             giveness as a way to avoid feeling

       hurt and angry.

 

 

治疗负面感觉

HEALING NEGATIVE FEELINGS

 

如果你的负面感觉没有被倾听、支持,你就很难了解并接受另一个人负面的感觉。愈能治疗童年留下来未解决的感觉,就愈能在没有伤害、心急、沮丧或悲伤的心情下,分享感觉及倾听配偶的感觉。

Understanding and accepting another's negative feeling are difficul if Your own negative feelings have not been heard and supported. The more we are able to heal our own unresolved feelings from childhood the easier it is responsibly to share our feelings and to listen to our partner's feelings without being hurt, impatient, frustrated, or offended.

 

你愈反抗感受自己的内在痛苦,就愈会反抗倾听他人的感觉。如果别人传达他们童真的感觉时,你会觉得不耐烦、不想听,那也就是你对待自己的方式。

The more resistance you have to feeling your inner pain, the more resistance you will have to listening to the feelings of others. If you feel impatient and intolerant when others express their childlike feelings, then this is an indicator of how you treat yourself.

 

为了重新教导自己,我们必须在心里重塑父母形象。去意识到内心有对有感情的父母,当我们理智的成人说没有理由难过时,心中的父母会难过。我们可以学习将内在的感情部分,独立成为有爱心的父母。自问:怎么了?你受伤了吗?你觉得怎样?你为什么难过?你生气什么?你伤心什么?你害怕什么?你想要什么?

To retrain ourselves we must reparent ourselves. We must acknowledge that there is an emotional person inside us who gets upset even when our rational adult mind says there is no reason to be upset. We must isolate that emotional part of our self and become a loving parent to It. We need to ask ourselves "What's the matter? Are you hurt? What are you feeling? What happened to upset you? What are you angry about? What makes you sad? What are you afraid of? What do you want?"

 

当我们同情地倾听自己时,负面的感觉就会奇迹似的很快得到痊愈,我们也能以更有爱心与尊重的方式来反应某些状况。了解自己孩子般的感觉,使我们自动打开爱的门允许自己畅所欲言。

When we listen to our feelings with compassion, our negative feelings quite miraculously are healed, and we are able to respond to situations in a much more loving and respectful way. By understanding our childlike feelings we automatically open a door for loving feelings to permeate what we say.

 

如果小时候的内在情感有常被倾听与认同,长大后就不会陷入负面情绪中。但多数人小时候都没有得到这样的支持,所以必须学习自我支持。

If as children our inner emotions had been repeatedly heard and validated in a loving way, then as adults we wouldn't get stuck in negative emotions. But most of us weren't supported this way as children, so we have to do it for ourselves.

 

 

过去如何影响现在

Now Your Post Affects You Today

你当然有觉得被负面情绪支配的经验。以下是常见的童年未解决的感情对我们今日的影响:

Certainly you've had the experience of feeling gripped by negative emotions.These are some common ways our unresolved emotions from childhood may affect us today as we encounter the stresses of being adults:

1.有些事使我们挫折时,就算内在的成人部分说我们应该冷静、有爱心和温和,但我们仍然深陷在愤怒与烦恼中。

I. When something has been frustrating, we remain stuck feeling angry and annoyed, even when our adult self says we should feel calm, loving, and peaceful.

2.当某些事令人失望时,就算内在的成人说我们应该觉得热忱、快乐、有希望,但我们仍旧深陷于伤心与伤害中。

2. When something has been disappointing, we remain stuck feeling sad and hurt, even when our adult self says we should feel enthusiastic, happy, and hopeful.

3.当某些事令人难过时,就算内在的成人说我们应该放心、有信心、愉快,但我们仍深觉害怕与担心。

3. When something has been upsetting, we remain stuck feeling afraid and worried, even when our adult self says we should feel assured, confident, and grateful.

4.当某些事很令人难为情时,就算内在的成人说我们应该觉得安全、美好,但我们仍深觉抱歉与羞愧。

4. When something has been embarrassing, we remain stuck feeling sorry and ashamed, even when out adult self says we should feel secure, good, and wonderful.

 

 

以耽溺压抑感觉

Silencing Your Feelings Through Addictions

 

长大后我们通常以逃避来控制负面情绪,以耽溺来压抑痛苦的哭泣和未被满足的需求。一杯酒下肚,痛苦获得短暂的终解,但它会不断地回来。

As adults we generally try to control these negative emotions by avoiding them. Our addictions can be used to silence the painful cries of our feelings and unfulfilled needs. After a glass of wine, the pain is gone for a moment. But it will come back again and again.

 

讽刺的是,避免负面情绪的行动,反而会使负面情绪控制我们的生活。只有经由学习倾听和教育内在感情,才能逐渐消除控制。

Ironically, the very act of avoiding our negative emotions gives them the power to control our lives. By learning to listen to and nurture our inner emotions, they gradually lose their grip.

 

讽刺的是,避免负面情绪的行动,反而使负面情绪控制我们的生活。

 

你很难过时,沟通当然无法得到你想要的效果。此时你过去未解决的感觉会都跑回来,就好像从不被允许发脾气的孩子现在发脾气了,只好被关到衣柜里。

When you are very upset, it certainly is not possible to communicate as effectively as you want to. At such times the unresolved feelings of your past have come back. It Is as though the child that was never allowed to throw a tantrum now throws one, only to be ‑exiled once again into the closet.

 

未被处理的童年感情会控制我们的成人意识,阻碍爱的沟通,直到我们能以爱倾听过去的不合理感情为止。

Our unresolved childhood emotions have the power to control us by gripping our adult awareness and preventing loving commun cation. Until we are able lovingly to listen to these seemingly irrational feelings from our past (which seem to intrude into our life when we most need our sanity), they will obstruct loving communication.

 

沟通我们困难感觉的秘密在于,用智慧与热忱写出我们的负面感觉,以使我们意识到更多的积极感觉。我们愈能以配偶渴望的爱来沟通,就愈能维持良好的婚姻关系。当你能以爱的方式表达难过时,你的配偶也能以支持来回馈。

The secret of communicating our difficult feelings lies in having the wisdom and the commitment to express our negative feelings in writing so that we can become aware of our more positive feelings. The more we are able to communicate to our partners with the love they deserve, the better our relationships will be. When you are able to share your upset feelings in a loving way, it becomes much easier for your partner to support you in return.

 

 

自助的秘诀

SECRETS OF SELF‑HELP

 

写情书是非常好的自助工具,但你如不马上养成习惯,很快就会忘记。建议你,有事使你困扰时,每周至少一次坐下来写封情书。

Writing Love Letters is an excellent self‑help tool, but if you don't immediately get in the habit of writing them you may forget to use it. I suggest that at least once a week when something is bothering you, sit down and write a Love Letter.

 

写情书不仅有助于消除婚姻关系中因配偶而产生的问题,也有助于消除个人的难过。无论何时,只要你想让情绪好转就写情书,也许不能每次都使你情绪好转,但可帮助你掌握方向。

Love Letters are helpful not only when you feel upset with your partner in a relationship but also whenever you are upset. writing Love Letters help when you are feeling resentful, unhappy, anxious, depressed, annoyed, tired, stuck, or simply stressed. Whenever you want to feel better, write a Love Letter. It may not always completely improve your mood, but it will help move you in the direction you want to go.

 

多方面阅读与改善情绪有关的书,也可帮助你了解和治疗自己的内在感觉。谨记:除非你把情绪讲出来,否则不能收到治疗效果。书可鼓舞你更爱自己,但要实践爱自己则需要靠倾听、书写,或多方面表达你的感觉。

In my first book, What You Feel You Can Heal, the importance of exploring feelings and writing Love Letters is more fully discussed. In addition, in my tape series, Healing the Heart, I share healing visualizations and exercises based on the Love Letter Technique for overcoming anxiety, releasing resentment, and finding forgiveness, loving your inner child, and healing past emotional wounds.

 

In addition, many more books and workbooks have been written on this subject by other authors. Reading these books is important to help you get in touch with your inner feelings and heal them. But remember, unless you are letting that emotional part of you speak out and be heard, it cannot be healed. Books can inspire you to love yourself more, but by listening to, writing out, or verbally expressing your feelings you are actually doing it.

 

书可鼓舞你更爱自己,但要实践爱自己则需靠倾听、书写,或多方面表达你的感觉。

 

当你练习情书技巧时,就已开始经历你内心里最渴望爱的部分。倾听与探讨你的情绪,可帮助你这个部分的成长与发展。

As you practice the Love Letter Technique you will begin to experience the part of you that needs love the most. By listening to your feelings and exploring your emotions, you will be helping this part of you to grow and develop.

 

当你的情感得到爱与了解时,出自然就可以沟通得较好,并且有能力以爱的方式反应各种情况。虽然我们过去被教导得善于隐藏感情和自卫,但重新训练自己是有很大的可能性。

As your emotional self gets the love and understanding it needs, You will automatically begin to communicate better. You will become capable of responding to situations in a more loving manner. Even though we have all been programmed to hide our feelings and react defensively and not lovingly, we can retrain ourselves. There is great hope.

 

为了重新整合,你必须倾听和了解从来没有被治疗过的未解决感觉,你必须被倾听与了解才能得到痊愈。

To retrain yourself you need to listen to and understand the unresolved feelings that have never had a chance to be healed. This part of you needs to be felt, heard, and understood and then it is healed.

 

练习情书技巧是表达未解决感觉、负面情绪与需求,而不会遭拒绝的安全方法。倾听我们的感觉就好像小孩子倒在父母爱心的怀里哭泣,而这是对待感情的聪明方法。经由以尊重与爱来善待我们天真的部分,过去未解决的感情创伤就可以获得妥贴的治疗。

       Practicing the Love Letter Technique is a safe way to express unresolved feelings, negative emotions, and wants without being judged or rejected. By listening to our feelings we are in effect wisely treating our emotional side like a little child crying in a loving par­ent 9 s arms. By exploring the complete truth of our feelings we are giving ourselves full permission to have these feelings. Through treating this childlike part of us with respect and love, the unre­ solved emotional wounds of our past can be gradually healed.

 

许多人非常早熟,因为他们拒绝和压抑了自己的感觉,他们未解决的感情伤痛正等着被爱与治疗。他们企图压抑这些感情,但痛苦与不快乐正持续地影响着他们。现在,有许多生理疾病被视为与未解决的感情伤痛有关。压抑感情伤痛通常会变成生理创伤或疾病,导致早亡。另外,大部分具破坏性的强迫固执和耽溺,都是内在感情伤痛的表现。

Many people grow up too quickly because they reject and suppress their feelings. Their unresolved emotional pain is waiting inside to come out to be loved and healed. Although they may attempt to suppress these feelings, the pain and unHappiness continue to affect them. Most physical diseases are now widely accepted as being directly related to our unresolved emotional pain. Suppressed emotional pain generally becomes physical pain or sickness and can cause premature death. In addition, most of our destructive compulsions, obsessions and addictions are expressions of our inner emotional wounds.

 

男人强迫自己成功,是企图赢取爱,以减少内在感情的伤痛与骚动;女人强迫自已完美,是企图让自己值得被爱,以减少感情伤痛。凡事做过头,都会使过去未解决的痛苦变得麻木。

A man's common obsession with success is his desperate attempt to win love in hopes of reducing his inner emotional pain and turmoil. A woman's common obsession with being perfect is her desperate attempt to be worthy of love and reduce her emotional pain. Anything done to excess can become a means to numb the pain of our unresolved past.

 

我们的社会充塞了各种娱乐帮助我们避开伤痛,但情书可帮助我们正视伤痛、感受伤痛、治疗伤痛。每次写情书,即是你给与内在感情和伤痛爱与了解、注意的时候。

Our society is filled with distractions to assist us in avoiding our pain. Love Letters, however, assist you in looking at your pain, feeling it and then healing it. Every time you write a Love Letter you are giving your inner emotional and wounded self the love, understanding, and attention it needs to feel better.

 

 

隐私的力量

The Power of Privacy

 

有时,私下写出你的感觉,可以使你发现和别人谈话时无法感受到的深层感觉。完全的隐私增加深层感受的安全性。虽然你在婚姻关系中觉得有些事可以谈,但还是建议你有时私下写自己的感觉。为自己写情书是健康的,因为可提供你独处的时间,给与自己所需而不倚赖任何人。

Sometimes, by privately writing out your feelings, you will discoverdeeper levels of feelings that you could not feel with another person. Complete privacy creates the safety to feel more deeply. Even if you are in a relationship and you feel you can talk about anything, I still recommend p wri ng down your feelings sometimes. writing Love Letters in private is also healthy because it provides a time for you to give to yourself without depending on anyone else.

 

建议你写情书日记,或将情书集成档案。先前提供的简单情书形式可帮助你很快的写好情书。如果你有一部个人电脑,建议你用电脑写情书,不管何时,只要你想写就打开电脑。把写好的情书储存起来,若想与人分享就把它印出来。

I recommend keeping a journal of your Love Letters or keeping them together in a file. To make writing Love Letters easier, you may wish to refer to the sample Love Letter format given earlier in this chapter. This Love Letter format can assist you in remembering the different stages of a Love Letter and offer some lead‑in phrases when you may be stuck.

 

If you have a personal computer then type in the Love Letter format and use it over and over again. Simply open to that file whenever you want to write a Love Letter, and when you are finished save it by the date. Print it out if you wish to share it with someone.

 

也建议你把别的情书集成档案。不难过时,偶尔读读这些信,因为这时你才能以客观的态度回顾这些信,这客观态度可帮助你往后以尊重的方式表达难过,而且,在你写了情书仍难过时,读这些信也许令你好过一点。

In addition to writing letters, I suggest that you keep a private file for your letters. Occasionally reread these letters when you are not upset because that is when you can review your feelings with a greater objectivity. This objectivity will help you to express upset feelings at a later time in a more respectful way. Also if you write a Love Letter and you are still upset, by rereading the letter you may begin to feel better.

 

To assist people in writing Love Letters and exploring and expressing feelings In a private way, I developed a computer program called Private Session. In a personal way, the computer uses pictures, graphics, questions, and various Love Letter formats to assist you in getting in touch with your feelings. It even suggests lead‑in phrases to help you draw up and express particular emotions. In addition it privately stores your letters and brings them up at times when reading them might help you more fully to express your feelings.

Using your computer to assist you in expressing your feelings can help overcome the usual resistance that people have to writing Love Letters. Men, who are usually more resistant to this process, are more motivated to do it if they can sit privately in front of their computer.

 

 

亲密的力量

The Power of Intimacy

 

私下写情书对个人的治疗很有帮助,但别人无法听到及了解我们的需要。写情书是爱自己的表现,但你分享情书时,你是在接收爱。要增加爱自己的能力,必须对等地收到爱,所以分享事实是打开爱的亲密之门。

Privately writing Love Letters is very healing in itself, but it does not replace our need to be heard and understood by others. When you write a Love Letter you are loving yourself, but when you share a letter you are receiving love. To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well. Sharing the truth opens the door of intimacy through which love can enter.

 

要增加爱自己的能力,必须对等地收到爱。

 

在我们的生活里,必须有人让我们乐于分享感觉,我们才能有更多爱的感觉。能够找到可以让你分享每一个感觉,并相信他们仍会爱你,不会以批评、拒绝伤害你的人,是非常有力量的。

To receive more love we need to have people in our life with whom we can openly and safely share our feelings It is very powerful to have some select people in your life with whom you can share

your every feeling and trust that they will still love you and not hurt you with criticism, judgment, or rejection.

 

你能分享真实的自己以及你的感觉时,就能完整地接收到爱。拥有爱后,你便更容易释放负面的情绪症状,如愤怒、生气、害怕等等。这不是说你需要分享你的每一个感觉,但若有任何感觉是你害怕分享的,那么,你要治疗的是这份恐惧。

When you can share who you are and how you feel, then you can fully receive love. If you have this love, it is easier to release negative emotional symptoms like resentment, anger, fear, and so forth. This does not mean that you need to share everything you feel and discover in private. But if there are feelings that you are afraid to share, then gradually these fears need to be healed.

 

如果你能分享自己内在最深的感觉,治疗师或亲近的朋友会是爱与治疗的最大来源。如果你没有找治疗师,那么,偶尔让朋友读你的信也是非常有益的。私下写信会让你感觉好过一点,但偶尔与关心你、了解你的人分享自己的情书,对你会更有帮助。

A loving therapist or close friend can be a tremendous source of love and healing if you can share your inner and deepest feelings. If you don't have a therapist, then having a friend read your letters from time to time is very helpful. writing in private will make you feel better; but occasionally sharing your Love Letters with another person who cares and can be understanding is essential.

 

 

团体的力量

The Power of the Group

 

团体支持的力量是必须经验而无法形容的。一个有爱心的支持团体可帮助我们更容易触及内心深处的感觉。与团体分享感觉,表示有更多的人可以给你爱。成长的潜力由团体的大小来决定,就算你没有在团体中发言,但听到别人在团体中开诚布公地谈论他们的感觉,你的觉察力与观察力也会提高。

The power of group support is something that cannot be described but has to be experienced. A loving and supportive group can do wonders to help us more easily get in touch with our deeper feelings. To share your feelings with a group means there are more people available to give you love. The potential for growth is magnified by the size of the group. Even if you do not speak out in a group, by listening to others speak openly and honestly about their feelings, your awareness and insight expand.

 

每当我到各地带领研讨会时,我都不断的感受到内心深处最需要被听、被了解的部分。当某些人站起来分享他们的感觉时,我马上记起我自己的某些事或感受到某些事,使我对自己和他人都有了非常有价值的新观察。每次研讨会一结束,我都能感到更轻松、更有爱心。

When I lead group seminars around the country I repeatedly experience deeper parts of myself that need to be heard and understood. When someone stands up and shares their feelings, suddenly I begin to remember something or feel something myself. I gain valuable new insights about myself and others. At the end of each seminar I generally feel much lighter and more loving.

 

如果小时候在家里或在团体中不太敢表达自己。那么,现在寻求团体的支持更形重要。每个人都可以因为身处在有爱心的支持团体中讲话或倾听而获得治疗。

Everywhere small support groups on almost every topic meet each week to give and receive this support. Group support is especially helpful if as children we did not feel safe to express ourselves in groups or in our family. While any positive group activity is empowering, speaking or listening in a loving and supportive group can be personally healing.

 

我通常会和一个小型的男人支持团体聚会,我太太也会和她的女人支持团体聚会,这种外在的支持增进了我们的婚姻关系。另外,听取他人成功与失败的经验,也使我们自己的问题变小了。

I meet regularly with a small men's support group, and my wife, Bonnie , meets regularly with her women's support group. Getting this outside support greatly enhances our relationship. It frees us from looking to each other as the sole source of support. In addition, by listening to others share their successes and failures our own problems tend to shrink.

 

 

  花时间倾听

Taking rime to Listen

 

不管你是把你的想法和感觉私下写在电脑上或日记里,或透过在治疗、婚姻、支持团体中得到治疗,你都是迈开了重要的一步。当你花时间倾听自己的感觉,你就是在向你的内在孩童的感觉说:你很重要。你应该被倾听,我是十分关心地聆听着。

Whether you are privately writing down your thoughts and feelings on your computer or sharing them in therapy, in your relationships, or in a support group, you are taking an important step for yourself.

当你花时间倾听你的感觉,你就是在向你内在孩童的感觉说:

When you take the time to listen to your feelings you are in effect saying to the little feeling person inside "You matter. You deserve to be heard and I care enough to listen."

 

  你很重要,你应该被倾听,我很关心地聆听着。

 

我希望你利用情书技巧,因为我目睹了上千人,包括我自己在内,因写情书而改变了生活。情书写愈多就愈容易写,而且愈有效。写情书需要练习,但都值得你去做。

I hope you will use this Love Letter Technique because I have witnessed it transform the lives of thousands of people, including my own. As you write more Love Letters it becomes easier and works better. It takes practice, but it is worth it.

 

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